The Summerslam Countdown: Day Five

August 9th, 2011 by | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

So I’m watching last night’s Raw and I’m thinking about this whole CM Punk/Cena angle and it hits me.

– CM Punk is a guy who felt the need to retire.
– CM Punk unretired because he feels he’s needed and has an obsession when it comes to beating people up while wearing tights.
– He’s sick of an unbeatable, wholesome, insufferable superhero of a man who appears to be a tool for the system.
– His actions lead to a massive cult following with people dressing like him and pumping their fists in the air in his name.
– For standing in the face of the system and going too far, they end up sending that unbeatable super dude after him.
– CM Punk feels that they could have changed the business, but he’s a political liability and John Cena… John Cena’s a joke.
– In his most private moments, John Cena will have to remember the one man who beat him.

In other words, the CM Punk angle is Dark Knight Returns.

“The rest of us learned to cope. The rest of us recognized the danger – of the endless envy of those not blessed. Jericho went back to his band. Brock went to the octagon. And I have walked the razor’s edge for so long… But you, Punk – you, with your wild obsession.”

“I will never forget Colt Cabana. He was a good soldier. He honored me. But the war goes on.”



Date: August 27, 1990
Era: Hogan Era
Location: The Spectrum in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Known as: That one where Hogan comes back to get his revenge on Earthquake

Exciting times for the WWF, depending on who you ask, as we have recently been given a new champion in the Ultimate Warrior. Unfortunately, a top face is only as good as his top heels and the company is lacking in giving him anyone important enough to work with. Enter Rick Rude, who lacks the threat level, but has the bragging rights of having pinned the Warrior before. Keep in mind, Warrior had won that feud, but whatever. Rude is still a great worker and their previous matches have been pretty damn good. What of Earthquake, the company’s newest monster? He’s too busy having crushed Hulk Hogan’s ribs. Tugboat, Hogan’s pal, had started a letter campaign to help convince him to heal up and return to the ring. Although Earthquake crushed Tugboat later on, the message was loud and clear: Hogan is coming back, brother!

The Atmosphere

We get our overly-enthusiastic intro of Vince SCREAMING about the double main event. That’s cool. The problem of this show is that despite this being a golden age of promo ability, Summerslam 1990 goes over the line and gives us too many promos. The show has ten scheduled matches and I swear to God, over half the show is people talking about their matches. No matter how good some of them are, they are so overwhelming. Don’t believe me? Here’s a list.

1) Mr. Perfect and Heenan pre-match.
2) Texas Tornado pre-match.
3) Dusty Rhodes and Hacksaw wondering where Sapphire is.
4) Mr. Perfect post-match.
5) Demolition pre-match.
6) Hart Foundation pre-match.
7) Legion of Doom and Hart Foundation post-match (including Animal using the term, “micro mini-men in a big man’s world!”).
8) Sean Mooney listening to Demolition rant post-match.
9) Queen Sherri post-match.
10) Mean Gene goes over the rest of the matches of the night.
11) Big Boss Man pre-match.
12) Hacksaw and Nikolai Volkoff pre-match.
13) Earthquake pre-match.
14) Jake “The Snake” Roberts pre-match.
15) Demolition post-match.
17) Mr. Fuji pre-match.
18) Mean Gene trying to talk to Sapphire.
19) Dusty Rhodes knocking on Sapphire’s door and then rushing to his match.
20) Randy Savage pre-match.
21) Ted Dibiase cutting a promo at Dusty while Dusty’s in a match.
22) Hulk Hogan and Big Boss Man pre-match.
23) Rick Rude pre-match.
24) Dusty Rhodes post-match.
25) Hulk Hogan post-match.
26) Earthquake post-match.
27) Ultimate Warrior pre-match.

Good fucking God! That’s an excessive amount of talking on a show where people paid to see fighting! The Sgt. Slaughter/Brother Love segment did make me understand the whole Iraqi sympathizer gimmick a little more. Basically, Hacksaw took in Volkoff and made him feel welcome as an American. Slaughter, being a heel and a fascist, felt that this is wrong because he’s nothing but a dirty pinko commie bastard and deserves to be snuffed out. That’s his main angle, but with the Middle East tensions, he plays up his gimmick by saying that the country doesn’t have the balls to go to war. Considering he’s so pro-war and the country goes to war, it really puts the company in a corner. I’m not saying it was good by any means, but at least I get why they went in that direction.

