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Stone Cold Steve Ditko Presents WWF Battlemania: Part One

June 6th, 2007 by | Tags: , , , , , ,

Welcome to the world of WWF Battlemania.

Unlike the WCW comic, Battlemania holds some sense of nostalgia with me. While I only owned one issue as a kid, the series takes off right as I started watching. I recall first catching onto the WWF during January of 1991. The Ultimate Warrior was in his final days of being WWF Champion, before losing the title to Sergeant Slaughter at the Royal Rumble. The Hart Foundation, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and Bret “Hitman” Hart, were tag champs, destined to relinquish their titles at Wrestlemania to the Nasty Boys. Months earlier, the Undertaker had made his debut, already showing signs of the monster push they were giving him towards the main event. So there is a stronger feel of familiarity with me.

In fact, there are many differences between the WCW and WWF comics. They’re like comparing apples and oranges. The WCW comic is just a bad comic. Battlemania is merely a sad comic. Don’t get me wrong, it’s far more competent than WCW’s ink and paper production in both writing and art. The thing is, that’s one of two reasons why Battlemania is depressing to see exist.

Battlemania was a production by Valiant Comics and half of the stories in the series are drawn by one Steve Ditko. Yes. That Steve Ditko. The guy who co-created Spider-Man and Dr. Strange. The man who came up with the Question and Captain Atom and the Creeper and Speedball. This guy was stuck working on a comic book about a wrestling corrections officer brawling with a wrestling zombie in the middle of a funeral home. It’s kind of disheartening.

Also depressing is the roster. Despite all the wrestlers in the WCW comic, only Rick Rude and the barely-there Brian Pillman are no longer with us. For a comic that only ran for five issues, WWF Battlemania has a harsh list of dead wrestlers. Not counting cameos, nearly every issue features at least one wrestler who has passed away.

One strange thing about the series is the complete lack of Hulk Hogan. For about the entire run, Hogan was the company’s champion. Not only does the Ultimate Warrior get the more marquee showing, but Hogan isn’t even mentioned once. I’m going to guess this comes from the legal issues based on his name and Marvel’s Hulk.

As mentioned earlier, Battlemania lasted five issues. Because it was released quarterly, they were smart enough not to go the WCW route and write actual story arcs. Instead, each issue is episodic. There are two “outside the ring” stories in each issue based on specific face vs. heel pairings.

Also included are a WWF merchandise catalogue and two posters. The posters are actually very awesome. Each issue has a poster based on a face (Ultimate Warrior, Randy Savage, Big Bossman, etc.) and a heel (Undertaker, Ted DiBiase, the Mountie, etc.). The faces face to the right and the heels face to the left. The background, showcasing a ring and a roaring crowd, match up so that you can combine faces and heels however you want. You want to have Bret “Hitman” Hart facing down the Undertaker? Go for it. Randy Savage vs. the Warlord? Sure, why not. Pretty inventive stuff.

Those posters are the only excuse Valiant has to put the Ultimate Warrior on the first cover. He doesn’t even show up in either story.

The Perfect Match: An Out-of-the-Ring Challenge!
“Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich vs. Mr. Perfect

Our story begins in the ring, where a match between Kerry and Mr. Perfect is brought to an end as Perfect’s manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan hits Kerry with a steel chair. The ref calls for the bell, giving Kerry the win via disqualification. For some reason, Perfect has both Heenan and “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase in his corner. I still don’t really get what DiBiase’s doing there. I don’t recall him ever having a beef with Texas Tornado, nor do I recall him ever buddying it up with Mr. Perfect.

For the sake of those of you who have no idea who I’m talking about, let’s take a look at our combatants.


“Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich

Oh boy. We’re starting off with a depressing one here. Kerry Von Erich made a name for himself in World Class Championship Wrestling for several years before making his way to the WWF. He was, for the most part, a pretty generic face. His name came from his finisher, which was a spinning punch that was apparently strong enough to knock out his opponents. The most notable part of his WWF career was trading the Intercontinental Championship back and forth with his rival, Mr. Perfect. As a member of the Von Erich family, Kerry was part of the infamous “Von Erich Curse”, by committing suicide in 1993.

Though he did have only one foot during his entire WWF career. That’s kind of cool.


Mr. Perfect

Curt Hennig remains one of my all-time favorites. With his Mr. Perfect persona, he played an egotistical, gum-chewing smart-ass who, despite being annoyingly high on himself, was every bit as good as he said he was. Vignettes would show him hitting a series of Babe Ruth-like homeruns or tossing a football across a field, running down said field and catching it before it hit the ground. Perfect would have great careers in both the WWF and later WCW (as just Curt Hennig), leading to a short-lived and entertaining return to the WWE in the early 2000’s. Sadly, a mixture of drugs caused him to pass away back in 2003. His legacy is remembered and he was recently honored with an induction to the WWF Hall of Fame.


