Oh… that is so wrong.

We’re back for part two of our look of WWF Battlemania. Before starting, I should point out that Sensational Sherri, who was featured in the last article, has passed away at the age of 49. That’s a huge shame. Add another line to the list, I guess.

On a happier note, I’d like to mention that the Wrestlecomics part of 4th Letter got featured on the Wrestling Observer (twice!) and Figure Four Weekly Online. That’s pretty sweet, as Wrestling Observer is like the wrestling equivalent of Newsarama, only with maybe a shuffled step higher.

Continuing on issue #3 of Battlemania, we get to a story involving the Ultimate Warrior that I thought was actually pretty good. It’s shocking. Even more shocking was when I discovered the reason it was so good. Dwayne McDuffie of all people wrote this thing. That’s right. The guy who will soon be writing Justice League of America wrote a story about the Ultimate Warrior. I’m not knocking the guy in any way, and I do understand that you write what you can get, but I think it’s just such a random realization. Next you’re going to tell me that this guy wrote a Double Dragon comic.

Huh? He did? Oh. Well, now I know what I’m reviewing in the future.

“Follow Your Spirit”: Ultimate Warrior’s Workout
Ultimate Warrior vs. Sergeant Slaughter

We start the story with neither the Warrior nor Slaughter, but a battle royal in a second-rate gym filled with generic no-names. One of these generic guys is Ben Bradford. While the announcer mentions that Ben is a bit unorthodox in his wrestling style, he continues to dominate the match. In the front row is Lewis, Ben’s little brother. Lewis is confined to a wheelchair and is a major wrestling fan and art enthusiast.

Ben wins the match and is announced the winner. As a special surprise, his trophy and prize money are delivered by the Ultimate Warrior himself. Warrior holds Ben’s hand up and congratulates him on his victory.

Warrior picks Ben up and tosses him out of the ring. Respectfully, he tells Ben to reach his full potential and seek him out for a rematch. Warrior keeps his eyes trained on Ben, noticing that he doesn’t take defeat well and that he has much to learn. He eavesdrops on Ben’s post-match conversation with Lewis. Lewis tells Ben not to beat himself up and shows him a picture he sketched of Ben holding the Warrior in a headlock. Ben keeps his confidence low and reveals that he needs a WWF contract so that he can make enough money for Lewis to get physical therapy and one day walk again.

Warrior walks over and offers to make Ben his protégé.

“Can you reach deep down inside, Ben Bradford? Can you reach into your heart and find the spirit of the warrior?”

“I-I can try!”

“That is all any man can do, Ben Bradford. For the next thirty days, I will meet you here, and we will train together. If you survive the Ultimate Workout, you will gain the strength to follow your heart wherever it leads. On this you have my word.”

Ben can’t say no to such an offer, though he does keep giving us a look as to ask, “What the hell is this crap?” So for the next month, Ben trains with the Ultimate Warrior.

You may have noticed a little pattern here. The only “outside the ring” stories Battlemania seems to have about the Warrior so far are about him training. It makes sense, I guess. His character was so off the ground that we can only imagine him wrestling or preparing to wrestle. Anything else would probably be a bit too out there for this comic.

The first half of the training goes great. Ben may not be as strong as the Warrior, but his physique has improved tenfold. He briefly looks at a poster for a bodybuilding competition and laughs at how he looks better than the guy on the poster. Warrior then begins teaching him wrestling holds.

Heh. Yeah, because if there was anyone I’d want teaching me wrestling holds, it’s the guy who might remember three if you give him enough time to think about it. Then again, this is one of those things where life would one day imitate art.

Ben may have the holds down, but he can’t use them really well. Every time he spars with the Warrior, he’s completely destroyed. He can’t concentrate or get a sliver of offense in. Warrior blames it on Ben’s lack of drive and spirit. Lewis tries to get his spirits up, even though he’s moved on to drawing pictures of the Warrior beating the stuffing out of Ben.

