As if you didn’t know, 2007 is over and done with. It’s a new year and a time to access the future. It’s time to come up with goals and hopes for 2008 and to plan for the next 365 days. Here are my New Years Resolutions:

– I resolve to finally write that series of articles about Venom’s bizarre history as a comic character, featuring such things as Venom and Carnage fighting inside the internet and the guest appearance of cyber-ninja Mace, the most forgettable shoe-horned superhero I’ve ever seen. Okay, I remember him, but that’s not my point.

– I resolve to lose about 20 more pounds. Funny thing, back before I decided to go on a diet months ago, I was going to start a ridiculous internet campaign for me to play the part of Seymour from the very end of Watchmen. So when you do watch that movie in theaters and you see that chubby guy reaching for a journal, remember to reflect on what could have been. I know I will…

– I resolve to continue to get on Wanderer’s case for never writing anything for the site. Then I’ll get depressed when I remember that he has about 29 legitimate writing jobs and I just work retail.

– I resolve to read and review every single comic starring Mr. T.

– I resolve to set aside at least a minute every day to roll my eyes at this Spider-Man: Brand New Day crap.

– I resolve to finally get going on my own comic book concept so that in a couple years, I can read it and make fun of it on this very site.

– I resolve to not fight the Monarch because I hear from a good source that he is badass.

– I resolve to lead my team to victory in the 8th Annual 4th Letter vs. Funnybook Babylon Charity Volleyball Game.

– I resolve to receive a restraining order from one Matt Fraction.

– I resolve to discover the storage freezer where writer Len Kaminski is kept. Really, that guy was totally awesome back in the day and he’s completely vanished from the face of the Earth. What the hell happened to him?!

– I resolve to make more jokes about how much Wyatt Wingfoot sucks. More like “WyamIreadingabout Wingfoot?” am I right?

– I resolve to get around to reading Sentences by MF Grimm so I can show hermanos that I’m, uh, down.

– I resolve to finally review what I consider to be the all-time worst comic book issue of all time. It may kill me, but I’ll do it.

Have a happy new year, people.

Hey, did you hear? Monarch is badass.

Over the past month, DC has been releasing Countdown: Arena. In it, Monarch has been planning for his war against the Monitors. Why is he at war against the Monitors?

Read the rest of this entry �

-The Birds of Prey, and specifically Misfit, pretty much murder a few hundred people in Metropolis and the only punishment they get is a stern talking to by Superman? Whaaat?

Do you know what happens if I am playing with a gun and I shoot someone in the face? Prison.

What happened to Sean McKeever? His DC work has been mediocre at best and this issue of BoP made them crazy unlikeable.

“He doesn’t know. He wasn’t there.” Psh, Misfit pressed a button and killed a few hundred people. What’s to know, other than “Don’t press buttons in giant murder machines?”

-Is it just me, or was Ultimate Spider-Man 117 the best issue of the series yet? It hit on basically every single point. Wow. The last few pages were spot on characterization and really very touching.

Between this, the past couple arcs of New Avengers, and the Tony Stark scene in the latest Mighty Avengers, Bendis is back to hitting on all cylinders.

-On the same note– I liked the end of OMD, but I don’t have time to get into the whys and wherefores of it right now. I don’t like that the marriage is gone and the execution thereof, but honestly Spider-Man has been in a rut for a good while now and this seems like a proper shot in the arm.

I love love love that they gave back exactly what Spidey has always needed: a supporting cast. For the past few years he has had MJ, Aunt May, and his own guilt for a supporting cast. Now? Now he’s got his best friend back.

I can get behind that.

And honestly, I kind of feel like Joe Q has the biggest nuts in the world now.

-We’re gonna get 36 (at least, I’m not sure how they’re handling five week months) issues of ASM in 2008. That makes ASM 600 arriving in 2009. Boy oh boy, I wonder what’s going to happen in that issue…

-Brubaker’s Captain America and Ennis’s Punisher are still pretty much reviewproof. The quality has kept up, the action keeps escalating, and you can’t really say much beyond “Yep. Still great.”

-That BoP story is so stupid, seriously.

-Resurrection of R’as al Ghul was terrible. What a bad ending. “Welp, he’s back, banned from Nanda Parbat, and WHOOPS HE ESCAPED AGAIN oh and he had a son and a father”

-Morrison’s first issue of Batman, post RoRaG? Wonderful. It finally feels like his run is coming together.

-I kind of feel like Redman’s Red Gone Wild was overlooked this year. Reggie Noble is back to being dope again.

-There is a Whole Foods down on Haight with an homage/reinterpretation of the cover of Intimates #3 painted on the metal grate that comes down when it’s closed. Awesome.