Also, here’s Anvil being a little too nutty.

The Matches

Our opener is the Rockers (Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty) vs. Power and Glory (Hercules and Paul Roma). In a real life tragedy that improves the match via creative booking, Shawn Michaels had been in a bad motorcycle accident and had a bum leg because of it. To go around that, Power and Glory (who get jobber entrances!) attack the Rockers pre-match and smash a chain into Michael’s leg. The entire match is Marty fighting both guys at the same time and failing. Every time Michaels climbs up the apron, he’d be knocked back down or hit in the knee. Jannetty shows a lot of gusto, including a spot where he appears to give an infinite amount of hiptosses, but Power and Glory end up murdering him and put him down with the Power Plex. Afterwards, they continue working on Michaels’ knee. Really good opener.

Mr. Perfect defends the Intercontinental Championship against “Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich. For the second year, Brutus Beefcake had been removed from his Intercontinental title match. Back in 88, it was due to an angle. This time it’s due to a real life parasailing accident that crushed his face to goo. At the last minute, they replace him with Tornado. This doesn’t get nearly as much time as it should because, well, it’s a Mr. Perfect match. His selling is off the charts. He flies around the ring like a balloon that’s been untied. I swear, when Tornado shoves him in the opening lockup, it’s like Perfect’s been sent to another time zone. Tornado gets his licks in, Perfect gets his licks in and when he turns his back, Tornado angrily walks forward. He gives Perfect a Slingshot into the corner post, holds him steady with the Von Erich Claw and punches him into oblivion with the Tornado Punch. Tornado gets the pin and a new champ is crowned. Mr. Perfect stands back up and then falls right out of the ring.

Sensational Queen Sherri vs. Sapphire is ready to start, but Sapphire isn’t showing up. They announce her a couple times, the ref makes a ten count and there’s still no sign. Sherri wins by forfeit. I have to note Sherri’s outfit. She would always wear ridiculous getups, but this show has her dressed up like an extra on Cats. Look at this shit.

Snarf, snarf.

The Warlord takes on Tito Santana. For such a short match, this one has a lot going for it. Great size vs. speed bout. Warlord tosses Tito around like he’s nothing and Tito responds with a series of dropkicks and the like until Warlord has to escape the ring. Warlord gets the advantage, misses a clothesline and Tito smashes him with the Flying Forearm. Warlord’s leg is on the rope, so the pin is a no-go. Tito’s momentum is cut off when he tries for a Monkey Flip and Warlord refuses to budge from the corner. He grabs the fallen Tito, gives him a running powerslam and it’s all over.

Demolition (Smash and Crush) defend the WWF Championship against the Hart Foundation (Bret “The Hitman” Hart and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart) in best two out of three. This is one of three matches on the show that breaks six minutes and considering it’s best two out of three, I’m not sure it even counts! Demolition has the ability to defend the belts in any combination they see fit and since they’re trying to phase out Ax, he gets stuck backstage. Maybe it’s because Crush is better than Ax or something, but this match is leaps and bounds better than their previous match at Summerslam 88. I’d even call it match of the night. Bret gets overpowered by both Demolition guys early on and only gets his licks in due to being a top-notch grappler. Anvil is tagged in, but gets taken down quickily. Bret gets back in there, kicks a lot of ass and when he tries pinning Smash for the second time, Crush legdrops him and the two keep Bret down with the Demolition Decapitation. That’s one point for Demolition.