There’s one guy who’s been hanging out in the background, watching all this. Turns out, he works for one Sergeant Slaughter.

Sergeant Slaughter

Sgt. Slaughter is a legendary figure in wrestling history, remembered mainly for his gravely, authoritative voice and gimmick of being a patriotic drill sergeant. Also remembered for his stint in GI Joe. Around the time of this series, Slaughter was in the midst of what one could call the best and worst era of his career. On one hand, he was fresh off his first and only WWF heavyweight title reign. On the other hand, he did it with one of the most insulting gimmicks out there. Slaughter, at the time, was an Iraqi sympathizer, as part of Vince McMahon’s attempt to squeeze some money out of Desert Storm. Accompanied by former tag champ General Adnan (who was both from Iraq and had known Saddam Hussein when they were growing up), they would wave the Iraqi flag around and constantly badmouth America. Thankfully, the gimmick was dropped after that year’s Summerslam event, as a remorseful Slaughter would be featured in several vignettes, tearfully asking for forgiveness, leading to a tag team with fellow patriot Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

The two decide to pay a visit to their nemesis to see just what kind of threat this Ben Bradford is. The next day, Warrior has Ben in a hammerlock and tells him to find a way out of it. Slaughter and Adnan – both cleverly disguised by wearing shades and fake beards over their regular evil general outfits – step into the ring and offer to help by putting Warrior in the hold and having him show Ben how to escape it. Instead, while Slaughter has Warrior held, Adnan stomps his face in. Ben removes Adnan’s beard, only to get punched down. Warrior reacts violently, by taking Slaughter and tossing him both out of the ring and through a wall.

Ben and Adnan continue their fight, which brings them to a sauna. Adnan starts flinging the steaming rocks at the cowering Ben. This brings up my favorite exchange.

“Cut it out, that isn’t fair!”

“Sure it is. You could throw rocks too!”

Ben fills the room with steam, momentarily giving himself an advantage. Unfortunately, Adnan still hands him his ass. As a kid, I remember this really defining how lousy Ben Bradford must be, based on the fact that Adnan was the lowest level on the WWF roster. Being a manager, he was only threatening as a diversion. Ben Bradford makes Virgil look like Bill Goldberg.

The Warrior vs. Slaughter side of the fight has taken a change for the weird. Their brawl has led them to the women’s locker room. Now the Warrior is stuck standing in front of the entrance, as his code dictates that he must protect the women inside from the possibility of Slaughter and Adnan entering for panty raid purposes. This leaves Warrior somewhat prone to being attacked by the two Iraq-loving heels.

Lewis is in the background and decides to help out. He shoves a barbell off its rack and causes it to wheel down towards Slaughter and Adnan, tripping them from behind. Warrior snarls and chases the two off, letting them escape as he prefers to fight his enemies fairly in the ring. Slaughter and Adnan don’t seem to mind. They already got the information they came for: Ben Bradford ain’t worth shit.

Later on, Lewis asks Ben if he’s okay. Ben sulks about how he let the Warrior down and he now knows he can never be good enough to be in a WWF ring. Lewis comes to realize that this whole time, Ben doesn’t even care all that much about wrestling. He only wanted to become a wrestler because Lewis loves it so much. He tells his big brother not to worry about that. Just do what the Ultimate Warrior says and listen to his heart.

Ben just sadly walks away without a word. Alone, he rubs his chin in deep thought while the bodybuilding poster subtly hangs behind him.

Turns out it wasn’t a wrestling competition after all. Ben Bradford just made his bodybuilding debut by making second place. Big deal. I did the same by playing Monopoly. Here’s hoping he got more out of it than ten measly bucks.

Ben gives a speech about how he decided that wrestling wasn’t for him, as he really wants to be a bodybuilder. A couple more contests and he’ll easily be able to pay for his brother’s therapy. Warrior smiles down at Lewis and advises him to work hard in his therapy, as perhaps he will be the wrestler in the family. Lewis thanks the Warrior, but thinks that maybe he’ll be an artist. It depends on where his heart leads him.

