Last week we heard the big news that DC is going to be releasing Before Watchmen, a series of prequels about the adventures of everyone’s favorite dysfunctional vigilantes. The thing has been nothing less than controversial, erupting in anger from many and curiosity from others. This isn’t about that debate. There are other places for such a thing.

The one thing I will say is that shameless cash-grab or not, at least DC is putting their ankle into it. They aren’t half-assing this. Of all their talent on the project, the most troublesome is a guy who at least once gave us a cartoon where the Ghostbusters killed Cthulhu with a rollercoaster. Sure, JMS is pretty bad now, but at least there’s the possibility that he could get his head into the game and make some decent lemonade.

A couple days ago, Bleeding Cool revealed that we dodged one hell of a bullet as Kevin Smith was offered a spot in the Watchmen Writer Illuminati. He turned them down for a damn good reason: even at his best, he’s a complete ill-fit for anything Watchmen.

Talked to Jim [Lee] and Dan [DiDio] about it two years ago. Only passed because I’m not Alan Moore, sadly. If I was Alan Moore, I’d be all over it. As Kevin Smith, I’d likely just make Bubastis “big pussy” jokes and have Rorschach wet himself. Hurm.

Smith made a couple jokes at his own expense, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized how much “Kevin Smith’s Watchmen” writes itself. I wanted to make a quick response, only the punchlines kept piling up in my mind. So for your enjoyment or annoyance, here are 25 jokes to be made about Kevin Smith writing Watchmen.

1) Ozymandias: I did it 37 dicks ago.

2) The miniseries is six issues, but DC releases #4 followed by #2 and then cancels it.

3) Nite Owl: It’s like I’m Blue Beetle, you’re the Question, she’s Nightshade and we’re in that fucked up bar!

4) Rorschach: What is a Nubian? Hurm. Must investigate further.

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I was pleased to see Kevin Smith returning to the DCU, with Batman: Cacaphony. Smith’s style is wordy, distinct, and irreverent, and I look forward to seeing him injecting a little humor into the Batverse. I’m also happy to see that Onomatopoeia, the Green Arrow villain, will be returning. Onomatopoeia has the right set of characteristics for a comics villain; a superhuman set of skills, a recognizable goal, and a quirky gimmick.

The only thing that bothers me about Onomatopoeia is that he fits too well with the villains we see these days; he’s deadly, he’s more out to get the superheroes than to commit crimes that might benefit him personally, and he’s the best, baddest villain ever. Poison Ivy moved from thief and environmental terrorist to random sadist and mass murderer with the powers of Swamp Thing. Two-Face now knows how to spar and goes on random killing sprees. Even Croc manages to do a lot of damage. Damian kills off villains and beats up Robin. Talia manages a national web of terrorists. And Hush – don’t even get me started on Hush.

There seems to be an unfortunate rate of inflation going on in comics. No more talented bank robbers or minor thugs. Everyone has to be the biggest, baddest, darkest, most formidable opponent Batman has ever encountered. It’s not that I don’t understand that it looks a little silly to have Batman go from a life-altering confrontation with the Black Glove one month to chasing down a safe-cracker the next, but it would be nice to see some variation.