The hot tag is made to Anvil, who cleans house. When he and Bret set up the Hart Attack, Crush grabs the referee and gets disqualified. It’s tied up. Ax sneaks over and hides under the ring. While the rest of the match is pretty even on both sides, Ax sneaks in and takes Smash’s place. Since he’s fresh, he has no problems beating the stuffing out of Bret and the ref doesn’t even notice he isn’t Smash. Crush comes in, hits his sweet backbreaker and Anvil breaks the tag. On the outside, Ax and Smash doubleteam on Bret until the Legion of Doom come out and get Ax out of there. Demolition set up another Decapitation, Anvil prevents it with a shoulder tackle to Smash and Bret rolls Crush up for the pin. The Hart Foundation has the belts.

Jake “The Snake” Roberts faces Bad News Brown with Big Boss Man as the referee. Why is he the ref? I’m not exactly sure, but here we go. To counter Jake’s snake Damien, Brown has a ghetto rat in a cage. They brawl to start it off and Brown immediately evades the early DDT attempt. Brown beats on Jake to the point that Jake is too hurt to stand up and get hit with the Ghetto Blaster, much to Brown’s frustration. He argues with Boss Man and Jake slips in another failed DDT attempt. On the outside, Brown uses a chair on Jake and gets yelled at by Boss Man. Jake angrily does a fingerless flip-off motion to goad Brown into beating him up even more. He eventually makes a mistake and Jake capitalizes with a knee to the face, a short-armed clothesline and yet another DDT attempt. Yet again, it fails and he gets backdropped. Brown uses the chair again and this time gets disqualified for it. He goes for a legdrop on Damien, but Boss Man saves the snake. Brown beats on Boss Man until Jake pulls Damien out of the bag and scares Brown away with it. Enjoyable match despite being one of the shortest on the card. Considering this is one of Brown’s last matches in the company, a clean ending couldn’t have hurt.

Time for some more tag action as the Orient Express (Tanaka and Sato) take on “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff. In a funny twist on Volkoff’s old heel gimmick, he and Hacksaw sing “God Bless America”, which gets a mixed reaction from the crowd. On commentary, Roddy Piper says, “Sounds like dinner was late at the dog pound.” The Express attack the two faces and are easily thwarted with dual Atomic Drops. Tanaka is useless against Volkoff and Sato doesn’t fair that much better, even when they’re double-teaming him. Volkoff easily fights them off and tags Hacksaw, who destroys the duo all by himself. Volkoff reenters and helps the squash while Hacksaw finishes off whichever Express member with the Three Point Stance. Yeah, this doesn’t even come close to being anything other than a quick and complete squash.

It’s a sad day when I call a Randy Savage match the worst match of the night, but “Macho King” Randy Savage vs. “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes gives me no choice, I’m afraid. At least Randy gets his badass king entrance on the carried throne. As mentioned earlier, Ted Dibiase comes out before the match can start to tell Dusty that he’s bought off Sapphire to prove that everybody has a price. Dusty runs towards the back, but gets attacked from behind. Dusty endures a top-rope axe-handle and a Sherri cheapshot, but fights back best he can. He seems too distracted and it hurts his game. At one point, he makes a go at catching Sherri, but Savage nails him in the head with Sherri’s loaded purse. Dusty gets pinned, then runs to the back to chase Dibiase’s limo. They both deserved better.

Our first main event has Hulk Hogan fight Earthquake. Hogan has Boss Man in his corner and Earthquake has Dino Bravo and Jimmy Hart in his. Earthquake grapples like a boss as a lockup leads to Hogan trying to shove Earthquake and the massive Canadian merely dusts himself off. Earthquake shoves Hogan around and even wins the war of shoulderblocks to the point that Hogan has to escape the ring. He gets back in and gets a couple suckerpunches in, but can’t bodyslam Earthquake. Earthquake runs headfirst into a boot and a flurry of punches wobble him. Hogan takes a second to hit Jimmy Hart and Dino Bravo before knocking Earthquake on his ass. Earthquake escapes for a sec, then next thing you know, he, Hogan, Boss Man and Dino are all in the ring, causing havoc. Hogan and Boss Man do a couple double boots, but then the ref yells at Boss Man to get out of the ring while the others do a double bodyslam on Hogan. Earthquake actually climbs the top rope and hits a clubbing blow to Hogan’s back. He keeps punishing him with Dino getting a bodyslam in on the outside. Earthquake puts Hogan in a bearhug, which Hogan escapes, though not before grabbing the ref’s shirt and tearing it.