Between this and the WCW comic, I think that wrestler comics only work when some dude in face-paint is helping out a handicapped kid.

Issue #4 time. Ultimate Warrior gets his own story and gets featured a bit on the cover even though by the time this issue hit the streets, the Warrior was long gone. At the Summerslam pay per view of that year, Warrior made a stink about how much he was getting paid, blackmailed Vince by threatening not to appear at the event and ended up getting fired for it. Big surprise there. The two stories of the issue star the unstoppable undead Phenom, the Undertaker.

The Undertaker

Who would have thought that of all the guys to be featured in Battlemania, the Undertaker would be the one to remain a major player all the way into the year 2007? Granted the Undertaker was still new, his gimmick of being a semi-invincible Lurch wannabe didn’t seem to have too much long-term potential. If anything, he just looked to be yet another monster out there for guys like Hogan and the Warrior to decimate. Instead, McMahon had him beat Hogan a year into his WWF career for the title. This is slightly before that, where Undertaker was feuding with the Ultimate Warrior. As he would be for many years, the Undertaker’s manager here is Paul Bearer, a high-voiced and chunky mortician that lovingly carried an urn at all times.

“Pain or Peace”: Lifestyles of the Brutal and Infamous
Big Boss Man vs. The Undertaker

Doing a story about Big Boss Man against the Undertaker is kind of odd. It’s like having a comic where US Agent fights Apocalypse. The good guy is notably outmatched and the two have absolutely no history with each other. At least not at this point in their careers.

Even odder is the creative team for this story. Of course, Ditko does the pencils, but writing the story is fellow big name Jim Shooter. The McDuffie/Warrior thing above was a nice surprise because it explained why the comic was readable. This one’s just jarring because it really isn’t very good.

Like all great stories, it begins with a pizza delivery. A kid who I’ll refer to as Dino (because he works for Dino’s Pizza) is delivering four large pies to that fatass Big Boss Man. Boss Man’s in a van, parked across the street from what Dino describes as a haunted house that’s recently been retouched. That house, as it turns out, is the new residence for the Undertaker and Paul Bearer. Boss Man, having nothing better to do like work out and train for his matches, is spying on the duo with wiretaps.

I’m going to be nagging myself throughout writing this if I don’t mention this horrible joke at least once, so let me get it off my chest: More like Big Brother Man. I’m sorry.

Mrs. Goodheart, the neighborhood’s resident welcome wagon, makes a visit to the Undertaker estate. Boss Man is scared for her life and can only listen in on their conversations. At first, Mrs. Goodheart only speaks with Paul Bearer. Then we meet the real star.

Dig the sinister, black word bubble. Either this means Undertaker’s supposed to be really grim, or he’s wearing the Venom symbiote. Shooter is the writer here, so it could go either way.

Half of the story is just the same series of jokes. Suspicious and dark stuff goes on in the house. Goodheart is creeped out. Paul Bearer spins events to make himself look innocent, despite coming off as even more suspicious. For instance, the Undertaker takes a hammer and swings it down towards Goodheart. She moves out of the way, screaming. Undertaker then reveals he was really chiseling a headstone that needed to be smoothed out. Meanwhile, Boss Man acts like a minority watching a horror movie by screaming, “Don’t go into the kitchen, lady!” every now and then while Dino plays around with Boss Man’s riot gear and goads him into storming the house.

Once Goodheart gets scared enough to leave, she accidentally stumbles upon a meat locker, where one of the hunks of meat hanging there resembles a human body. She screams and passes out. Boss Man hears this and decides to make a run for it, warrant or no.

The two brawl through the house, with Undertaker at one point trying to shove Boss Man into a meat grinder. Goodheart is revived as the two keep fighting. The fight ends when Boss Man tackles Undertaker into a room where they’re holding a funeral. Everybody in there acts all outraged about how dearly departed Charles would be mortified, except for the token old guy who excitedly yells, “Are you kidding? Chuck’d be thrilled–! That’s the Undertaker and Big Boss Man!”

