Last week we heard the big news that DC is going to be releasing Before Watchmen, a series of prequels about the adventures of everyone’s favorite dysfunctional vigilantes. The thing has been nothing less than controversial, erupting in anger from many and curiosity from others. This isn’t about that debate. There are other places for such a thing.
The one thing I will say is that shameless cash-grab or not, at least DC is putting their ankle into it. They aren’t half-assing this. Of all their talent on the project, the most troublesome is a guy who at least once gave us a cartoon where the Ghostbusters killed Cthulhu with a rollercoaster. Sure, JMS is pretty bad now, but at least there’s the possibility that he could get his head into the game and make some decent lemonade.
A couple days ago, Bleeding Cool revealed that we dodged one hell of a bullet as Kevin Smith was offered a spot in the Watchmen Writer Illuminati. He turned them down for a damn good reason: even at his best, he’s a complete ill-fit for anything Watchmen.
Talked to Jim [Lee] and Dan [DiDio] about it two years ago. Only passed because I’m not Alan Moore, sadly. If I was Alan Moore, I’d be all over it. As Kevin Smith, I’d likely just make Bubastis “big pussy” jokes and have Rorschach wet himself. Hurm.
Smith made a couple jokes at his own expense, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized how much “Kevin Smith’s Watchmen” writes itself. I wanted to make a quick response, only the punchlines kept piling up in my mind. So for your enjoyment or annoyance, here are 25 jokes to be made about Kevin Smith writing Watchmen.
1) Ozymandias: I did it 37 dicks ago.
2) The miniseries is six issues, but DC releases #4 followed by #2 and then cancels it.
3) Nite Owl: It’s like I’m Blue Beetle, you’re the Question, she’s Nightshade and we’re in that fucked up bar!
4) Rorschach: What is a Nubian? Hurm. Must investigate further.
5) Dr. Manhattan: I’m not even supposed to be here two weeks from now!
6) Smith is told be editorial that Rorschach can’t wear a mask, he can’t break anyone’s fingers and he has to fight a giant spider.
7) Comedian: This riot would be great if it wasn’t for all the fucking citizens.
8) The prequels bomb so badly that Smith responds the only way he knows how: comic review sites no longer get their free review copies because they’re jerks.
9) The Buddy Manhattan.
10) Rorschach apologetically shakes Nite Owl’s hand a little too long. Afterwards, Nite Owl sniffs his own hand and wonders why it suddenly smells like ass.
11) A friendly Charles Barkley promptly shows up at the Crimebusters meeting and is yelled at to, “GET OUT OF HERE!”
12) (Comedian stands next to Hooded Justice as Silk Spectre I walks by)
Comedian: Hey baby, you ever got your ass licked by a fat man in an executioner hood?!
13) One of the issues ends with a relating quote from the lyrics of “Berserker”.
14) Due to tachyon interference, even Dr. Manhattan can’t tell when Smith will finally get around to writing the next issue.
15) Occasional interludes from a Bluntman and Chronic comic that has parallels to the main narrative.
16) Nite Owl and Silk Spectre playfully put together their own porno called “Crotchmen”.
17) WHO IS MASK KILLER OH MY GOD VEIDT IS MASK KILLER HOW CAN THAT BE?!
18) When rescuing people from a burning building, Nite Owl refuses Kevin Smith’s self-insert onto the Archimedes craft because he’s too fat for the seating.
19) Seymour stares at a magic eye picture long enough to see a sailboat… full of artists and scientists getting blown up.
20) An alternate ending shows that Ozymandias doesn’t catch Silk Spectre’s bullet in time. Rorschach then steals a pack of cigarettes and cheeses it.
21) After Jon Osterman is locked in the radiation cell and his fate is sealed, he sits back and reminisces about the time he locked himself in the radiation cell.
22) Dr. Manhattan tells Silk Spectre that he’s going to help her out. Why? Because the odds of a guy like Smith scoring a hot wife and convincing her it’s totally okay to name your daughter after a character from the Batman cartoon is about equal to oxygen turning into gold, meaning humans are miraculous indeed.
23) Marvel bleeds money as their Avengers vs. X-Men event fails to capture the fans’ imaginations in comparison to the epic battle between Dr. Manhattan and the Grimace.
24) Moloch remembers a few years earlier when the Comedian broke into his room and wept openly because he found out that George Lucas was “putting fucking teddy bears and shit” in his next Star
25) Dr. Manhattan: In the end? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends. For instance, Jay and Silent Bob will be back in Clerks 3: Clerk Harder.
Come on, folks! Join in! Let’s hear what you got.