Summerslam for Comic Fans

August 15th, 2010 by | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tonight we have what I guess would be considered the WWE’s third most important show of the year, Summerslam. I mean, on paper, it’s supposed to be the secondary Wrestlemania, but everyone and their imaginary friend loves Royal Rumble more. I look forward to the show despite the roadblocks it sets up. There are only six matches signed. One of these matches is a throwaway Divas match I couldn’t care less about. One of the championship matches is Rey Mysterio vs. Kane and while I love Kane and don’t mind Mysterio, I don’t need to be reminded of their abysmal, “Is he alive or is he dead?” feud.

So why am I so jazzed about the show? Team WWE vs. the Nexus in an elimination tag match. The Nexus has been one of the better wrestling storylines in past years, despite its own set of roadblocks (Daniel Bryan/Bryan Danielson being fired, Wade Barrett’s visa problems, Ricky Steamboat’s injury). I can only hope the storyline doesn’t get killed as of the end of Summerslam, yet at the same time, I don’t want them to last long enough to get destroyed by a returning Triple H. God, I really don’t want to see Triple H involved with this in any way.

For those new to the big main event, here it is laid out DC Comics style.

(click for bigger version)

Let’s see who we got on here…

John Cena/Superman: John Cena is considered by many to be the WWE’s Superman because of his unbreakable resolve, constant optimism and inability to ever sell. I remember when Superman died, after he came back, he was thinking about how after everything he’s been through, he feels more energetic than ever. That happened over the course of months in his case. For Cena, he heals up even faster. At the PPV, a meteor made of uranium with an outer shell of rat poison could break through the roof and crush Cena and he’d STILL show up the next night on Raw and start yelling gibberish. With Cena as Superman, this ultimately means Randy Orton is Batman, Sheamus is Doomsday and Evan Bourne is Jimmy Olsen.

Chris Jericho/Lex Luthor: The ever-scheming Jericho is a hypocrite mastermind who believes himself to be high above the masses and feels that John Cena himself is a poison. He’ll team up with Cena for now, but he has his own plans once the smoke has cleared.

Edge/The Joker: The toothy trickster will use any opportunity to push his image and screw over his enemies. He and Jericho tend to go back and forth between being allies and wanting to tear each other’s heads off. Much like Luthor and Joker in Infinite Crisis, Edge and Jericho want a piece of the big bad guy conglomerate for not letting them play.

Bret Hart/Alfred Pennyworth: Thematically, Bret should really be Earth 2 Superman. One would even say that for wearing the ugliest sequined Batman shirt on Raw the other night, Bret would be Batman. Nay, I say. Bret is Alfred. See, Bret is the only thing I really don’t look forward to with this match. The guy had a stroke years ago and a bump to the head could turn him into a vegetable or even kill him at this point. They never mention that on TV because they still like to play up the facade that Bret is able to compete. This has led to some awful, AWFUL matches based on his inability to do anything that might get him hurt. In other words, just like Alfred, Bret Hart is an old man who has no right being there.

John Morrison/Booster Gold: Both are styling motherfuckers who are way more interesting as assholes. Booster is able to move back and forth through time while Morrison can slow down time, as he does every time he walks to the ring. Actually, now that I think about it, Morrison’s time traveled too.

Booster became a breakout star the moment Blue Beetle died while Morrison’s breaking out came out of that whole Chris Benoit situation. Messed up, but that’s how it is.

R-Truth/Static: Yeah, they have the whole basic “black guys from the street” gimmick going, but there’s some more to it. They both did stuff in the 90’s, vanished for a while, made a comeback and I still can’t find myself caring about either. Static is musically challenged and R-Truth only knows how to do one song. Well, two songs. He used to sing “Get Rowdy!” ten years ago.

The Great Khali/Apache Chief: Neither guy really has anything going for them other than being really, really tall. The fact that Khali was initially chosen to be on Cena’s Anti-Nexus team is best compared to what it would be like if Superman hand-picked Apache Chief to be in the front lines against Darkseid during some huge crisis. At the end of the day, no matter how serious you try to play him, he’ll always be the joke character that nobody can take seriously.

The Miz/Maxwell Lord: The former friend of Morrison/Booster and currently comparable to Jericho/Luthor in terms of being a magnificent, scheming bastard. Max Lord wants to save the world, though his ways will certainly lead to more troubles. The Miz claims he wants to help fight off the Nexus and MAY join the team, but he definitely has something more sinister up his sleeve.

Wade Barrett/Deathstroke: I guess Alexander Luthor works too, but whatever. Wade’s way slicker than that whiny douche. Our man in question comes off as a loner at first, but as history has shown, he’s more than capable of leading his own team of bad guys. Considered to be the top guys among their peers, Wade and Slade are both skilled and geniuses when it comes to employing strategy.