No word on whether Charles was a Bushwackeroo.

Mrs. Goodheart yells at Big Boss Man for barging in on these fine, upstanding members of her community. She defends Undertaker and Paul Bearer and demands that Boss Man apologize. Instead, Boss Man storms off with Dino and tells Undertaker that one day he will make him pay for his crimes.

Later, Goodheart sits with Bearer and Taker to discuss how she thought a side of beef looked like a dead human body earlier. The story ends with Paul Bearer discussing that other than a funeral service, they’re also a catering service, specializing in ribs (Tony Stark would be pleased). The final joke is Paul Bearer insisting that Mrs. Goodheart stay for dinner, as they’re having “ground chuck”. Because, you see, the funeral was for a guy named Charles. So by ground chuck, we’re meant to think that—next story!

“Wait Till I Get My Hands on the Undertaker” by Ultimate Warrior
Ultimate Warrior vs. The Undertaker

Unlike most of the other Battlemania stories, this one has grounds in an actual televised incident. Paul Bearer used to host a weekly segment called the Funeral Parlor, where he’d interview a different WWF wrestler on a set decorated with a funeral theme. One time, he had the Ultimate Warrior as a guest. As the Warrior rambled on about who knows what, the Undertaker stepped out of a casket and attacked him from behind. He and Paul Bearer shoved the Warrior into another casket and locked him in. Acting like a raging lunatic doesn’t save you when you can’t breathe.

Officials and EMTs opened up the casket minutes later and for a while, the Warrior had a phobia about caskets in general.

We begin with the Ultimate Warrior standing in his hotel room. He had just trashed it in a fit about how much he hates the Undertaker. Rowdy Roddy Piper comes in and tries to get us to swallow that he and the Warrior are really great buddies from way back. He tries to calm his friend down, but the Warrior goes off on another psychotic episode and tosses furniture out the window.

Piper shares some wisdom with the Warrior, explaining that instead of taking it out on the hotel room, he should envision his upcoming match with the Undertaker in his mind. The Warrior follows his advice and sees himself coming to the ring. The Undertaker throws a headstone at the Warrior and misses. The sequence is a bit odd here as in one panel, the Warrior is diving headfirst into the Undertaker’s stomach while the next panel shows him as talking to Paul Bearer. Then again, this is the Ultimate Warrior’s imagination, so I shouldn’t find it as weird as it should be.

It does get there. Like how a little girl rushes past security with a sledgehammer in hand.

There are so many questions that arise from these two panels that I’m just going to skip it.

……I mean, how come she—NO! No, I said I won’t go into this.

Warrior doesn’t land a single hit with the sledgehammer against the Undertaker, but he does destroy the headstone as a way of symbolism. Even though Undertaker disarms him, Warrior gets the advantage by picking Undertaker up over his head and spiking him down so hard that the Undertaker goes through the mat.

Forgetting about pinning in his little fantasy, the Warrior stands victorious. Yay.

Piper doesn’t think this is good enough. You can’t simply defeat the Undertaker in a wrestling match. It isn’t enough closure.

Warrior continues his fantasy. He leaves the ring and an annoyed Undertaker steps out of the big hole in the ring. Backstage, Warrior’s being toweled off by some random dudes while talking with that old trainer we saw back in issue #2. All of the sudden, Paul Bearer drives a hearse through the wall, almost killing that trainer.

Undertaker holds down the Warrior as Paul Bearer pulls out a casket with the Ultimate Warrior symbol on it. Warrior shoves Undertaker off and makes a break for it. Thanks to Bearer’s taunts at Warrior being a coward as well as Warrior’s own resolve, he stops himself and insists that he sees this fight through.