Hogan lets loose with a barrage of shoulderblocks that wobble Earthquake, but a crossbody is countered into a powerslam. Earthquake puts his foot on Hogan’s chest, but Hogan kicks out. Earthquake hits two Earthquake Splashes and Hogan kicks out! He starts to Hulk Up and again stuns Earthquake with a boot. He bodyslams Earthquake and hits the legdrop. Dino distracts the ref, so there’s no count and Jimmy Hart attacks Hogan. That backfires and he gets his ass kicked. Boss Man gets his hands on Dino and Jimmy accidentally hits Earthquake with his megaphone. The two brawl to the outside where Hogan bodyslams Earthquake onto a table! If only they were smart enough to gimmick it to break in half, this match would be even better! Hogan rolls back in and wins the match via count out. Earthquake gets back in there and starts to hold Hogan up in the air while strangling him. Boss Man goes to save his buddy with a couple chairshots to Earthquake’s back, but he no-sells it all and keeps strangling away. Eventually, Earthquake lets go with huge red welts on his back and is told to leave by Jimmy when Boss Man brings out his nightstick. Piper bemoans the lack of a decisive winner and Hogan proceeds to pose longer in the ring than most of the matches of the show.

I dug this match. It’s rare to see Hogan win a match AND put the other guy over. Especially someone so new like Earthquake.

That leaves the other main event where the Ultimate Warrior defends the WWF Championship against “Ravishing” Rick Rude. Rather than walk into the cage, Warrior climbs and pulls at the cage until Rude calls at him to get in. They both brawl on the top of the cage until Rude falls off. Warrior follows up with a top-rope axe-handle. Warrior throws Rude into the cage repeatedly to the point that Rude is cut open early on. Warrior misses a crossbody and hits the cage, giving Rude an opening to climb out. Instead, he decides to give Warrior some of his own medicine by slamming him into the cage and works him over. He tries for the Rude Awakening, but Warrior is able to power out of it. Warrior puts Rude down on the mat and goes for a splash, but Rude’s knees go up to stop him. He gets the Rude Awakening, climbs the cage and then decides he’d rather hit Warrior with a chop off the top. Again, he can easily escape, but he does the same move over again. This time, Warrior punches him in the stomach. Warrior crawls towards the door and Heenan smashes it into his face. Heenan and Warrior play tug-of-war with Rude, which unfortunately leads to Warrior pulling down Rude’s pants. Warrior gets his hands on Heenan and beats him up, but Rude is able to attack him in the confusion. Warrior gets pumped up, clotheslines Rude, press slams him, then climbs out of the cage while Rude is too dazed to do anything about it.

It’s got your usual unbeatable super-face spots, but Rude is able to sculpt a match that makes him look really good. The fact that he COULD have won if not for his poor decisions makes it far better, in my opinion. Still, for the main event that took so long for them to set up the cage for, it is really far too short at only a mere ten minutes.

I guess all that talking was too important.


Date: August 15, 2010
Era: Cena Era
Location: Staples Center in Los Angelas, California
Known as: That one with John Cena and friends vs. the Nexus

“You’re either Nexus or you’re against us!” Eight contestants of WWE’s fake reality show became restless and started an army with the show’s winner Wade Barrett at the helm. Even when member Daniel Bryan disappeared due to showing remorse (AKA getting fired for going a bit too brutal with a tie), they had annihilated all in their path and left a shroud of fear over the locker room. Even John Cena had been rendered helpless again and again. Only an alliance of good guys, bad guys, a tall guy and an old guy can even the odds! Then Khali got put out of action via the Nexus. With that spot open, Money in the Bank winner the Miz told Team WWE that he’d think about it and get back to them on Sunday.

