If you forgot about yesterday already, here’s the gist of it: Hawkeye and Captain America proved their worth in protecting the innocent by drugging an innocent Spider-Man, threatening to kill him and then leaving him to die alone in the snow. But if you want a real recap, you’re in luck.

Thanks to ManiacClown, who wrote a huge chunk of this one. And thanks to John Rambo, for killing half a continent over the course of 90 minutes. I salute you.

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Day Seven!

In our last installment, Hawkeye just kind of showed up like a jerk and shot at Spider-Man. Spider-Man realizes that the only way to counter an excessive amount of sound effects is his own assortment of too many sound effects. Let’s watch!

Thanks to ManiacClown for sharing my burden of being constantly confused for MightyGodKing.

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Day Seven!

What, you don’t think we forgot about this, did you? It’s another week of fun at 4th Letter with a brand new issue of Ultimates 3 to deal with.

If you missed the last issue, um… hm. The recap isn’t for another few pages. Bear with me. Here, just read this stuff about Spider-Man. You kids love Spider-Man, right? I promise, no Mephisto jokes.

Thanks again to ManiacClown for reminding me that most of the readers either don’t watch wrestling or are too young to get a Junkyard Dog/”THUMP!” reference.

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In yesterday’s installment, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch shared a tender moment until a bullet came out of nowhere and mortally wounded Scarlet Witch. How awkward. Let’s finish off Ultimates 3 #1 with the latter half of this heartbreaking scene.

I was going to make note of it in the image itself, but on the last page, isn’t that the dude from Naruto? You know, the ninja guy in blue who always looks like he’s stoned? He’s standing next to the woman with the umbrella telling him, “See? I told you Wanda Maximoff didn’t wear panties.”

And that’s the end of that. Thanks again to my collaborator ManiacClown, who will be doing prop comedy at the Laugh Hall in Trenton all this week. Maybe we’ll be back for another go in a month.

Thanks for reading, folks.

Ultimate Edit Week 2!
Ultimate Edit Week 3!
Ultimate Edit Week 4!
Ultimate Edit Week 5

On the Fifth Day of Ultimate Edit, my true love gave to me: something stupid about Twinkies. I don’t know. We’re almost done here. Here’s the first half of the issue’s final scene, involving Magneto’s embarrassments.

On another note, ManiacClown really, really wanted me to insert a reference to Ghetto Man into this segment. I ultimately said no because it didn’t come off right and few would get the joke. I think it’s the least I can do to take a second and link you fine folks to Ghetto Man roasting the Justice League, featuring Ed McMahon.

We’ll finish it off tomorrow.

Day Seven!

Yesterday, the big Venom fight had come to a conclusion, Wasp and Hawkeye got at each other’s throats and everyone’s favorite Alabama prom couple copped attitude at Captain America. Now we got a lot of talking. Sorry. The next three pages aren’t the most exciting.

Just want to make a note that some people have missed. Neither me nor ManiacClown are the guy that did the famous Civil War parody. That was MightyGodKing. I appreciate the compliment, though.

More fun on Monday.

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Day Seven!

As we last left our heroes… Wait. Nobody really looks up to these jokers. As we last left our vigilante protagonists, Venom was kicking their asses. Then Valkyrie flew down from left field and tried chopping him up. It didn’t take. Venom has the sword and has a decent idea of how to use it.

In that first image, at the very bottom, am I the only one who thinks that Venom looks like he’s wearing a monocle? “We want to look rich!”

Once again, thanks to ManiacClown. That ham thing was his brainchild.

Tomorrow = more.

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The Venom Marathon continues! In yesterday’s episode, Venom effortlessly shrugged off several dozen bullets with little discomfort. The Ultimates decided that perhaps tiny lasers and brass knuckles could stop him. They thought wrong. Now let’s get back to the action.

Cutting room floor: collaborator ManiacClown really wanted me to have Valkyrie jump into action while yelling, “DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! Sweater Puppy Power!” but I vetoed it. I figured I’d mention in here to give it at least give his idea a little love.

Join us for more fun tomorrow. Santa Claus is coming to town.

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Last time in Ultimates 3 #1, Vanessa from King of Fighters had sex with a dying man on video and then Venom showed up for no raisin. With the help of ManiacClown, join me in looking at the next three pages of this epic.

More tomorrow. See you then.

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About a year or so ago, I recall explaining Jeph Loeb to somebody. The guy I was talking to only read Marvel, so he didn’t understand why I found Loeb’s writing so annoying. The only thing he knew of him was Loeb’s old Batman stuff, which of course, was very good. This was before Fallen Son, Wolverine and it’s not like he was going to read the then-new miniseries Onslaught Reborn anyway.

I explained it via Superman/Batman and how ridiculous it got after Jeph’s son tragically died of cancer. Loeb’s writing took a turn for the worse to the point that he only relies on his whole “Toss everyone into the mix and watch it sell despite quality” gimmick to get by. He still gets high profile comic jobs that will continue to do well based on both the topic and the great artists he’s usually paired with. No matter how bad his Hulk run is, it will capitalize on both the McGuinness art and the phenomenon of Greg Pak’s amazing Planet/World War Hulk epic. Wolverine was unreadable, but it’s Wolverine and the pages looked amazing.

My friend didn’t care much about Superman or Batman, so my explanation of why it was so bad towards the end of Loeb’s run didn’t work. To better explain, I jokingly came up with Jeph Loeb’s Spider-Man/Wolverine. A hypothetical comic where in one story they would face Doctor Octopus, who has for some reason taken over the Hand. Or a story where Ben Reilly returns with an adamantium skeleton. Or a story with Mary Jane becoming the new Phoenix. If anything else, I knew that there would be some kind of story arc where Venom and Magneto would team up. Such a concept makes no sense in any way, but that would never stop Loeb from shoehorning those two popular villains together for the sake of another epic crossover filled with random guest appearances.

I was only half joking when I suggested it, and yet here it is. Much has been said about Jeph Loeb and MAD!’s Ultimates 3 #1. Very few of it good. It’s nice of them to wait until December to release this, as we can be sure that this is really the worst comic of the year. In a year where Mary Marvel turned slutty and fought a demon made of dead babies who threatened to eat her poop, it was still toppled by this muddy comic that can only be considered the Ultimate line’s first great step into self-destruction.

This comic needs its own special take. Much like Christopher Bird‘s deservingly popular take on Civil War, I teamed up with Something Awful forum member ManiacClown to create Ultimate Edit. Speaking of Mr. Bird, he was gracious enough to help me find a font that doesn’t scrape the eyes. Nice guy.

That’s it for today. Join us tomorrow for the next three pages.

Day Two!
Day Three!
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Day Six!
Day Seven!