During the fight, Warrior steals a shovel from Paul Bearer and uses it on the hearse, explaining that he does not want to hurt the Undertaker himself, but destroy what he stands for. He and the Undertaker fight back and forth, with the Undertaker repeatedly trying to get Warrior into the casket. Security surrounds them and does nothing while various fans run out to check out the impromptu fight.

Now, hardcore wrestling fans aren’t all that different from hardcore comic fans. A lot of the time, you can see a story or fight and easily figure out how it’s going to end, as if it’s a mathematical formula. I don’t think anyone would have seen this coming.

See? Vehicles go up in fiery explosions all the time in wrestling.

Warrior stands on top of the twisted remains of that hearse, with both Paul Bearer and the Undertaker motionless below him. The fans cheer him on and the Warrior beams over his imagined victory over death.

His fantasy over, Warrior smiles at Roddy Piper and says that his spirit is renewed. He thanks Roddy and the two part ways. Warrior sits against the wall to sleep, as he probably no longer has a bed for that. He hears a knock at the door and gets up. The man at the door gives him an urgent special delivery package. Warrior opens it up and yet again, goes into a fit.

OOOOOH YES!

Ultimate Warrior vs. Undertaker never did get any real closure, at least on television. All it ever did was turn Jake “The Snake” Roberts heel. Then Warrior went back to feuding with Slaughter, got fired, and didn’t come back for five months or so. By then, the Undertaker himself was a face, and was following Warrior’s footsteps as the unbeatable special attraction good guy.

One more issue to go.

Um… put $50 on the guys on the bike.

“Justice for All”
Sid Justice vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts

Wow. This feud is so short-lived, I barely remember it as ever happening. If I recall correctly, it mainly set up a tag match of Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Sid vs. Jake and the Undertaker. Let’s look at our hero and villain of the moment.

Sid Justice

Also known throughout his career as Sid Vicious, Psycho Sid and just plain Sid, our subject’s kayfabe persona was that of a dominant and intense monster of a man… who was usually drenched in enough sweat at any given time that he could irrigate a desert by lying down and taking a nap. Sid’s biggest claim to fame is for being one of, if not the only, man to have victories over both Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels during their prime years. Unfortunately, fans will always remember him for events that were either unplanned or outside the ring. Despite his intense speech delivery, he would continually either ramble about nonsense (much like the Warrior) or botch his lines (once telling Kevin Nash, “But you know that I know that you are only half the man that I am! And that I have half the brain that you do!”). He’s also remembered for such incidents as stabbing Arn Anderson several times in a hotel room with a pair of scissors, trying to start a bar fight with a squeegee, shoving a squirrel down his pants as part of a bet which went horribly wrong, shitting himself in a match, and this hideous leg injury that still gives me the jibblies.

Jake “The Snake” Roberts

In his prime, the snake-wielding Jake Roberts had nearly everything you could want out of a wrestler. Intense promos, a cool look, good ring psychology, in-ring skill, etc. While wildly popular in the late-80’s/early-90’s, his career never truly took off. This is partly due to him having more demons than the cast of Spawn. Every time he’d make a comeback, he’d be curbed by alcoholism or drug addiction. Now he looks like an even more haggard version of David Crosby. Yes, it turns out that is possible. With all the wrestlers dying over the past few years, Jake “The Snake” Roberts has continued to be a mainstay on the deadpool for who’s next to drop.

Sid Justice’s initial run as a face didn’t last all that long and they never did give him much of a defined background other than being Hogan’s buddy, being very big, very wet and very intense. The writer of this story, Laura Hitchcock, gets by that with her own ideas of what kind of guy Sid Justice is. Unless there was some article in an old WWF Magazine that went over this. Her idea is that Sid is a former farm boy whose upbringing makes him insistent on upholding the ideals of justice and fairness.

We begin with him Sid at home, reading up on back issues of the Arkansas Farm Journal. His housekeeper hears a knock at the door and finds a delivery man who may or may not be Jimmy Hart (glasses, long hair and piano tie). She thinks it’s Sid’s laundry. Opening the box, she’s in for a rude awakening.

