Yesterday’s installment featured Thor and Captain America talking about financing or whatever, followed by Iron Man and Ms. Less-Than-Marvel taking on Multiple Man. Then an arrow shot out. Who could it possibly be?!

In Ultimate X-Men #100, they killed off Ultimate Madrox, so in one fell swoop we get rid of the Matrix and Rocky Horror jokes. Due to the latter, ManiacClown is currently inconsolable.

Join us tomorrow as we close out yet another week.

Day Seven!

And we return. As you may recall, the last installment had the X-Men being dysfunctional as always. Then we saw Thor and Captain America fight side-by-side against the Army of Darkness in order to save the life of Valkyrie.

In terms of cutting room floor jokes, ManiacClown wanted to have Danvers complain that she can accept being killed by Magneto or Doom, but not a C-lister like Multiple Man. Then after a series of shots, “BLAM! D-lister. BLAM! E-lister. BLAM!”

Tomorrow we have… Okay, let me break it down for you. The first issue had a variant cover of Dazzler. The second one had a variant cover of Xavier. We saw what happened with those two. This issue’s variant has Yellowjacket. You know you want to read tomorrow’s update.

Day Six!
Day Seven!

And we move forward. Yesterday saw Magneto sit back and listen to the Scarlet Witch. But how can that be if Wanda is dead? But what of the Multiple Man hiding out behind his throne? Today’s update has both of those answers.

Thanks to ManiacClown, who tried to have me change Magneto’s rant into a different topic. No dice, my friend.

Tomorrow we’ll see Giant Man vs. the Blob. It’s really stupid.

Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

Ah, nothing like a major company event taking a lengthy delay to let you stretch out your legs and enjoy your vacation. Time’s up, I’m afraid and it’s time to get back on the horse. Welcome to another week of Ultimatum Edit.

The first two weeks are here and here. If you need to go back even farther, just hit the Ultimate Edit like a good kid.

I’d explain what’s gone on previously, but I’ll just let the comic explain it for me.

Thanks to ManiacClown, who has returned once again to help me co-write this. Tomorrow we’ll get some explosive action with Multiple Man.

Day Two!
Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

Yesterday, Valkyrie got knocked out of the sky by Pyro and then Mastermind mastered her mind. Then Pyro received the nomination for Most Out-of-Character in a Jeph Loeb Production. Congratulations, Mr. Allerdyce.

Now we go to a Lord of the Rings battle sequence that’s reduced to three pages because MAD! can’t fit any more into his hefty schedule.

Tomorrow we’ll get a little conclusion to this scene, as well as more fun with robots to close out the week.

Thanks to ManiacClown, who’s good at translating our thoughts into Thor-speak.

Day Seven!

It was only yesterday when we saw some of the Ultimates just kind of hang out in the jungle. Then Captain America rescued Wasp from the clutches of a robotic Iron Man double. That’s about it.

This issue is a very special one. I’ve decided to fit in a couple pages of ads for you. Namely, Marvel’s ads for Ultimate Origins. Sure, the first issue already came out, but better late than never.

ManiacClown and I will continue with Hawkeye’s emergency intestinal surgery tomorrow. See you then.

Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

Welcome back. Previously on Ultimate Edit, Thor was seduced into fighting Valkyrie and Iron Man gave Blob a ride to the bus stop. That’s about it. We’re almost at the end of the issue, but for now, let’s have another moment with Captain America and Hawkeye.

This one had a lot of stuff cut out. ManiacClown really wanted to drive home the whole Sabretooth/Triple H comparison, but I didn’t think too many people would get it. I was going to have Captain America tell Sabretooth, “Tigger, please!”, but it was too forced and really didn’t go well sandwiched between hermanos’ whole Black History Month fiesta. And ManiacClown wanted Hawkeye to really, really hate apples for whatever reason.

We finish off the issue tomorrow, so I know you don’t want to miss that fun.

Day Seven!

And we’re back. In yesterday’s installment, Quicksilver showed up to show off Scarlet Witch’s dead body, vikings had sex and something exploded. Sounds like a full day. Now we see what Iron Man’s up to. Fun fact: Tony Stark makes you feel he’s a cool exec with a heart of steel. And if you’re a woman, Tony Stark makes you feel other things.

Thanks to ManiacClown by having me take the high road with masturbation jokes. See you tomorrow.

Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

About a year or so ago, I recall explaining Jeph Loeb to somebody. The guy I was talking to only read Marvel, so he didn’t understand why I found Loeb’s writing so annoying. The only thing he knew of him was Loeb’s old Batman stuff, which of course, was very good. This was before Fallen Son, Wolverine and it’s not like he was going to read the then-new miniseries Onslaught Reborn anyway.

I explained it via Superman/Batman and how ridiculous it got after Jeph’s son tragically died of cancer. Loeb’s writing took a turn for the worse to the point that he only relies on his whole “Toss everyone into the mix and watch it sell despite quality” gimmick to get by. He still gets high profile comic jobs that will continue to do well based on both the topic and the great artists he’s usually paired with. No matter how bad his Hulk run is, it will capitalize on both the McGuinness art and the phenomenon of Greg Pak’s amazing Planet/World War Hulk epic. Wolverine was unreadable, but it’s Wolverine and the pages looked amazing.

My friend didn’t care much about Superman or Batman, so my explanation of why it was so bad towards the end of Loeb’s run didn’t work. To better explain, I jokingly came up with Jeph Loeb’s Spider-Man/Wolverine. A hypothetical comic where in one story they would face Doctor Octopus, who has for some reason taken over the Hand. Or a story where Ben Reilly returns with an adamantium skeleton. Or a story with Mary Jane becoming the new Phoenix. If anything else, I knew that there would be some kind of story arc where Venom and Magneto would team up. Such a concept makes no sense in any way, but that would never stop Loeb from shoehorning those two popular villains together for the sake of another epic crossover filled with random guest appearances.

I was only half joking when I suggested it, and yet here it is. Much has been said about Jeph Loeb and MAD!’s Ultimates 3 #1. Very few of it good. It’s nice of them to wait until December to release this, as we can be sure that this is really the worst comic of the year. In a year where Mary Marvel turned slutty and fought a demon made of dead babies who threatened to eat her poop, it was still toppled by this muddy comic that can only be considered the Ultimate line’s first great step into self-destruction.

This comic needs its own special take. Much like Christopher Bird‘s deservingly popular take on Civil War, I teamed up with Something Awful forum member ManiacClown to create Ultimate Edit. Speaking of Mr. Bird, he was gracious enough to help me find a font that doesn’t scrape the eyes. Nice guy.

That’s it for today. Join us tomorrow for the next three pages.

Day Two!
Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

Last night I went to the local supermall, knowing that they were showing X3 every half hour or so. Considering I got there at 8, I was a bit surprised that the next available showing was at 11:40. Goddamn it.

So, fifteen hamburgers later it’s time to see the movie. This is, after the usual barrage of movie previews, like Superman Returns, Nacho Libre, Leonard Part 6, Three Fast Three Furious and that crappy-looking Omen remake that they tossed together so they could release something evil on 6/6/06. Sadly, no trailers for Snakes on a Plane.

The movie was really pasted together and shoved out the door as fast as possible so Fox could push it to be the big Memorial Day weekend movie. It shows, considering the big clusterfuck we get. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun clusterfuck, but it’s a clusterfuck nonetheless. I just love using that word… “it’s”. Read the rest of this entry �