The Atmosphere

We begin with a really foreboding intro about the rising of the Nexus and how they bring change to the WWE. It’s pretty rad and gives us a bittersweet ending line of, “Oh, but what if they succeed? Oh, if they succeed…” Well, that sounds interesting, but I guess we’ll never know, will we? Backstage, Edge and Jericho try to butter up Miz to join their team, ending in Miz stealing Edge’s Slim Jim and saying he’d think about it. Later on, Miz comes to the ring to make a big deal about how everyone on Team WWE has been begging him to join (“John Cena said that I’m the only WWE Superstar that can see him!”) and decides that yes, he will be the savior.

Backstage, Kane gives one of his crazy-ass promos with a casket in the background until Sheamus walks over and asks if he can borrow the casket for his match with Orton. Kane seems to take a shining to Sheamus in the sense that he hates him, but won’t kill him. We also get stuck into watching a trailer for John Cena’s masterpiece Legendary.

One thing that can’t be understated is how badass the whole surfer/grindhouse style of the show is with a lot of the visuals coming off as either extremely colorful or something coming off of a dying film projector.

The Matches

Dolph Ziggler defends the Intercontinental Championship against Kofi Kingston, which is early in their feud of 200 matches or whatever they’re on now. Vickie Guerrero starts the show by screaming, “EXCUSE ME!” repeatedly at the crowd until Kofi’s entrance drowns her out. Kofi tears into Ziggler, stomping the hell out of him and throwing him from the ring. He dives out of the ring with Vickie pulling Ziggler out of the way at the last second. Ziggler dominates the match for a while until missing a corner splash. Kofi hits the Boom Drop, sets up the Trouble in Paradise and Ziggler evades it. We get a series of nearfalls, another whiffed Trouble in Paradise and a Ziggler sleeper hold. Right when it looks like it might be going somewhere, the Nexus storm the ring, throw Ziggler out, circle Kofi and then give him a gang beating. Wade treats the match as an afterthought and speaks about how it doesn’t matter who Team WWE’s seventh member is. Cena’s team will fail just the same.

Next is Alicia Fox defending the Diva’s Championship against Melina. Haha, this match. Begins with Melina doing this cool slide leg takedown thing, then doing a horizontal Tree of Woe variation while kneeing Fox in the ribs. Then during a move she lands on her leg wrong and hurts her knee. Fox takes advantage of this massive bullseye by WORKING ON MELINA’S ARM! Why? At this point, Melina even stops selling her knee. Melina wins with a weird cross between the Diamond Cutter and the Stroke. She gets all emotional about her win until LayCool, the joint WWE Woman’s Champions come out to make fun of her. She gets sick of them and fights them, only to get double-teamed.

So why is this forgettable, mediocre wrestling match so damn funny? Simple. Check out this clip from the first episode of Tough Enough.

It’s like telling Steven Spielberg that your favorite movie is Elektra.

The Big Show takes on the Straight Edge Society (CM Punk, Luke Gallows and Joey Mercury) in a Handicap Match. Punk, smarmy as ever, comes out with a shirt saying “I BROKE BIG SHOW’S HAND”. Show counters with his own smarm as he removes his cast to show that his big weakness is gone. First he disposes of Mercury, then Gallows and the SES sits back to assess the situation. They all team up on Big Show and he again tosses them out of the ring. For kicks, he pulls Mercury back in and throws him out again. He tries for one of his big “Shhh!” chest slaps on the outside, but misses it and slams his hand into the steps. The SES triple-team him and deliver all sorts of stomps, splashes and elbows. They keep clotheslining him in the corner until Punk runs into an elbow and Show goes on a rampage. Punk still lays into him with three jumping knees to the corner, followed by a double bulldog with Mercury helping him. Big Show kicks out, so Punk works on Show’s hand. Show’s comeback leads to him standing up with Punk on his shoulders and when another brawl commences, Punk falls out of the ring. Show punches out Gallows, chokeslams Mercury onto him and pins them while Punk escapes into the night. Pretty good, though it does make an entire stable look like a bunch of losers.

