Wrestlecomics Interview: Plagued by the Osirian Portal!

February 20th, 2008 by | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Next Friday I’m going to be taking a 3-day trip to Philly for CHIKARA’s King of Trios tournament. This thing is going to be crazy epic as over these days they are going to hold a tournament of 28 teams of 3. That’s 84 guys in there!

Other than the CHIKARA mainstays, teams are coming in from other independent wrestling feds and several other countries. It even has some stranger attractions like a team of Kaiju Big Battel monsters and a team made up of 80’s legends Demolition Ax, Demolition Smash and the One Man Gang.

I figured this was as good an excuse as any to get another CHIKARA interview down. This time I chose to interview the Osirian Portal, a tag team made up of the insidious human cobra Ophidian and the cold dancing machine Amasis.

The Bangles used to have nightmares that looked like this.

Ophidian debuted back in July at Showdown in Crisisland. After a couple weeks of build-up, he made his first appearance by taking on fan-favorite Player Uno. Showing off his viperlicious attack style and slithering to and from the ring rather than actually walking, Ophidian got everyone’s attention by knocking out Player Uno with a Cobra Clutch combined with leg scissors.

In September, at the show called Cibernetico and Robin, he was joined by Amasis, the Funky Pharaoh. As the Osirian Portal, they won their initial match against veterans Jigsaw and Shane Storm. Despite Amasis’ mastery of mixing wrestling with dancing, he still comes off as annoyed and with little patience when it comes to the CHIKARA crowds.

As it turns out, these guys don’t actually read comics. Well, not anymore at least. When Amasis wasn’t looking, Ophidian slipped me a note talking about how “Sssssspawn” is still the greatest superhero ever. Man, these guys really are evil. Nonetheless, I couldn’t pass the chance of interviewing two grown men dressed as up like Egyptian supervillains.

I’ve had the honor of watching both of your debut matches in CHIKARA, but because of your newness in the wrestling world and your notable lack of promo time, I and all the other fans don’t know all that much about you and your backgrounds. What exactly are the origins of the Osirian Portal?

Amasis: That’s a great question. We hail from the last great Egyptian Empire, The 26th Dynasty of Egypt. Our God Osiris has granted us passage through his mighty portal to come and wrestle in your time.

Ophidian: Hail Osssirisss!

Of course, you two are known for being on the CHIKARA roster, but where else could a wrestling fan check you guys out?

Amasis: There are many lands far and wide the portal has placed us. You can be a spectator of one of our battles on the grounds of Force One Pro, Maximum Championship Wrestling, and DTW along with CHIKARA.

Ophidian: The wrestling world does not sleep and neither do we.

Amasis: Also, you can be a spectator at the King Of Trios Tournament at the New Alhambra Arena. All should be there. After all, this is the last time a King of Trios shall be taking place. Next year it shall be named after us in honor of the Osirian Portals victory.

Fun fact: This is what the Osirian Portal looks like through the eyes of Player Uno.

So… this is a comic site after all. Either of you two dabble with that at all?

Amasis: What are these comics that you speak off? Whatever they are, it mustn’t contain any importance. We do not know what they are. Besides, we are too busy conquering the lands in Osiris’ name.

Not to create any dissention or tension but who would win in a fight: Serpentor from GI Joe or Mum-Ra from Thundercats?

Amasis: Ha! That’s an easy question. The training Mum-Ra received was the same training I received from Osiris to prepare for our reigns over Egypt. That reason alone makes him a much better warrior than Serpentor.

Ophidian: Liesss! Ssserpentor would sssqueeze the life out of Mum-Ra.

Amasis: Ophidian, watch your tongue. Speaking such blasphemy will anger our God.

Photos by Lyle Williams.

There are some rather odd pictures of you two going around Penn State and antagonizing the students prior to a show. What was the experience like from your end?

Amasis: After speaking with the students of The Penn State, I have come to realize this civilization is far more inferior than that of a pack of camels. What you call a system of education was wretched. Where were the hieroglyphic inscriptions on the walls? What about the shrines of the gods that paved the way of your civilization? You feeble minded people lack the divinity that the Egyptians will always be remembered for.

