Tuesday gave us the long-awaited videogame sequel Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds and you bet your ass I picked it up. Not only that, but I picked up the special edition. In addition to the game, the package includes a tin case, free access to the downloadable characters Jill Valentine and Shuma Gorath, free Marvel Unlimited for a month and a booklet that features lots of sweet art and a prologue comic.
Now, I know what a lot of you are saying.
“Who gives a shit about a fighting game’s story, let alone a stupid crossover story like this?”
Me. That’s who. I love fighting game storylines… at least until the 4th or 5th game when they run out of ideas and go through the motions. I love cheesy crossovers. I guess I just love plots where the basic idea is, “Here are a bunch of interesting individuals out to beat each other up. There can be only one winner. Who’s it going to be?” I guess this is part of why I love the Royal Rumble so much.
I was going to scan the 12-page Frank Tieri/Kevin Sharpe comic, but that would be too easy. I thought it would be better for everyone to simply transcribe it for all of you who picked up the regular copy of the game. So it back and enjoy Fate of Two Worlds.
Jill Valentine: Wesker has to be here somewhere. Boy, we really have our work cut out for us.
Chris Redfield: You said it. All sorts of zombie types here. Oh, crap! It’s an Executioner boss!
Jill: We don’t have enough ammo for this!
Chris: Why the hell not?! We haven’t shot our guns once yet! We’ve just pointed our guns at zombies and acted like it was good enough! But you’re right about us being screwed. We’re going to need a miracle here.
(a green hand appears through a portal, grabs the Executioner by the hood and slams his face into the wall repeatedly)
Hulk: HULK SMASH ENDBOSS!
Jill: That green monster just saved us.
Chris: You’re right. LET’S GET HIM!
(From days earlier at Dr. Doom’s castle where Albert Wesker appears via monitor)
Wesker: Listen, guys. I have this awesome idea for us to rule our two worlds that I choose not to tell the readers any details of and you guys are being dicks by not magically creating a way to enter my world. What’s the hold up here?!
Doom: Silence. At least we’ve been able to put an alliance together. You’re just sitting in your lab all alone like you probably did prom night.
MODOK: Yeah! Nobody likes you, Wesker!
Wesker: Shut up! It’s not my fault! My world doesn’t have any good villains. I mean, yeah, there’s Dr. Wily and M. Bison, but they aren’t even in this stupid game. I guess I could ask Akuma if he wants in on this, but he’s more of a disgruntled loner than a megalomaniac…
(Taskmaster raises his hand)
Taskmaster: WHOA! Hold up a sec!
Wesker: Yes, you, the skull-faced one in the back.
Taskmaster: Are we to understand that all of Capcom is one world? Street Fighter, Resident Evil, Darkstalkers, Devil May Cry and so on?
Wesker: Uh huh.
Taskmaster: And this includes a knight from medieval times, a robot inventor from the future and an android from a hundred years further into the future?!
Wesker: Yes, and your world has Captain America, Bishop and Cable.
Magneto: He has a point.
Taskmaster: Question retracted. Though I got a question for you, Doom!
(Doom shakes his fist in anger)
Doom: You dare question Doom?!
(Doom calmly puts his hands behind his back)
Doom: What’s on your mind?
Taskmaster: So you’ve put together this big supervillain team-up – might I add WITHOUT Namor – and you’ve invited me. Didn’t you get all pissy ’cause I was in Osborn’s Cabal? You put me in the freakin’ hospital!
Doom: Yes, well—
MODOK: Now that I think of it, didn’t you betray my team of super-smart evil geniuses a while back?
Doom: The difference here is—
Magneto: In addition, I once came here and suggested an alliance to rule the world and you both refused me AND used mind-control gas on me. Then I hear your adopted son once suggested we team up and you scolded him! Explain yourself!
Doom: That was a robot, okay?! Yes… A robot. You buy that, correct? For this team, I’m stealing a page from the criminal organization the Pride, who represented all the different corners of supervillainy. Magneto represents the evil mutants. Taskmaster represents the criminal underworld. MODOK represents dark science. Dormammu (who I have sent out for pizza, explaining why he isn’t in this scene) represents black magic. And Super-Skrull represents… space. Hm, not sure I thought that one out too well.
Magneto: I have to agree. If this is about ruling two Earths, why do we want aliens involved?
Doom: Super-Skrull? Anything you want to say in your defense?
Super-Skrull: You know who sucks? Reed Richards.
(Doom and Super-Skrull high-five)
Doom: Then it’s settled. Super-Skrull stays.
Wesker: Now about the portals…?
MODOK: It’s a power issue. Portal machines take a lot of juice and AIM doesn’t have those resources.