Only three matches in and already it’s time for the title matches. Sheamus defends the WWE Championship against Randy Orton. I love Sheamus, but I think the Nexus era really hurt him for a while. Instead of being Doomsday to Cena’s Superman and not giving a fuck about anything, he became a cowardly heel and lost what made him interesting. In the match, Sheamus shows off his power, leading to Orton snapping and punching the hell out of him. They brawl to the outside and Sheamus gets clotheslined over the barrier. The fight goes in and out of the ring and the tide turns when Sheamus reverses an Irish Whip and flings Orton into the steps. He rolls back in and fails to win by count out. Orton’s back in there, notices that Sheamus’ shoulder is bothering him and focuses on that. When he does his second-rope dangling DDT, Sheamus escapes and pulls him out of the ring. He repeatedly slams him into the barrier, then spends the next few minutes working him over. This isn’t easy to watch because Orton does a complete crap job of selling it.

They break into the “YAY!”/”BOO!” punches and Orton sets Sheamus up for the superplex. He hits it, but doesn’t get the pin. He clotheslines him, which is reversed into the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick and falls out of the ring. Orton finally hits his DDT, goes for an RKO and gets thrown off. Sheamus’ Celtic Cross is reversed into an RKO, which is reversed into a Brogue Kick and Orton kicks out. Sheamus grabs a chair and gets himself disqualified. Orton punches him in the nuts, RKOs him through a table and leaves disgruntled. There’s a big, “WE WANT MIZ!” chant, as Sheamus is easily prone against Miz if he wants the title shot, but as Miz explains in a later interview, he wants to focus on the main event, so that opportunity is given up. Strikingly average match, regardless.

Kane defends the World Heavyweight Championship against Rey Mysterio. Mysterio goes for the 619 early on and Kane dodges it. As per design, Rey uses his speed and brains to stay ahead of the game to the point that even when Kane tries a chokeslam, Rey is able to pull him so he goes over the top rope. The party’s over when Rey jumps off the top and gets smacked aside. Kane takes control until Rey gets his second wind. Another 619 attempt leads to Kane clotheslining him. With the wind knocked out of his sails, Rey finds himself near hopeless. Kane refuses to budge for his lucha attacks and punishes Rey for it. Another 619 is caught and Rey’s tossed into the casket that Kane’s decided to bring out to the ring for the hell of it. Rey won’t stop trying the 619 as once again it’s reversed, this time into a chokeslam. That chokeslam is turned into a 619 that finally hits. Kane sees the plancha splash follow-up coming, so he puts his knees up. Rey doesn’t fall for it and instead rolls him up for a pin. Kane kicks out, boots Rey, chokeslams him and gets the pin. Fun stuff.

Kane cuts a promo about how Rey is the one behind Undertaker being in a coma and opens the casket. Nothing is in there and the crowd groans in disappointment. Rey fights back against Kane, then endures two chokeslams and a Tombstone. Kane opens the casket again to find Undertaker sitting there. Undertaker sits up, enters the ring and appears rather sickly, noticeably coughing. He confronts Rey, who swears that he didn’t attack him and put him in a coma. Undertaker says he believes him, stands up, turns around and faces Kane. Kane at first seems a bit afraid, but overpowers his brother and puts him down with a chokeslam. Kane leaves the ring with the belt and his sense of dominance.

That leaves our main event. The Nexus enter the ring and one-by-one the different members of Team WWE come out. All but one. The Miz shows up, but it cut off by Cena. They didn’t want to bank on Miz joining the team, so they called up someone else to take his spot. Enter the return of Daniel Bryan, out to get revenge on the Nexus! Here we are with Team WWE (John Cena, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Edge, Chris Jericho, John Morrison, R-Truth and Daniel Bryan) vs. the Nexus (Wade Barrett, Skip Sheffield, Darren Young, David Otunga, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater and Michael Tarver). Team WWE rushes in and everyone in Nexus is tossed out. Commentator Matt Striker is marking like crazy. Daniel Bryan, who is over as hell and is getting crowd chants, kicks the hell out of Darren Young and makes him tap out to the Lebell Lock in under a minute. Then it becomes Jericho vs. Gabriel and the crowd is completely hot for it. A couple tags later, we have John Morrison pinning Michael Tarver after Starship Pain. Within minutes, it’s 7-on-5.