“The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase

Finally, someone who isn’t a downer. DiBiase’s character was that of a super-rich asshole who believed that enough cash could get anyone to do whatever he wanted. When it was decided that the WWF wouldn’t accept him as champion after buying the belt off then-champion Andre the Giant, DiBiase simply bought his own championship. Wearing a diamond-encrusted title belt covered in dollar signs (which legitimately cost more than $100,000), he was the self-proclaimed Million Dollar Champion. He is considered to be one of the most deserving men to never officially become champ and thankfully, he’s still with us. He retired from wrestling in the 90’s to become a manager. Nowadays, he is an ordained minister who works to teach younger wrestlers how to build character.

Back to the story. Mr. Perfect is angry at Heenan for ruining his match. He may be a heel, but he does have his pride.

DiBiase seems even madder for whatever reason. He really, really wants Perfect to beat the crap out of Texas Tornado. He tells his eye patch-wearing henchman that they’ll skip to plan B, before moving over to Perfect and sweet-talking him. DiBiase claims that he can get Perfect another shot at Kerry Von Erich as a gift. The two bad guys storm into the locker room, where Kerry is the only one in there. Perfect dashes over and shoulder-blocks Kerry from behind.

Kerry makes a crack about how it’s two-on-one again, but Perfect makes it clear that he doesn’t need help taking care of a loser like the Texas Tornado. DiBiase doesn’t join the fight after all, but does lock the exit shut and stands guard.

Perfect beats the hell out of the Texas Tornado. He shoves his face through a wooden bench while ranting about how he’s studied the Tornado’s moves for months, planning this beating to perfection. Outside, DiBiase bribes the janitors with a $100 bill to stay away.

Tornado finally gets his bearings and surprises Mr. Perfect by switching the advantage. He pounds on his rival, with his own rants about how Perfect needs to be a backstabbing coward to make up for the fact that he just plain isn’t good enough to win fairly. As it turns out, Perfect isn’t as alone as he had hoped. Three guys dressed as janitors loom around the room, helping him out in his fight with Kerry. One would turn on a pipe that would shoot pressurized steam into Kerry from behind, while another would push out a cart of towels to soften Mr. Perfect’s fall.

Uh… no, he didn’t. That’s a headbutt, genius.

The fight goes back and forth. Kerry notices that the janitors are helping Perfect, but Perfect himself is too oblivious and considers it “perfect luck”. Kerry finds a fire alarm and decides to go pull it, thus putting an end to this gang beating. Mr. Perfect just watches him reach for the alarm and laughs.

“Go ahead and quit! It’s the same as if I beat you! You’ll always know that you didn’t have the guts to fight me! Go ahead and prove that I’m still perfect and you’re nothing but a miserable, yellow, lowlife coward! Just like every other Texan!”

Perfect gets up and tries to run for it, devising a way to out-think Kerry. Of course, the fact that he just no-sold Kerry’s finishing move should say a lot. Kerry slips on some water (again, supplied by DiBiase’s janitor henchmen) and Perfect puts him in the Million Dollar Dream. Not his move, but why not?

The three fake janitors look on in wonder as Kerry Von Erich refuses to surrender. One asks why he isn’t giving up when there are no crowds or cameras. Nobody will ever know that he lost this fight except those in the room. I could answer this by saying that the point of a sleeper hold is to make your opponent pass out instead of submitting, but I guess that isn’t the moral they’re going with here. No, instead, Kerry holds on until Perfect slips on a puddle of water and releases the grip.

With the janitors advancing to make it four-on-one, Mr. Perfect finally gets what’s going on. Rather than going with it, he physically threatens the janitors, punches a locker and storms off. DiBiase stands outside the locked door, counting his thousands of dollars worth of “pocket change”. Mr. Perfect kicks the door off its hinges, causing it to land on DiBiase.

Passing the Million Dollar Man, Perfect points at him and says, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

DiBiase seems confused, only to be interrupted by the Texas Tornado tossing the three henchmen onto the unhinged door.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

As a side note, I’m not really sure where Kerry’s going, anyway. He forgot to change into his street clothes while in the locker room. Maybe he’s going to another locker room. Maybe I’m just over-thinking this. Moving on!

DiBiase pushes the door and his lackeys off of him. Massaging his neck, he remarks, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

See that image? There’s a Greg Land level of reuse for that Ted DiBiase headshot in this comic alone!



Six instances in one comic. That’s impressive.