Taskmaster: Way to go, Big Giant Head. You wouldn’t have this problem if you invested in solar energy like Al Gore suggested.
MODOK: Shut your bony mouth or I’ll shut it myself with my superior mind!
Super-Skrull: Guys? If I may? You know how Dr. Doom is stealing his internet connection from Symkaria without Silver Sable knowing about it?
Doom: Ah, yes. Many torrents have been added to Doom’s collection thanks to that plot. The adventures of Don Draper are now in the palm of Doom’s very hand.
Super-Skrull: Uh, right. What if we tried doing that with a major power source? Like, say, Galactus’ space ship?
MODOK: Hm… steal power from Galactus’ space ship. That’s not a bad plan.
Magneto: I do not see how anything bad can happen from that. I’m sorry I ever doubted your worth, Super-Skrull.
Wesker: This Galactus sounds like bad news. Is there any chance this can backfire?
Doom: Bah! You’re being paranoid. This is fool proof! …What is taking Dormammu so long with that blasted pizza?
Taskmaster: This is pretty great. I can’t wait to tell my wife about this scheme in every miniscule detail.
MODOK: Excuse me?
Taskmaster: I said I can’t wait to relay this plan to the Org… who I work for.
MODOK: I’m fairly certain you said your wife.
Taskmaster: Wife? Ha. I’m not married.
Magneto: You did say “wife”.
(after blinking for a moment, Taskmaster holds the sides of his head)
Taskmaster: WHO AM I?! WHAT IS THIS PLACE?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!
(Taskmaster dives headfirst through the window, lands on his feet and takes off running)
Magneto: I told you we were better off with Mr. Fish.
(Crowded rooftop in New York City)
Chris: I’ll teach you to invade our world and save my life! And I’ll do so by pointing my gun at you and not pulling the trigger at any point!
Hulk: Hulk not understand how we get from creepy lab to sunny rooftop.
Chris: Shut up! That’s why!
Deadpool: You, the guy in red! I’ve never seen you before in my life. Ergo, you must be an invader from another world! DIE!
Dante: I’m no invader, which mean you are the one who is an invader!
Wolverine: Stop invading us, bub!
Ryu: Wait, why are we acting like this is the first time we met? This is Marvel vs. Capcom THREE, for crying out loud. Logan, we’ve met each other four times already! Remember? The thing with Apocalypse? The second thing with Apocalypse? That time Venom and Mega Man killed Onslaught? The talking cactus?
Wolverine: No idea what you’re talking about.
Ryu: Whatever. I’m fighting someone. That’s all I need.
Deadpool: Where you from, pretty boy? Planet of the Fabios? (Note: this is an actual line of dialogue)
Dante: Hold the phone. You guys have Fabio on your planet too? That means that at least two Fabios exist. That’s kinda funny when you think about it.
Deadpool: Hey, speaking of funny, I’m supposed to be the big humor character here but not a single thing I have ever said or done is nearly as hilarious as you crying, “I should’ve been the one to fill your dark soul WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” What a wiener!
Dante: SHUT! UP!
Ryu: I think we’ve made our point. We’re good guys fighting out of confusion so we can team up later.
Dante: We’re not all good guys. That sexy bat lady fighting the dude in armor seduces men and enslaves their souls.
Deadpool: What a coincidence. The dude in armor fighting the sexy bat lady seduces women and enslaves their souls. He’s also a Nazi if the internet is to be believed.
Ryu: My point is that the fighting has gone long enough. Shouldn’t we figure out who the real evil behind all this is?
Wolverine: Never mind that shit! Here comes Mong—I mean, Galactus!
(Galactus steps out of his giant space ship. Chris angrily points his gun at him)
Galactus: WHICH ONE OF YOU JERKS HAS BEEN RACKING UP THE ENERGY BILL OF GALACTUS?
(Deadpool and Dante point at each other)
Deadpool and Dante: It was him!
Morrigan: He seems like trouble. I think we should put our differences aside and fight him together as one.
Iron Man: Really. That’s your plan?
Morrigan: What can I say? I love a good gang bang.
Iron Man: That plan will nev— …okay, wow. That plan will never work. What we need to do is split into teams of three, beat each other up and then – and only then – fight Galactus to save our two worlds!
Ryu: SHOT SENTINEL AND STORM!
Wolverine: SHOT SENT—crap.
Deadpool: Now’s not the time, but I’d like to think that somewhere, Dan Hibiki and D-Man are out there kicking it together.
Dante: Probably getting kicked out of an Arby’s.
Deadpool: That sounds very likely. SHOT MAGNETO ON MY TEAM!
Wolverine: SHOT MAGN—crap.
Hulk: HULK STILL NOT UNDERSTAND WHY HE ON ROOFTOP ALL OF THE SUDDEN!