The Nexus strategizes for a moment and the team’s power, Skip, enters the fray. He overpowers Morrison, gets slapped in the face and then goes on a rampage. There’s a big “WE WANT BRET!” chant, but that isn’t much help towards Morrison. He starts to mount a comeback, gets a kick to the back via Gabriel, eats a Skip lariat and is pinned. Immediately after, R-Truth tries for a Scissor Kick, misses and also endures the lariat. In mere seconds, Skip Sheffield’s evened the score. Jericho doesn’t do much better, but at least Skip tags out to Barrett, who works on Jericho and tags in Otunga. Jericho eventually gets the hot tag to Bret just as Otunga tags in Slater. Slater shows his worth by selling like crazy for everything Bret does. Considering Bret is legitimately unable to take a bump due to possibility of dying, his role in the match is a major elephant in the room. He’s able to pull off the offense, but how is he going to leave the match, if at all? He puts Slater in the Sharpshooter and Heath is able to tag in Skip. As this happens, Barrett slides in a chair. Bret ends up using that chair on Skip, which gets him disqualified. Okay, I can accept that. While Skip is stunned, Jericho hits the Codebreaker and Edge follows with a Spear, finally putting the big man down. Now it’s 4-on-4.

Edge vs. Gabriel is one of the better match-ups of this main event and it leads to Edge vs. Barrett, followed by Edge vs. Otunga. Otunga tries for his finisher the Verdict, but Edge turns it into an Impaler DDT. Jericho is tagged in and hits the Lionsault, causing the fans to go completely nuts. He puts Otunga in the Walls of Jericho and makes him tap. Then he knocks Heath Slater off the apron. He proceeds to kick the guy’s ass while the crowd chants “Y2J!” and for this brief moment, Jericho actually smiles to the crowd. He gets knocked into Cena, which opens him up for Slater’s finisher the Sweetness. Jericho is pinned and Edge doesn’t seem pleased. He and Cena argue over which one is going to face Slater and Cena backs down. Slater immediately rolls up Edge and pins him. Edge angrily Spears Cena off the apron and Jericho kicks him for screwing things up for them. Cena’s badly hurt and it’s 2-on-3.

Cena’s thrown back into the ring and Barrett works him over. At first we get chants for Bryan, but it then turns into the dueling Cena chants. Cena and Slater clothesline each other, Cena crawls over and Bryan gets another shot at the Nexus. The next couple minutes is Bryan bringing out all his WWE trademark moves against Slater, including a dive to the outside and a dropkick off the top with huge hang time. He dropkicks Barrett and Gabriel off the apron, kicks at Slater, gets rolled up for the pin and reverses the pin into the Lebell Lock. Slater taps, evening it to 2-on-2. As Bryan waits for the next opponent, Miz runs into the ring and slams his briefcase into the back of Bryan’s head. Barrett makes the easy pin and we’re down to one member of Team WWE. Cena takes a beating and has a major comeback, but when he tries to give Gabriel the Attitude Adjustment, Gabriel tags out to Barrett and Cena gets kicked down. Barrett then boots Cena out of the ring.

I’m going to tell you right now, at this point, the match has a perfect score. It’s been amazing in both ringwork and especially booking. I’m open to the idea of Cena winning somehow as long as it’s done well. After all, it’s his show. I just hate what follows. See, they’re desperately running short on time and they need to wrap things up. That means we get the worst endings to an otherwise fantastic match. Barrett gives Cena a DDT on the concrete. They throw him back into the ring and Gabriel goes for the 450 Splash. Cena dodges it and pins him. Then Barrett walks in, barely touches Cena and gets pulled into the STF. Barrett taps and Cena gets up as if nothing was ever wrong. Jesus Christ, what a misstep.

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2 comments to “The Summerslam Countdown: Day Five”

  1. “hey break into the “YAY!”/”BOO!” punches”

    I’m sorry, but I’m such a huge mark for this shit. It’s like the perfect encapsulation of this entire professional wrestling thing; two guys slugging it out as the audience cheers and jeers around it.

  2. but but but…what happened to Tugboat he was on the poster and everything?? :frown: