This has been a rather bad week for me, especially on the writing front. I haven’t been able to post much due to a variety of things, but one of them is that I’m writing like 50 projects at once. A new Deadshot’s Tophat installment, a thing on Booster Gold, a thing on Two-Face, a new Ruin the Moment compilation, another compilation of CHIKARA covers based on comics, something on Dark Knight and a bunch of other things I won’t mention in fear of being incriminated when I don’t get around to finishing them.

When my indecision was driving me absolutely cross-eyed, CHIKARA’s own Tim Donst showed up to slap some sense into me. He was interested in an interview. God bless him.

Now, you may be saying, “Say, didn’t you interview Tim Donst already?” Well, yes and no. Months back, I tried, but young Timothy was in a rather unique situation. Due to a knock on the head and some brainwashing, Tim had become a member of UltraMantis Black’s sinister group, the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple. That worked out in regards to how the abbreviation “ONST” makes up most of his name, but it kind of soured my interview. Rather than getting any real answers, I just had UltraMantis Black answering on Tim’s behalf. The scoundrel.

Ah! But it was merely a ruse. Tim Donst wasn’t brainwashed after all. He was just a spy, working to gain UltraMantis’ trust and exploit it for information. With his work done, he escaped the Order’s clutches unscathed and went back to his patriotic and wholesome ways.

Only, while a member of the Order, Tim struck up a bizarre friendship with Hydra, the Starscream/Beast Man to UltraMantis’ Megatron/Skeletor. The two of them acquired the three consecutive wins necessary to garner a title shot against the tag champs. But after the truth about Tim’s behavior was revealed, UltraMantis was less than pleased.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long for Hydra to turn against UltraMantis and form a level of BFFitude between an American icon and a sea creature unseen since Captain America and Namor! In fact, all we need is Fire Ant and we have the CHIKARA version of the Invaders!

On to the interview!

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Can you tell us some background on your amateur wrestling upbringing? What happened for you to make the transition towards professional wrestling?

– In amateur wrestling I won 2nd place in districts, 3rd in regionals and was Captain my senior year of high school. When my schedule permits it I still wrestle for East Stroudsburg University.

While Kurt Angle inspired me to begin wrestling in Jr. High, a school assembly gone horribly wrong set me towards the path of becoming a professional grappler. I was participating in a 1-on-1 wrestling exhibition to help attract students to joining the squad. About halfway through the routine, my entire 8th grade class began yelling, “this is boring,” not exactly any wrestler, pro or amateur’s, favorite chant. As to avoid being the laughing stock of the entire school, my buddy and I began executing every pro wrestling maneuver we knew, which of course only consisted of Rock Bottoms, F-5’s and Stone Cold Stunners. (What an amazing move set that would be huh?)

Quickly, the audience got super into it and I was popular for like an entire week (being replaced by Christian Seebode who claimed to be related to Hanson). The coach was happy too as we doubled our wrestling team. That is until the first wrestling practice when all the new kids quit after realizing there would be no sunset flips or Swanton bombs being taught. But at least I learned how to work a crowd, and more importantly, what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

According to UltraMantis in that last interview, you don’t know what a comic book is, but that guy’s a dirty, shoe-less liar. What have you been reading?

– I don’t usually have the time to read books but I keep up-to-date on the comic world through all the CHIKARA guys. I did just finish The Dark Knight returns finally and am a huge fan of Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead. My favorites though are Superman, Captain America, Spider-Man and Wolverine. That’s why I got such a kick out of replacing him on CHIKARA’s “Bruised” cover.

What comics does Hydra… wait. Can Hydra even read?

– I don’t believe so. But he does enjoy the pictures in Aquaman and Archie.

Who doesn’t?! Outside of CHIKARA, what else do you have going for you?

– I won the EPIC WAR championship a few months back, and the other day I was lucky enough to defend (and retain) against the likes of Ryan Drago and TNA star Jimmy Rave. Drago’s a tough guy all on his own but it was an absolute honor wrestling someone I respect as much as Jimmy Rave.

Let’s talk about the infamous Eddie Kingston match from last year. Just how badly did he mess you up? Reader Ditch wants to know what was the most painful part of it, other than the head bouncing off the floor bit? Was it worth it? Are you sick of people asking about it? Will Batman get out of this one?

– For the longest time I thought I’d been knocked out by hitting my head against the floor. However after watching the tape, it’s pretty clear I’m in Lala Land after the spinning backfist. The move caused me the inability to drive for the night, I couldn’t sleep for days and a scary migraine would return whenever I lifted weights. I thought for sure that my short lived career was over. Luckily, it was not and after hearing the warm reception of Wallingford, it was well worth it and a moment I will never, ever forget. It was tough not being able to tell the CT crowd thank you for their support when we returned because I had “amnesia”. But I’d like to show them next time how much it meant to me. And I’m sure Adam West would have an anti-backfist spray well prepared.

Ever since hanging with you, Hydra’s success has gone through the roof. At this rate, he might even win a singles match! What do you associate this to?

– I’ve never been great at science but I’m pretty sure you’d call it chemistry. I know what he’s thinking 24/7, which is great when were in a match, but not so great when he’s day-dreaming about… never mind.

What’s your reaction to the numerous claims that you are a “home wrecker” for your role in splitting up Ultra Mantis and Hydra?

– Do you have any idea what sleepovers are like at Ultramantis Blacks’ lair? Let me tell you. There’s no pizza, no movies, and not even an ounce of gossip. Just vegan treats, the Home Shopping Network and the discussion of world domination. As far as I could tell, Hydra wanted more for himself. Heck, I even wanted more for him. So why don’t you ask Hydra who the bad guy is. The dude that never bothered to take him to Sea World or the guy who introduced him to apple pie a la mode?

I… I can’t ask him. He doesn’t talk.

MidnightMayor wants to know: are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party? Barring that, have you ever suplexed a member of the Communist party?

– I would like to make Red Skull sign the Donstition. But I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to as I have never, nor will ever join a Communist party. Though Moscow the Communist Bovine did invite me to a barbecue after our double ankle lock at Maximum Overdraft.

We can talk about the actual election, but that’s boring. So instead, who would you rather vote for as our president: Steve “Turtle” Weiner or Jervis Cottonbelly?

– Turtle Power!

Some of the Marvel heroes figured that rather than killing him, the best way to deal with the Hulk would be to send him off into space to fend for himself. Who on the CHIKARA roster would you like to see get the same treatment? It’s up to you. There is no correct answer. (Hint: The correct answer is still Vin Gerard.)

– As much as I’d like to see Vin Gerald blasted into space, he’s currently holding the Young Lions Cup. Once I get the opportunity to defeat him for it, sure, blast away but until then how about someone like DJ Skittles? So on the way up he can finally taste the rainbow.

You and your grunting muscle-monster partner have acquired a title shot against CHIKARA’s tag champs, Incoherence. Now, having Hydra as your partner here is a double-edged sword. On one hand, he has more experience wrestling both of those masked nutjobs than you. On the other hand, those weren’t very triumphant experiences. What’s your game plan?

You may remember last time I wrestled in Reading at Battle For Who Could Care Less, I won the main event alongside Incoherence. As much as I respect those guys, there’s no way we can both win this time around. So I play on pinning them once. Then again. With the help of some air guitar of course.

There’s nothing that air guitar doesn’t help. Except boredom.

With your first complete year in the wrestling world under your belt as of a few months ago, how do you feel about the future in your career?

– I feel great. I’m the current EPIC WAR champion which means as long as I can hold onto it, I’ll have the biggest matches of my career coming up. I could very well become the tag holders in a few weeks for my home promotion. And I’m starting to get a lot more offense in, which means I’m getting beat up less. All is right in the world.

Usually this is the point of the interview where I goad you into leaving the interview in an act of anger. We’ll skip it this time because I like the cut of your jib. So instead, can you say something patriotic and/or inspiring for our readers?

– Don’t be content with where you are in life. You gotta keep improving yourself and your environment. Keep pushing yourself forward. Life’s like a treadmill. If you’re not running forward, you’re going backwards.

If not for yourself, for America.

Well said. Thanks again to Tim Donst for his time and the gift of closure.

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Posted in 4thletter exclusives, Chikara, Wrestlecomics by Gavok |