Not seen: Ophidian heard this was a blind date, so he hacked venom into that poor girl’s eyes.

In your short careers, what matches are you most proud of so far?

Amasis: Through our many travels in and out of the portal, we have come across many great warriors. One of our greatest accomplishments have been dismembering the team of ShaneSaw at Cibernetico and Robin.

Ophidian: Cheech and Cloudy were grueling opponentsss.

Amasis: That they were. You cannot forget about the way we annihilated Lince and Pantera. The way we conquered them was legendary.

Coming up at the end of the month is CHIKARA’s fantastical celebration known to all the cool kids as King of Trios 2008. You two are going to be teaming up with the infamous Mecha Mummy. What can you tell us about your newfound partner? Are you two going to be able to see eye-to-eye with this wrapped-up wildcard?

Amasis: Do you doubt the power that lies with in me? I’ll let you in on a secret. After many hours of worship, Anubis has granted us ability to control those who have been mummified. So seeing eye to eye with Mecha Mummy will not be a problem.

A more important question. Amasis, do you think you can teach Mecha Mummy to dance?

Amasis: Are you questioning my power of dance? If I can make that flea-bitten Lince dance, then making a robot mummy dance wouldn’t pose as a problem.

Ophidian: Yesss!

Who out there in the wrestling world would the Osirian Portal wish to wrestle one day?

Ophidian: The Freebirdsss! I hate winged beassst with frizzy hair.

Amasis: Me too, Ophidian! The rockers are another tandem who I would love to obliterate in the name of Osiris. I hate that rubbish your people call rock ‘n’ roll music.

The X-Men have this villain Apocalypse, who’s a big Egyptian mutant with the powers of immortality, making himself giant and having control over his cells so he can turn his arms into weapons and stuff. He keeps trying to conquer the world by having the strong destroy the weak, but he always fails. You guys are evil Egyptians in funny costumes. What kind of advice would you give him?

Amasis: I would tell him to get a giant snake and hypnotize his opponents. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Work of art created by Marco D’Alfonso.

Man, how awesome is Tim Donst? Seriously, that dude freaking rules!

Amasis: Lets just say he’s no pharaoh or cobra. I’ll ask you a question. Does Tim Donst have his own pyramid with matching sphinx and faithful slaves?

Ophidian: *hisses*

Amasis: I think not!

Actually, I’m pretty sure he owns his own personal Mount Rushmore and that’s sort of the same thing, right? Moving on…

Working for CHIKARA, that puts you under use of CHIKARA’s legendary commissioner Bob Saget. How does Osiris feel about Full House, anyway?

Amasis: Osiris loves Bob Saget and Full House. It’s his favorite Nick at Nite program next to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Just like Osiris is the God of Egypt, Bob Saget is the God of late night laughter. CAN YOU DIG IT?!?!

Two more questions. First, what would be a question I could ask you that would get you so offended and angry that you would end this interview in a… Hey, wait. What… what are you doing? Get off me! Ow! My favorite jaw! HEY! OW! No, wait! STOP! AAAH! I THINK YOU JUST BROKE MY–OW! PUT ME DOWN! I PROMISE I WON’T–! ACK…!

(Unrelated beatdown)

Thanks to Ophidian and Amasis for taking the time for this interview and, um, dropping me off within a half mile from a decent enough hospital.

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5 comments to “Wrestlecomics Interview: Plagued by the Osirian Portal!”

  1. I seriously coughed up my drink when I saw your “through the eyes of Player Uno” gag.

    Great interview, G.

  2. Great interview. The Osirian Portal need more promo time 🙂

  3. Once Again you’ve outdone yourself…

    if you haven’t picked “Best Of CHIKARA” DVD……PLEASE PICK IT UP!!!

    again great interview!!

  4. Awesome CHIKoverage as always. But where’s the DVD cover comparison of Flash #123 with the recent 2004 reissues so Dan can steal it for his site?

  5. […] up with Amasis, who I just interviewed a short while back. I had a picture taken with Ophidian, but whoever took the picture decided to […]