Despite being a millionaire who knows 4,103 ways to kill a man, I feel sorry for Iron Fist around this time of year. Think about it. His partner Luke Cage probably has a stocking the size of a horse’s head. But what about Danny? How many gifts can you possibly fit in a tiny, little, yellow ballet slipper? You can try to prop up a candy cane or two, but they’ll probably fall out of it by morning. And candy canes aren’t even all that good.

To add to the Heroes for Hire/Christmas humor, try to imagine Cage and Iron Fist singing We’re a Couple of Misfits from Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.

“We’re a couple of misfits!
We’re a couple of misfits!
What’s the matter with misfits?
That’s where we fit in!”

“So why are you a misfit again, Danny?”

“Everybody makes fun of me because my fist glows. And also because of my shoes. And the rest of my costume. And my name. But mainly the costume. You?”

“I’m a misfit because I want to be a dentist.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, well… All right. Not exactly a dentist, you see. I just wanna knock fools’ teeth out.”

“I… uh… Luke, I don’t know if that qualifies you as a misfit. Wait, you are black, right? That should count for something!”

“……”

“What? Why are you cracking your knuckles?”

“Danny, it’s time for your appointment. Let me take a look at your molars… bouncing off the wall.”

Merry Christmas, folks.

Step 1: Hire a quality writer, one known for doing right by your characters.
Step 2: Pair him up with a T&A artist or two, neither of whom are known for their ability to convey emotions beyond Angry, Shocked, and Aroused.
Step 3: Hamstring the writer by making him tie into your crappy stories that have nothing to do with the book he’s writing.

What book am I talking about? JLA!

The latest issue of JLA is a tie-in to the Tangent stuff that McDuffie isn’t even writing, the first arc was a perfectly decent Legion of Doom story that was hampered by the fact that Ed Benes was wholly unsuitable for the story he was trying to tell and that it turned into a Salvation run tie-in. You know what that did? It neutered the end of the story.

I was super hyped about McDuffie on JLA, despite Benes and Benitez on art. Now? Now I have to struggle to care about it. Tangent comics? Isn’t that like doing a Bloodlines homage or something? Who cares?

DC Comics? You need to get some act right in your life.

In yesterday’s installment, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch shared a tender moment until a bullet came out of nowhere and mortally wounded Scarlet Witch. How awkward. Let’s finish off Ultimates 3 #1 with the latter half of this heartbreaking scene.

I was going to make note of it in the image itself, but on the last page, isn’t that the dude from Naruto? You know, the ninja guy in blue who always looks like he’s stoned? He’s standing next to the woman with the umbrella telling him, “See? I told you Wanda Maximoff didn’t wear panties.”

And that’s the end of that. Thanks again to my collaborator ManiacClown, who will be doing prop comedy at the Laugh Hall in Trenton all this week. Maybe we’ll be back for another go in a month.

Thanks for reading, folks.

Ultimate Edit Week 2!
Ultimate Edit Week 3!
Ultimate Edit Week 4!
Ultimate Edit Week 5

On the Fifth Day of Ultimate Edit, my true love gave to me: something stupid about Twinkies. I don’t know. We’re almost done here. Here’s the first half of the issue’s final scene, involving Magneto’s embarrassments.

On another note, ManiacClown really, really wanted me to insert a reference to Ghetto Man into this segment. I ultimately said no because it didn’t come off right and few would get the joke. I think it’s the least I can do to take a second and link you fine folks to Ghetto Man roasting the Justice League, featuring Ed McMahon.

We’ll finish it off tomorrow.

Day Seven!

Yesterday, the big Venom fight had come to a conclusion, Wasp and Hawkeye got at each other’s throats and everyone’s favorite Alabama prom couple copped attitude at Captain America. Now we got a lot of talking. Sorry. The next three pages aren’t the most exciting.

Just want to make a note that some people have missed. Neither me nor ManiacClown are the guy that did the famous Civil War parody. That was MightyGodKing. I appreciate the compliment, though.

More fun on Monday.

Day Six!
Day Seven!

As we last left our heroes… Wait. Nobody really looks up to these jokers. As we last left our vigilante protagonists, Venom was kicking their asses. Then Valkyrie flew down from left field and tried chopping him up. It didn’t take. Venom has the sword and has a decent idea of how to use it.

In that first image, at the very bottom, am I the only one who thinks that Venom looks like he’s wearing a monocle? “We want to look rich!”

Once again, thanks to ManiacClown. That ham thing was his brainchild.

Tomorrow = more.

Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

The Venom Marathon continues! In yesterday’s episode, Venom effortlessly shrugged off several dozen bullets with little discomfort. The Ultimates decided that perhaps tiny lasers and brass knuckles could stop him. They thought wrong. Now let’s get back to the action.

Cutting room floor: collaborator ManiacClown really wanted me to have Valkyrie jump into action while yelling, “DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! Sweater Puppy Power!” but I vetoed it. I figured I’d mention in here to give it at least give his idea a little love.

Join us for more fun tomorrow. Santa Claus is coming to town.

Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!