This is… This… I don’t know. It just is and I made it.

With apologies to Jack Kirby and Dan Walsh.

No idea, but Gav told me to do this.

From the ever-classic rap battle.

It’s been an interesting week for Dr. Doom. Wait, let me rephrase that: Dr. Doom has been a total jerk this week! Yes, I know being a jerk is his thing, but he’s gone the extra mile lately. In Dark Avengers, he’s rude to Osborn and his henchmen for saving his life. In Dr. Doom and the Masters of Evil, not only does he double-cross Magneto, but the entire miniseries is reasoning to make Doom even more of an asshole. Then you have Dark Reign: The Cabal. In one segment, he burns alive two of his servants just to make sure Loki is who she says she is.

Plus there’s the first segment, written by Jonathan Hickman and Adi Granov. I thought it was a cool segment (I love Granov-drawn Venom), but… I just didn’t think they went far enough. So I went back and fixed it up. The first page is untouched, but I’d like to think that the rest of it is an improvement.

Interesting that Doom thinks that Noh-Varr and Ares won’t stand for Osborn’s shit for too long. Plus I guess we’re getting the Spider-Man movie Goblin armor in comic form once Osborn gets tired of being Iron Patriot.

We’re almost done with yet another week of this awful Morrison mind-scramble crap. God, what a hack. Between this and his Seven Soldiers run, I don’t even get why the man gets any work. Did you even read his New X-Men run a few years back? The guy who followed him was SOOOO much better.

But enough about that. Yesterday’s update saw some incomprehensible garbage involving Rubik’s Cubes and Metron as a tard. I don’t know, Final Crisis sucks. Let’s move forward!

As always, thanks to david “hermanos” brothers for helping me with this. He wanted me to remind you that a new Seaguy miniseries comes out today. Make sure to stay far away from that tripe. The last one was bad enough. Fucking Morrison.

We’re almost done with this week. Tomorrow, we get Darkseid at a rave and a guy with a bunch of bubble monitor things wrapped around his head. You can see a preview here.

I had been thinking about writing a review of the Watchmen movie, but if you’re anything like me, you’re sick of reading reviews. Everyone hits the same notes, pretty much. The guy playing Rorschach was great. The lady playing the first Silk Spectre was not so great. The music wasn’t incorporated very well. The sex scene went on way too long. After that, it’s just the writer’s opinion on how well it did in relation to the original material. Was it too close to the material to be good? Too far away to be good? Was it just right?

So rather than doing a full review (I liked the movie enough to see it twice. There.), I made this.

Anyway. Right now I’m in a creative tug-of-war between articles. I’ve been working on the next We Care a Lot and a review of the SNK vs. Capcom Chaos comics. It’s kind of led to a case of writer’s block, so right now I’m in the middle of working on an update for the Contents page. You know it’s been about a year to the day since I last updated that? That was when Hoatzin was still writing.

Hoatzin, what happened to you? Are you injured? Talk to meeeee!

Well, here it is! The last day.

In the penultimate installment, Quicksilver sacrificed himself for his father by taking an arrow to the chest. The irony is that he would have been able to run in there in time to catch the arrow with his hands if he didn’t have that limp from being shot in the knees by Magneto back in Ultimate War! Good going, Master of Magnetism.

Here’s the rest.

And that does it. My eternal thanks to ManiacClown for writing this with me from issue #1. Thanks to hermanos for the site to showcase this and his never ending support. Thanks to the MightyGodKing himself, Christopher Bird, for his guidance. Thanks to Jeph Loeb, the Joel Schumacher of comics, for giving us such an easy target.

And especially thanks to all of you readers out there who enjoyed it. Even those of you who didn’t enjoy it. You gave it a shot anyway, so I can’t argue.

Now, will there be some kind of Ultimatum Edit in the near future? Hm… we’ll see.

BUT! I can do you one better. I’m sure many of you have heard of Rifftrax, the website second coming of Mystery Science Theater 3000, headed by Mike Nelson and the rest. Some of you may have heard of iRiffs, the new feature on the site. Now any moron with a microphone and time on his hands can put together his own Rifftrax selections for the public to purchase and enjoy.

I am one of these morons.

That’s right. Me, Nick “ManiacClown” Zachariasen and my old friend James Howard will be making fun of things video/audio-style. Here we’re just starting off with Japoteurs, a somewhat racist Superman cartoon from the 40’s. But we have a lot more in the works, so stay tuned once the iRiffs section is up and running.

Tomorrow or so, I’ll probably have some kind of annotations thing for Ultimate Edit up. So if you’re into that kind of stuff, check it out.

Again, thanks for reading, folks. It’s been a blast.

Home stretch time.

In the last installment, Ant Man said something really unbearably stupid. Let’s move on as the Ultimates confront Magneto, not with actions, but with words.

So, yeah, if you were wondering where I was going with that inner dialogue about Iron Man’s spine, there you go.

Thanks to writing partner ManiacClown for coming up with too much usable dialogue so that I had to make the text all scrunched up and awkward looking to fit in some word bubbles. Thanks a lot, jerk!

Tomorrow is the big conclusion. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Day Seven!

Yesterday saw more scheming from Ultron/Yellowjacket, who has more holes in his plan than Bonnie and Clyde. Then Magneto went on a magnetic rampage until a bunch of robots fell out of the sky.

Now it’s time to discover the secret of WHO IS BLACK PANTHER?!

If you’re wondering, the real answer for why he’s dressed as Black Panther is “We’ll discuss it later, Jan. Magneto is the real priority.” I hate you, Ultimates 3.

Join us again tomorrow as we’ll get more hot Valkyrie action.

Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

In yesterday’s crackerjack installment, Ultron just kept talking about his backstory. He was in love with Scarlet Witch, so he killed her. As Kyle Gass would put it, Ultron is total love-knife material.

Let’s continue, shall we?

I should note that prior to this issue’s release, ManiacClown forced me to watch Maximum Overdrive. Hence, he insists that we shove in as many references to it as possible. Just a warning.

More tomorrow, but you already know that.

Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

It’s that time again. The final week of Ultimate Edit is upon is. Ten months to come out with five issues that had a two-year head start. Impressive. Unfortunately, this doesn’t beat Loeb’s other recent five-issue travesty Onslaught Reborn, illustrated by Rob Liefeld, which took well over a year for all five issues to come out.

You know, the delay of that comic hides the fact that it starts off with the end of House of M, but by the final issue, which was about a day or so later, it’s post-Civil War. What’s up with that?

Quick recap!

Issue one had Scarlet Witch get shot. Donald Blake showed up and it’s never touched on again.

Issue two had a big Ultimates vs. Brotherhood fight.

Issue three was Wolverine talking about how he used to wear an onion on his belt, as that was the style.

Issue four is about a battle in the Savage Land followed by a robot cliffhanger.

Let’s get this show on the road.

What can I say? I’m from New Jersey. I have to work in a Jovyism whenever I can.

And, as always, thanks to my collaborator (in the Vichy French sense) ManiacClown, who is indeed talking to you.

Check back in tomorrow. Especially check back on Day Seven for a special extra surprise.

Day Two!
Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!