Skip Sheffield/Solomon Grundy: Like Grundy, Skip can be a loveable lug in one incarnation and a vicious monster in another. The bloodthirsty southerner is considered the muscle of the group, showing to be able to handle himself against Cena/Superman himself.

Michael Tarver/Killer Croc: Speaking of vicious, Tarver is what nightmares are made of. Though not always the brightest bulb, he definitely comes off as the most dangerous at times and straight up looks like he’ll tear you to ribbons.

Justin Gabriel/Jason Todd: Justin Gabriel is the high-flyer of the group and DC doesn’t have too many acrobatic male villains out there. Since Gabriel went from boyish good guy to corrupt turncoat, I suppose the former Robin fits the bill.

Darren Young/Bizarro: From the moment Darren Young was announced to be on NXT, many people looked at his picture and asked, “Is that John Cena in blackface?” Some were afraid of the eventual Cena/Young confrontation, feeling that if John Cena and his negative counterpart were to touch, reality might come to an end. Young later even admitted on TV that he’s well aware of the physical comparisons, which probably means he’s really sick of it by now. If you ask me, the guy needs to start playing up his Bizarro-ness. “GOODBYE! YOU CAN SEE ME! MY TIME IS DOWN, YOUR TIME IS THEN!”

Heath Slater/Arsenal: Red-haired bad guy who kinda sucks.

David Otunga/Black Manta: Black bad guy who really sucks.

Daniel Bryan/Catman: For a long while, the company played them off as pathetic losers who couldn’t catch a break. Then they both rose up and became amazing badasses and we loved them for it. Sadly, Daniel Bryan then got fired for one of the stupidest reasons in WWE history. They explained it away on TV by saying that he had a conscience and was cast away by the Nexus. With Catman, he too gained a conscience of sorts and refused to join up with the Secret Society. While it’s still over a month before there’s any real chance of seeing Bryan brought back to the WWE, he plays the wildcard upon his hopeful return. Now that I think about it, the Secret Six could be a team of indy wrestlers the WWE has screwed over and let go. You have Bryan as Catman, Claudio Castagnoli as Deadshot, Takeshi Morishima as Bane and Colt Cabana as Ragdoll.

Like with the Wrestlemania and Royal Rumble Countdowns I’ve done, I plan to do a Summerslam Countdown to coincide with next year’s show. In the meantime, I’m working on the Survivor Series Countdown to throw at you this coming November.

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15 comments to “Summerslam for Comic Fans”

  1. Awesome.

    But no way Otunga gets somebody as cool as Manta. Who does DC have that’s forgettable, not very good at anything, but for whatever reason somebody loves him so he keeps showing up? That’s right: Otunga is Donna Troy.

  2. What? No! Otunga is still way more interesting than Donna Troy.

    Based on your description, Donna Troy is more… Melina.

  3. Ugh! I hate comic books! They are for children, unlike wrestling

  4. Man, no way Miz would ever let the world forget he exists.

  5. Point, but he WOULD make the world forget his role in the Diva Search.

    “Come on, don’t you remember? Miz was screwing up his lines and shouting ‘HOO RAH!’ over and over again and had notes written on his hand!”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  6. Alfred belongs in the match more than Bret does. Remember his unexpected martial arts skills in Heart of Hush?

  7. I miss the days of Guy Gardner: Ultimate Warrior.

  8. Good news: DANIEL BRYAN!

    Bad news: Super Cena triumphs against all odds again. Yawn.

  9. Cena has become a complete self-parody. He wins the match despite performing only one move against a guy who hadn’t received a bit of damage prior.

  10. Yeah, Supercena. JBL rammed a car into him in 2008, but he made it to the PPV just fine. (Thank goodness he lost a lot in 2008 though.)

  11. […] Entries6 lol 4thletter! � Blog Archive � Summerslam for Comic Fans "But that's SRK for you. SFIV could have a feature where Chun-Li steps out of the TV and […]

  12. Also, the end to the SD match. Split personality Kane?

  13. People are getting on Super-Cena, but what about Super-Danielson?

    Beat one guy in under a minute, then takes out a guy who beat Edge and Jericho. Lasted almost as long as Cena and elminated as many guys as Cena, all while this was his first WWE PPV match.

    It’s all a matter of perspective. I love them both, by the way.

  14. Danielson stayed down when he got nailed with something that was supposed to keep him down.

    I’m fine with Super-Cena, but the end irked the hell out of me because 1) the STF is the worst finisher in this kind of storytelling situation and 2) it was extra rushed due to only having a minute or so left in the PPV.

  15. What Gav said. He got DDT on a matless floor, but beat both attackers within 5 minutes.

    I wish Cena applied the STF tighter as well.