Sid contains the snake and traps it in a box. His housekeeper accidentally shattered her glasses in the excitement and can barely see. Sid gets furious, as an innocent woman has been wronged. He swears revenge on Jake “The Snake” Roberts.

Jake works at his own proprietorship, the Annaconda (sic) Gym, where he tosses a guy out the window simply for resembling someone he hates. When Sid barges in, Jake just taunts him and jokes about his gift from earlier. Sid demands that Jake gives him $50 to pay for his housekeeper’s glasses. Jake pulls out a $50 bill, drops it, goes to pick it up, but instead pulls a rug out from under Sid.

Wow. It isn’t hard to write dialogue for most of these wrestlers, but for a talented wordsmith like Jake Roberts do be reduced to lines like this… ow.

The fight goes to the roof, where Jake continues to outsmart Sid. He busts up a water tower, allowing a wave to leak out and take Sid off the roof to his supposed death. Sid, luckily, catches onto a scaffold. He stops Jake on the street and gets whacked with a garbage can lid. Jake – wearing a swank snake-skin shirt – makes a run for it and has Sid chase him to the zoo, which is closed.

Entering the zoo, Sid finds that all the snakes have been released from their cages. There’s nothing but major security issues going on in WWF Battlemania.

Sid finds Jake lounging around outside, surrounded by snakes. Jake acts casual and places the $50 dollar bill on a sundial. If Sid wants it, he’ll have to come and get it. Sid fights through the pile of snakes and shakes it off when Jake breaks a sign over his head. Sid gets tripped by a snake, which allows Jake to start stomping away at Sid’s head. He continues to brag about his victory and his plans to send snakes to all of Sid’s friends. Sid slowly gets up, with Jake pounding on him with both fists.

Sid gives Jake a crushing bearhug until Jake submits and agrees to pay up. Sid grabs Jake by the throat and holds him over his head.

“W-what are you? A superman?! Or some kind of incredible—“

Sid tosses Jake through a window, takes a second to mention how worn out he feels, grabs the money and struts out of the zoo.

“Justice has been served.”

Thankfully, he stayed away from the squirrel exhibit.

“Rules of the Road”
The Legion of Doom, Hawk and Animal vs. The Natural Disasters, Earthquake and Typhoon

Our final story involves two of the most dominant tag teams to not just be two main eventers strung together.

The Legion of Doom, Hawk and Animal

You’d think that a comic site covering the Legion of Doom would be talking about Lex Luthor and Toyman, but instead, we get the guys who also used to go by the Road Warriors. With a name and look based on the Mad Max films (popular among wrestlers), Hawk and Animal are one of the all-time most popular tag teams in wrestling history. The two powerhouses in spiked shoulder pads dominated both WCW and the WWF for years, winning tag titles multiple times. They were also part of a fair share of awful storylines, especially ones that involved adding more members to the team. Hawk had passed away at age 46 due to the long-term effects of alcohol abuse and steroids. Animal had recently made a return to the WWE, ending his run a year ago.

Our story opens up with the two on the road. Animal is riding a red and black motorcycle with Hawk in the side-car, screaming his catch phrase, “WHAT A RUSH!”

We see further down the road, where a family of three are trying to fix their broken-down car. The mother isn’t given a name, but her teenage kids are Pat and Donna. The artist (not Ditko here) can’t seem to differentiate with ages at all, as the mother looks to be a teenager herself. There’s no gas station for miles, so they’re screwed. That is, until the red and black motorcycle rides by.

The mother is scared, especially by the Legion of Doom’s sinister dialogue.

“So, what’s happening here?”

“Looks like these people are in big trouble, Animal.”

“Not many folks on this road lately, Hawk. They could be out here a long time before anyone else shows up.”

To the family’s surprise, the two change the car’s tire with their bare hands.

