It’s interesting when you look back at some of Marvel and DC’s big villains from over the years. Having characters written by a hundred different writers over several decades and style eras lead to a ton of contrasts in character definition. It’s hard to see the humbled Magneto living in the ruins of Genosha as being the same dude who would go to a gas station just to brag about his awesome gasless car. Or that the Joker would go from fighting Batman and Robin on a giant piano to cannibalism for the sake of his own sense of grim hilarity.

I don’t know about you, but when you read enough stories with these villains, you get an idea of what you think they are really all about. You can’t just say that they’re simply evil. That’s lazy. You have to have an idea of what makes them tick. Why are they evil assholes?

I’m not saying I’m right on these or anything like that. This is just me making sense out of fictional characters based on stories and key moments.

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I used to feel kind of sorry for Iron Fist, despite not having read many of his comics. It’s stupid to feel that way for a fictional character you know little about, but I did. Everyone always thought highly of Luke Cage, but nobody ever cared for Iron Fist. Did Iron Fist get shoved back into center stage by Brian Michael Bendis? Did Iron Fist ever review old Twinkie ads with Doctor Doom and a talking fish? Have you ever heard anyone wax poetic about that awesome comic where Iron Fist beat up Doom? No, not really. All he got was a bunch of jokes about his name and costume, all while being referred to as Power Man’s sidekick.

Even Bendis didn’t seem to give him much love. If you look at Iron Fist’s appearances in Daredevil under Bendis’ pen, it feels as if he writes him out of necessity. In every appearance he makes, he’s standing firmly in Cage’s shadow. All he ever does is help out Cage. He’s the supporting character of a supporting character. Granted, Bendis did give him that awesome scene in the Pulse where Danny got all tense and insinuated that Jessica Jones is a whore. I like Jessica and all, but that was flat out hilarious.

His facial expression after that just says, “Whoa, that may have been a bit over the line… but really.”

It was Bendis’ lax treatment that made Ed Brubaker’s reveal that Danny Rand was filling in for Daredevil one of the all-time best revelations in comics. It worked out so well. It didn’t come out of nowhere, but Iron Fist was so low profile in his background actions that it wasn’t obvious. Then it succeeded to both push Iron Fist out of Luke’s shadow and give him a new lease on life by giving him his own critically acclaimed series and a spot on the Cage-led New Avengers.

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I’m currently bouncing back and forth between several writing projects for this site and I’m tired as hell, so I’ll just fall back on a stupid Photoshop gag.

For shame, Quesada. Ruining the dreams of all those 13-year-old girls and Hoatzin.

Right now, I’m going to stay away from Amazing Spider-Man. Unless, of course, there’s some kind of Venom arc. I’m shallow like that. Other than that, I’m going to spend my reading time catching up on Sinestro Corps or Casanova for a while. If I’m proven wrong and Brand New Day turns out to be redeeming, then that’s what trades are for.

As if you didn’t know, 2007 is over and done with. It’s a new year and a time to access the future. It’s time to come up with goals and hopes for 2008 and to plan for the next 365 days. Here are my New Years Resolutions:

– I resolve to finally write that series of articles about Venom’s bizarre history as a comic character, featuring such things as Venom and Carnage fighting inside the internet and the guest appearance of cyber-ninja Mace, the most forgettable shoe-horned superhero I’ve ever seen. Okay, I remember him, but that’s not my point.

– I resolve to lose about 20 more pounds. Funny thing, back before I decided to go on a diet months ago, I was going to start a ridiculous internet campaign for me to play the part of Seymour from the very end of Watchmen. So when you do watch that movie in theaters and you see that chubby guy reaching for a journal, remember to reflect on what could have been. I know I will…

– I resolve to continue to get on Wanderer’s case for never writing anything for the site. Then I’ll get depressed when I remember that he has about 29 legitimate writing jobs and I just work retail.

– I resolve to read and review every single comic starring Mr. T.

– I resolve to set aside at least a minute every day to roll my eyes at this Spider-Man: Brand New Day crap.

– I resolve to finally get going on my own comic book concept so that in a couple years, I can read it and make fun of it on this very site.

– I resolve to not fight the Monarch because I hear from a good source that he is badass.

– I resolve to lead my team to victory in the 8th Annual 4th Letter vs. Funnybook Babylon Charity Volleyball Game.

– I resolve to receive a restraining order from one Matt Fraction.

– I resolve to discover the storage freezer where writer Len Kaminski is kept. Really, that guy was totally awesome back in the day and he’s completely vanished from the face of the Earth. What the hell happened to him?!

– I resolve to make more jokes about how much Wyatt Wingfoot sucks. More like “WyamIreadingabout Wingfoot?” am I right?

– I resolve to get around to reading Sentences by MF Grimm so I can show hermanos that I’m, uh, down.

– I resolve to finally review what I consider to be the all-time worst comic book issue of all time. It may kill me, but I’ll do it.

Have a happy new year, people.

Hey, did you hear? Monarch is badass.

Over the past month, DC has been releasing Countdown: Arena. In it, Monarch has been planning for his war against the Monitors. Why is he at war against the Monitors?

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Despite being a millionaire who knows 4,103 ways to kill a man, I feel sorry for Iron Fist around this time of year. Think about it. His partner Luke Cage probably has a stocking the size of a horse’s head. But what about Danny? How many gifts can you possibly fit in a tiny, little, yellow ballet slipper? You can try to prop up a candy cane or two, but they’ll probably fall out of it by morning. And candy canes aren’t even all that good.

To add to the Heroes for Hire/Christmas humor, try to imagine Cage and Iron Fist singing We’re a Couple of Misfits from Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.

“We’re a couple of misfits!
We’re a couple of misfits!
What’s the matter with misfits?
That’s where we fit in!”

“So why are you a misfit again, Danny?”

“Everybody makes fun of me because my fist glows. And also because of my shoes. And the rest of my costume. And my name. But mainly the costume. You?”

“I’m a misfit because I want to be a dentist.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, well… All right. Not exactly a dentist, you see. I just wanna knock fools’ teeth out.”

“I… uh… Luke, I don’t know if that qualifies you as a misfit. Wait, you are black, right? That should count for something!”

“……”

“What? Why are you cracking your knuckles?”

“Danny, it’s time for your appointment. Let me take a look at your molars… bouncing off the wall.”

Merry Christmas, folks.

In yesterday’s installment, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch shared a tender moment until a bullet came out of nowhere and mortally wounded Scarlet Witch. How awkward. Let’s finish off Ultimates 3 #1 with the latter half of this heartbreaking scene.

I was going to make note of it in the image itself, but on the last page, isn’t that the dude from Naruto? You know, the ninja guy in blue who always looks like he’s stoned? He’s standing next to the woman with the umbrella telling him, “See? I told you Wanda Maximoff didn’t wear panties.”

And that’s the end of that. Thanks again to my collaborator ManiacClown, who will be doing prop comedy at the Laugh Hall in Trenton all this week. Maybe we’ll be back for another go in a month.

Thanks for reading, folks.

Ultimate Edit Week 2!
Ultimate Edit Week 3!
Ultimate Edit Week 4!
Ultimate Edit Week 5

On the Fifth Day of Ultimate Edit, my true love gave to me: something stupid about Twinkies. I don’t know. We’re almost done here. Here’s the first half of the issue’s final scene, involving Magneto’s embarrassments.

On another note, ManiacClown really, really wanted me to insert a reference to Ghetto Man into this segment. I ultimately said no because it didn’t come off right and few would get the joke. I think it’s the least I can do to take a second and link you fine folks to Ghetto Man roasting the Justice League, featuring Ed McMahon.

We’ll finish it off tomorrow.

Day Seven!

Yesterday, the big Venom fight had come to a conclusion, Wasp and Hawkeye got at each other’s throats and everyone’s favorite Alabama prom couple copped attitude at Captain America. Now we got a lot of talking. Sorry. The next three pages aren’t the most exciting.

Just want to make a note that some people have missed. Neither me nor ManiacClown are the guy that did the famous Civil War parody. That was MightyGodKing. I appreciate the compliment, though.

More fun on Monday.

Day Six!
Day Seven!

As we last left our heroes… Wait. Nobody really looks up to these jokers. As we last left our vigilante protagonists, Venom was kicking their asses. Then Valkyrie flew down from left field and tried chopping him up. It didn’t take. Venom has the sword and has a decent idea of how to use it.

In that first image, at the very bottom, am I the only one who thinks that Venom looks like he’s wearing a monocle? “We want to look rich!”

Once again, thanks to ManiacClown. That ham thing was his brainchild.

Tomorrow = more.

Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!