CHIKARA is getting set for another group of shows, so once again I’m capitalizing by badgering one of their wrestlers. This time, it’s Tim Donst, an American icon who mixes the best traits of Rick Steiner, Rocky Balboa and Dan Hibiki into one red-blooded grappling machine.

As coincidence would have it, my very first CHIKARA show was also young Donst’s first match. Being my first experience with the wacky fed, I was more enamored with the antics of the masked cultists calling themselves the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple, his opponents in a six-man tag match, and paid Tim little mind. Months later, I watched his performance as a singles wrestler at Young Lions Cup V and saw potential in his unique amateur/pro wrestling hybrid style. He just needed an extra, undefined something.

Then came the infamous match against that big bully Eddie Kingston, where the outclassed and overly punished Tim Donst stood up against Kingston’s never-ending in-ring torment and fought back, winning the hearts of the fans in attendance. With his newfound gusto, Tim gained respect in his following matches, no matter whether he won or lost. He even got the last laugh against Kingston by pinning him in a tag match.

I met Tim at the King of Trios Fan Conclave a couple months back and he seemed very interested in taking part in an interview. I waited on it a little bit and it seems I may have waited a bit too long. You see, last month, at CHIKARA’s Deuces Wild show, Tim Donst went up against UltraMantis Black, the insect megalomaniac leader of the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple. Not only did UltraMantis’ Praying Mantis Bomb win the match for the squared-circle supervillain, but it also made young Donst a bit loopy. The next night, he was seen hanging out with the Order, who coerced him into believing that he was one of them.

Now the confused and dazed Tim Donst hangs out with UltraMantis Black, Crossbones and some other guy whose name I’m too tired to look up. When Mr. Donst was supposed to meet me up on the 4th Letter Helicarrier, he didn’t show. Instead, a large monitor turned on to reveal UltraMantis Black cackling. Due to technical problems, UltraMantis himself would be reading Tim’s answers from what appeared to be stained and heavily wrinkled pieces of loose-leaf paper.

But hey, the show must go on.

****************************

Tim Donst taking on his previous mentor Mike Quackenbush.

Mr. Donst, being such a patriot, do you know what MySpace is… no, wait. Sorry, that’s a stupid question. Forget I said anything.

Can you tell us some background on your amateur wrestling upbringing? What happened for you to make the transition towards professional wrestling?

– Certainly. I, Timothy Donst, became well-versed in the art of Greco-Roman competition during my secondary school education as well as at olde University. However, my grappling skills were quite feeble until I submitted myself to the great UltraMantis Black. Under his tutelage, I gained the necessary tools to excel not only in the sport of professional wrestling, but in the vast grandeur of the eternal realm as well.

What comics have you been reading? I mean, you do read comics, right? Because I have an important question involving Galactus…

– I read not these “comics” you speak of. I study only the sacred scriptures of the benevolent Ultramantis Black. You too would be wise to absorb his written wisdom.

Okay, then. Who would win in a fight between Galactus and Galactus’ weight in Deliriouses?

– Such frivolity~!

Lately you’ve been kidnapped—er, I mean, you’ve been hanging out with the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple. What’s that been like?

– Clearly your credentials as a journalist are lacking as the structure of this question leads me to believe you are little more than an amateur hack penning your first piece for your local penny press. I, Timothy Donst, have immensely enjoyed my decades long association with my brethren in The Order. We are a close-knit family you see – always have been and always will be.

Naturally, the cube gets along famously with the square.

Outside of CHIKARA, what else do you have going for you? I couldn’t help but notice you lugging around a title belt.

– In my free time, I enjoy serving The Order. In addition, I have several hobbies which include, among other things, pledging my undying loyalty to The Order, using my talents in the ring to bring glory and honor to The Order, and going door-to-door to spread the good news of The Order. I also enjoy crocheting.

Let’s talk about the infamous Eddie Kingston match from last year. Just how badly did he mess you up? Reader Ditch wants to know what was the most painful part of it, other than the head bouncing off the floor bit? Was it worth it?

– More outrageous lies and slander from the conservative news media~! I took no part in any type of competition with this Edward Kingston you speak of.

Wow! Even answers about Eddie Kingston no-show.

You heard the man. This never happened.

Tim Donst, you are America, so I’m sure you keep up with the election. A few days ago I had this dream where out of desperation, Hillary Clinton revealed her running mate as being Luigi. Do you think this would help or hurt her campaign?

– I, Timothy Donst, have renounced my allegiance to this America many moons ago. These United $nakes political games are meaningless in the grand scheme of The Order’s blueprints for total annihilation of the world’s economic markets via pinfall and submission.

Superman can bend steel and change the course of mighty rivers. But can he break out of the CHIKARA Special?

– Ha – the CHIKARA Special. I guffaw again – Ha. The beloved llave of the tecnicos of the CHIKARA Pro. But every problem has a solution, doesn’t it my friend?

MidnightMayor wants to know: are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party? Barring that, have you ever suplexed a member of the Communist party?

– Perhaps the “MidnightMayor” needs a lesson in respect from the “Mayor of Parts Unknown” – the glorious UltraMantis Black. Once again, your socio-political mind games and doubletalk won’t fool me, young Timothy Donst.

Wait, are you saying that I’m Tim Donst now? I don’t get… You know what? Let’s turn this into a shoot. Let’s totally break kayfabe. You ready? Let’s just drop the fourth wall and totally go wild! We’re going to break open the business! Yeah! Here’s the question: that vegan treat that UltraMantis made you eat. Was that acting or was that really as nasty and disgusting as you made it look?

– You scoundrel~! Never question the diet and lifestyle of the most dangerous stable of humyns in the history of professional wrestling~! I also need further clarification on this “kayfabe” you speak of.

It’s a rare kind of crustacean that lives off the coast of Utah, but that’s not important right now.

Some of the Marvel heroes figured that rather than killing him, the best way to deal with the Hulk would be to send him off into space to fend for himself. Who on the CHIKARA roster would you like to see get the same treatment? It’s up to you. There is no correct answer. (Hint: The correct answer is Vin Gerard.)

– This question is irrelevant as the devious UltraMantis Black has already dealt out such a fate to another. Perhaps you are familiar with the name “DJ Skittlez”~?

With your first complete year in the wrestling world under your belt as of last month, how do you feel about the future in your career?

– With my comrades in The Order at my side, there is nothing that we, as a team, cannot accomplish~! Quite simply put, The Order of the Neo Solar Temple will soon rule this vast, soulless world of professional wrestling~! This interview is over~!

But I was going to ask about the question that would make you get so angry that you’d storm out of this interview in a huff! That’s my running gag! Man. Tim Donst is a jerk!

Me and UltraMantis during less disagreeable times.

Thanks to Tim Donst for… uh… taking the time to do this interview. And thanks to UltraMantis Black for… um… well, thanks for having such a cool mask. Thanks to Crossbones for at no point showing up to kick me really hard in the face. I’m pretty sure I’d have hated that.

The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple team up on Saturday the 17th to face the Colony and El Pantera at Café Culture in Hellertown, Pennsylvania. The following day, CHIKARA does a show in Philly called Grit and Glory. Then it’s Aniversarioma, as on May 23rd, in Framingham, Maryland, Tim Donst will team up with some guy to take on Los Space Pirates from Kaiju Big Battel. The following day, those two will be part of Aniversarioct at Wallingford, Conneticut. It’s there that Tim Donst and whoever will take on Los Ice Creams.

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Posted in 4thletter exclusives, Chikara, Wrestlecomics by Gavok |