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Mystery Science Theater Beatdown: The Greatest Video Game to Never Exist

April 13th, 2012 by | Tags: ,

I love fighting games. I also love Mystery Science Theater 3000. Never have I really considered the idea of mixing the two.

A guy by the name of FutureDami decided that not only should such a thing exist, but he went the extra mile with it by making a gallery of “official” profile art for such a hypothetical video game. Rather than go with the obvious of Mike, Joel, the Bots and the Mads, FutureDami instead goes with the many, many bizarre characters our heroes have been forced to watch over the show’s ten seasons. Behold the world of Mystery Science Theater Beatdown!

Yes, who needs playable Mike and Joel when you have Trumpy, Torgo, the Phantom of Krankor, the Hobgoblins, the Beast of Yucca Flats and Mr. B Natural?

Each character piece also features a profile, including how they would fight had this game existed. Check it out. It’s a great who’s who/love letter.

PUMAMAN (Episode 903)

Professor Tony Farms could have gone his entire life without knowing he was THE PUMAMAN. Yes, he could sense danger. Sure, he could see in the dark. And he was vaguely aware that his hands were steel claws, after a series of broken nail-clippers and inexplicably ruined sofas.

But it was only when Tony was hurled out a window by Aztec priest Vidinio that he truly embraced his inner puma, making him technically some sort of 70s proto furry.

Pumaman is an aerial attacker, using the natural flying abilities of the puma(?) and feline grace to flail around and fall at a 45 degree angle. Most of his attacks involve him losing control of his pitch/yaw, crying and giving up, and simply slamming into his opponent with the force of a discarded dishrag.

PITCH (Episode 521)

Pitch is a part time devil working for Lucifer. After a brief stint lowering the productivity of bread delivery drivers, Pitch settled in to a decent routine of minor harassment. Working odd jobs for eternity in hell has given pitch a wide array or marginally useful skills.

In combat, Pitch is quite versatile, able to switch the position of his asbestos-tipped trident for various styles of fighting. He has three stances:

“Infernal” a fire based magical stance where Pitch uses his sulphurous combustion breath.

“Impenetrable” a guarded stance in which Pitch torments his opponents witch cheap ranged stabs and stuns.

“Ineffable” a forbidden hubris-based style that is inherently too overpowered, complex, and abstract to be adequately communicated.

DROPPO (Episode 321)

Droppo is lazy. I mean seriously lazy. The guy is such a bum, he can waste other people’s time simply from being in the same room. He is probably the laziest man on Mars. If there was a Martian DMV, he would work there. Part time.

He is equipped with pulse-phase anti-gravity boots, and a deadly q-ray pistol, but Droppo can hardly be assed to use them.

What, do you ask, is his advantage in combat? This: You can’t beat a guy who doesn’t give a crap. There is at this date, no known way to defeat Droppo.

NASTINKA (Episode 813)

Knowing his time was nearly at an end, the jovial Jack Frost adbicated his frozen throne and dominion over ice to pert young Nastinka.

She was, after all, the only person ever to recover from the bone chilling effect of his magic scepter. This weapon was susequently reclassified: “Will freeze to death anything it touches save for a few rare exceptions when true love and plot convenience is involved. Use as directed.”

Nastinka does not have a large health pool, and will shatter with a few punches. Good luck ever getting close enough to her, though. She will call down ferocious aoe snowstorms slowing opponents, and will slick the ground wherever she walks for several seconds causing enemies to slip and fall in a comedic manner.

She will smile in a pleasant innocent manner while you are entombed in a bitter cold casket, and wait patiently while all the blood in your veins turns to ice. Do not mess with Nastinka.

ZAP ROWSDOWER (Episode 910)

No description needed. Its ROWSDOWER.

(Drinking arm status: healed)

Awesome. Absolutely awesome.

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13 comments to “Mystery Science Theater Beatdown: The Greatest Video Game to Never Exist”

  1. thank gawd it even has joe don baker.


  2. ^THIS^ is why M.U.G.E.N. was invented. Someone get on it… NOW!


  3. [...] David Brothers has drawn my attention to a cool DeviantArt page that mashes up an all-star cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters into a fighting game, Mystery Science Theater Beatdown. It’s neat to see artist FutureDami’s takes on Torgo, Trumpy and Pumaman, but I was especially pleased to see an entry on Molly Mokembe, voodoo sorceress extraordinaire, from the Canuxploitation classic Zombie Nightmare. [...]


  4. This… this… I don’t… it’s so… wonderful. It’s so perfect. I want to give this person money for creating something that gave me so much joy.


  5. Where do I pay for the Kickstarter project on this?


  6. GENIUS.


  7. ROWSDOWER!


  8. ROWSDOWER!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGAxPEeNtVM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUq1KrTaTL4


  9. There is nothing about this that I don’t absolutely love.


  10. no prince of space?


  11. @vidstudent: This is what Kickstarter was made for, surely. If we can’t fund a fighting game based on a cult 90s TV show about cult cinema, what’s the point of the internet?


  12. [...] of 4thletter, we have this glorious vision of what a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fighting game could be! [...]


  13. It’s interesting that the first things I think of are the song-lyric riffs.

    “Pu-ma-man, he flies like a moron…”
    “It’s the dev-il’s the-eme, stup-id little song…”