A random cop shows up, doing his best Buford T. Justice impression. Despite the claims of Pat, the cop thinks the Legion of Doom are a couple freak punks giving decent people a hard time. He shows his true colors when he threatens to take them in, unless they happen to have $500 on them. That’s a lot of money. That’s like ten broken pairs of housekeeper glasses!

They shove him into a garbage can and tell him to stop it with the bribery game. As they try to ride off on their cycle, the cop throws piece of metal into their front wheel, causing the bike to break apart. The cop kind of forgets about arresting them and just wanders off into the distance.

Hawk and Animal are bummed about their loss, but Pat says they can ride them to a shop. It’s the least they can do. Pat’s mother is okay with it, but hopes they’ll be out of their hair by the time they hit the next gas station.

Animal directs them to Collision Joe’s place, saying it’s the best place to get your vehicle fixed. On the way, they keep making the family stop so they can visit their friends, insisting that it’s the rule of the road. They visit the Dead Cow Grill, Matty’s Tattoo Parlor, a pet shop, a gym and Spikes ‘R’ Us (not kidding). Each time, it’s the same story.

The Legion of Doom find their hangouts busted up and their friends hurt. All they know is that it was two very big guys with a grudge. The mother sees the way Hawk and Animal treat their friends and the way the friends act around them and see that maybe they aren’t such bad guys after all. That’s not to say that she was crazy about Hawk carrying a hurt falcon around with him.

Once the gang gets to Collision Joe’s, they find the Natural Disasters waiting for them.

The Natural Disasters, Earthquake and Typhoon

Earthquake was one of the many monster wrestlers used in a textbook “Hulk Hogan vs. large, unbeatable threat” storyline. A former sumo wrestler, the Canadian remained pretty unstoppable for most of his career, despite rarely ever hitting the main event. During the Hogan/Earthquake feud, another large man, Tugboat, played the role of Hogan’s sidekick. While the Tugboat gimmick never really went anywhere, he one day turned heel and became Earthquake’s partner, deeming himself Typhoon. The two feuded with the Legion of Doom as heels for a while before turning face and finally winning the tag titles. Earthquake, another one of my all-time favorites, died of cancer at 42. Typhoon is still around today, though long retired.

Of course, I’m not allowed to mention Typhoon without making some kind of mention of the Shockmaster. If you’ve never heard of it, watch the clip. It’s great.

The fight ensues. Despite the Legion of Doom being overpowered in the beginning, they just toss their broken bike at the Disasters and pin them down. The crooked cop from earlier shows up with the hurt falcon, using it as a hostage.

The falcon gets loose from the cop and somehow causes him to shatter a nearby car’s windshield, which distracts Earthquake. With him distracted, the Legion of Doom move out of the way and cause Earthquake to miss his sitting splash maneuver. The Disasters regroup and get ready to eliminate the Legion of Doom once and for all.

Only this time, all of the Legion of Doom’s friends from throughout the story – including the mother with a tire iron – back them up. The Disasters turn tail and chase off the cop for ruining everything.

Collision Joe says that he can fix the bike and the family’s car, but it will take a couple weeks. In the meantime, they can use his car, a sweet, red Ferrari. Hawk and Animal apologize to the mother for ruining their vacation and suggests that maybe they should all go on a vacation together.

AND WE ARE DONE.

Thank God, because reviewing these comics are hell on my productivity. It’s like cleaning your room. You know you have to do it and you sort of want to do it, but there’s a big heaping of resistance in getting it done with.

The final issue included posters for Bret Hart and the Warlord, two guys who didn’t get a chance to show up in the comic pages. I figure they probably would have gotten their own cover story if this thing went on for another issue or two. Oh well.

As for the Wrestlecomics articles, I might as well take a gander at the Chaos! Comics series of late-90’s WWF comics. That will be a little down the road. I think I need to get back to regular comic articles, that don’t involve guys punching each other with open fists.

In the meantime, enjoy this hastily put together gallery of the Battlemania posters.

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Posted in comic books, reviews, Wrestlecomics by Gavok |