Ah, nothing like a major company event taking a lengthy delay to let you stretch out your legs and enjoy your vacation. Time’s up, I’m afraid and it’s time to get back on the horse. Welcome to another week of Ultimatum Edit.
The first two weeks are here and here. If you need to go back even farther, just hit the Ultimate Edit like a good kid.
I’d explain what’s gone on previously, but I’ll just let the comic explain it for me.
Thanks to ManiacClown, who has returned once again to help me co-write this. Tomorrow we’ll get some explosive action with Multiple Man.
Yet another installment of Ultimatum Edit Week comes to a close today. Last time, we saw the infamous Blob sequence. That’s really all that needs to be said.
Let’s get this over with.
And that’s that. I’m wondering if that last page is an homage to the Xorn reveal from Morrison’s New X-Men.
ManiacClown and I will be around for the next round, I’m sure. In the meantime, please check out our Rifftrax of Frosty Returns. Sure, the holidays are over, but the thing is only 75 cents and the quality is a lot better than our previous project.
As for me, it’s time to get back to writing those wacky Venom articles. See you later, folks. Thanks for reading.
Yesterday’s installment was all about Thor going into the afterlife to go save Valkyrie. I don’t even know what she’s doing in Valhalla in the first place. She died by drowning. You don’t get into Valhalla for weak garbage like that.
No matter. We continue Thor’s quest and move onto that scene. God help us.
ManiacClown is entirely to blame for the second page. I’ve seen Rocky Horror Picture Show maybe once in my life and that was years ago. That was enough.
Tomorrow we finish the week off with a confrontation between Xavier and Magneto. Surely, it will fail to capture the greatness of their battle from the second Japanese X-Men cartoon intro, where they fight by blasting Xavier’s mind rays against Magneto’s magnetic rays.
Greetings. Yesterday, we saw Reed Richards (the man with no brain), Dr. Doom (the tin man with no heart) and Zarda (the woman with no characterization) banding together to go find the eye-patch Wizard. Then we saw Thor fly around, looking for Valkyrie. Does he find her? We’ll find out in just a moment.
Hope you’re not too burned out by the holidays.
Those are some tiny, tiny panties.
ManiacClown is like the Babel Fish of Thor-speak, so God bless him. He’s also informed me that Hela isn’t connected to Valhalla at all.
We’ll be back tomorrow with the first Ultimatum Edit of the New Year. And there’s no better way to celebrate than with a page so awful that it dwarfs both that above Hela page AND that one Ultimates 3 Hank Pym page in pure badness.
Previously, Hawkeye and Yellowjacket moved past their differences and saw common ground… I guess. Then Thing tried to comfort Sue, only to have her use her powers on him in her sleep.
Let’s continue with the Fantastic Four theme by checking in with Reed and Namor.
We’re not even really exaggerating on Reed’s behavior on those first two pages. The guy is really that dense within this story.
Thanks again to ManiacClown. I’m too tired to have anything witty to go with that.
After a little recap, yesterday saw Iron Man try to save Captain America’s life in the way you save a man on fire by stomping on them. Then we had Carol Danvers’ gigantic guns.
With the disaster still fresh, we now join Yellowjacket and Hawkeye, followed soon after with Thing and Invisible Woman.
Hey, by the way, if you’re reposting these images on another site, please be nice enough to at least post a link to us. That includes you, Banhammer.
ManiacClown insisted that Giant Man use the line “Olly, Olly, X-Men free!” but that’s so corny that even I feel like punching my monitor.
I’m also disappointed that at no point during the Thing segment did I have a chance to fit the line, “Oh, Aunt Petunia. Oh, forgive me. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me…”
Join us tomorrow as Zarda appears and reminds me of how horrendous Squadron Supreme has become in the last couple years. Have any of you been reading that junk?
And we’re back. Ultimatum #2 came out this week in a one-two punch of grief alongside its brother in arms Hulk #9. Both very bad. Really, you’re better off reading the new Batman because it’s freaking awesome. I know most of you were disappointed in RIP, but it’s a cool follow-up. For reals.
In the first week of Ultimatum Edit, several characters (and countless civilians that we don’t hear much about) are killed as New York City is covered in a big tidal wave. Then Latveria is frozen. Xavier creates a mental chatroom and tells everyone that Magneto’s behind everything.
So far this has nothing to do with the word “ultimatum” other than it’s based on “ultimate” and sounds cool. As far as I know, Magneto isn’t negotiating anything.
Just to point out to those who haven’t read this issue, this is the entirety of Spider-Man and Hulk’s appearance for the comic. So to review, Spider-Man’s actions in Ultimatum #2 are as follows:
1) Have trouble lifting a car.
2) Have Hulk lift car.
Thanks to ManiacClown, who vehemently disagreed with my shilling on the splash page.
Tomorrow, jokes about Iron Man being drunk. Those never get old!
I love Christmas. Talk about commercialism or Jesus or what have you, I still enjoy this time of year. Hell, even working a job in retail, I can take it. Besides, we’re actually making money for once! Whoo!
It’s a mixture of a lot of things. I’ve reached the point in my life where I don’t base my enjoyment of the season on getting gifts. I’m more interested in giving gifts to friends and family. Giving to charity. That kind of sissy shit.
Plus I just love the Christmas culture. Santa Claus, talking snowmen, elf dentists, jokes about Kwanzaa, festive music that I enjoy but can only stand for about a month anyway and happy endings. A good Christmas classic is the kind of thing that can put a guy in a good mood. George Baily realizing how important he is in the grand scheme of things or Bill Murray making amends with a psychotic Bobcat Goldthwait.
Or, in the case of The Last Christmas, watching Santa Claus kick a ton of ass in a post-apocalyptic setting.
When you think about Christmas and comics, I hope that some of you are reminded of Ultimate Edit Thor. If so, good news. Tomorrow night, expect the next installment of Ultimatum Edit Week. And what an issue. Sorry, sorry, I said that wrong. What I meant to say was, what a piece of shit. If you thought Ultimates 3 #4 was awful, wait until you get a load of this.
We usually never touch the variant covers in the Edits, but since it’s Christmas and it’s such a goofy image of Xavier (no, that isn’t Wong in a wheelchair), here’s a little something for yourself.
While I’m at it, enjoy some random YouTube holiday videos.
Yesterday’s installment featured what was essentially the Ultimate Super-Villain Team-Up getting taken down a peg. Speaking of villains, it’s time to reveal who’s behind the events of Ultimatum. It’s going to be a huge surprise if you ignore every single shred of hype for this godawful comic.
That’s enough for now. Maniac Clown and I will be back next time. Finch is good with deadlines, right? So it isn’t going to take nearly a year like the last time?
Once again, please give our iRiff take on Superman in Japoteurs a look. It’s only a dollar. Scratch that, it’s 99 cents! See? We’re trying to trick you into thinking that you’re paying for something that isn’t really a dollar when it kinda just is!