Every Man has his Price: Lifestyles of the Brutal and Infamous
“The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase vs. Virgil

We start off with a television program called Affaire au Courante, which specializes in digging into the dirt of famous people. Their guest is an incredibly sweaty and nervous man, clutching a manila envelope at all times. He is Harold Wimply, the Million Dollar Man’s accountant. Inside his envelope is enough evidence to put Mr. DiBiase away forever, whatever that’s about. But first, they show footage that he secretly taped the last time he visited his boss.

We see that his hallways are decorated with such things as chandeliers covered in dollar signs, or granite statues of the Million Dollar Man in his wrestling gear. He even has a large painting that’s nothing but light green dollar signs placed over a dark green background. It’s mentioned that this isn’t his only mansion, just his favorite mansion. Part of the “footage” shows him walking into the kitchen with Virgil, wolfing down a handful of caviar and boasting, “Ah, I do like the sophisticated life!”

What’s that? I didn’t explain who Virgil is?


Virgil

Virgil was DiBiase’s manservant and usual fall guy. If the Million Dollar Man was about to get torn apart by some pissed off face, Virgil would step in and take the beating, allowing his boss to run away. Around the time of the comic, Virgil grew sick of DiBiase’s abuse and turned on him. Notice how he’s wearing the Million Dollar Championship belt in that picture? It’s hard to believe he had a belt in the first place, considering I can recall seeing him win maybe three matches in his entire wrestling career. Let’s see… he beat DiBiase to win that belt for like a month… he once defeated Bastion Booger… uh… hm. It’ll come to me.

So anyway, DiBiase later walks into his personal gym (with 24-karat gold weights, natch) and is shocked – SHOCKED – to find Virgil in there using his equipment. Virgil’s kind of cool about it, saying that he didn’t think the boss would mind, but DiBiase has a fit. Virgil is supposed to be a bodyguard, not a wrestling contender! DiBiase keeps trying to tear Virgil apart, but the bodyguard merely tries to apologize and get the hell out of dodge. Virgil gets away, but DiBiase is still plenty pissed.

If that guy in yellow follows up his thoughts with “Jake the Snake”, fire his ass immediately.

DiBiase storms into the next room, where he has a ring set up and a bunch of guys hired to allow him to beat the crap out of them. Meanwhile, Virgil hides out in the fitting room, where a seamstress has just finished DiBiase’s new suit. She suggest that Virgil just delivers the suit to the boss, thereby calming him down and putting him in a better mood. Instead, DiBiase thinks Virgil is trying to steal his jacket and pounces at him. The two begin brawling, this time with Virgil fighting back. He gets the better of DiBiase and storms off, deciding that they won’t talk after all.

To calm himself down, DiBiase does what Scrooge McDuck would do. He goes into his special money vault and swims around for a while. Unlike McDuck, he actually has bills in there, making it many times less neck-breakingly dangerous.

They brawl yet again, this time traveling all around the mansion. Rooms from past scenes see the rich wrestler and his disgruntled manservant pound away at each other while making a complete mess out of things. This goes on and on until they’re on a balcony and DiBiase shoves Virgil off into the pool below. Virgil expects to be fired, but DiBiase – now completely calm – decides no. He found their fight to be refreshing and somewhat of a challenge. Virgil can stay.

Back to the studio, Mr. Wimply is about to open his incriminating envelope, when one of the Million Dollar Man’s flunkies steps onto the set with a second, thicker envelope. Wimply fearfully looks at its contents, then smiles widely. He burns the first envelope, tells the host that everything he said was a lie and that the tape was completely doctored. With a whole lot of money in hand, he dances his way off the set as the exasperated host closes out the show.

You get it? The joke here is that Ted DiBiase is rich!

That’s one issue down. Four more to go. Let’s see who we have on the next issue…

Aw, man…

“Dangerous Secret”: Ultimate Warrior’s Workout
Ultimate Warrior vs. Sensational Sherri

We begin in a gym, where the Ultimate Warrior lifts several-hundred pounds worth of weights with no spot. Behind him is a nameless, white-haired trainer decked out in Warrior merchandise. The two announce that today, the Warrior will reveal his special training techniques.


The Ultimate Warrior

James Hellwig, the guy who played the role of the Ultimate Warrior, did an exceptional job acting as a nonsensical lunatic. Turns out that Mr. Hellwig, who would later legally change his name to “Warrior”, wasn’t really acting. Most of his career was spent in matches that lasted only a few minutes, where he’d completely demolish his opponent, get the pin and run off. This is because he really wasn’t all that good in the ring. Still, he was extremely popular for a while and it led to him holding the WWF title for nearly a year after defeating Hulk Hogan in what was strangely a good match. Their rematch that took place about eight years later, on the other hand, is considered to be one of the most laughably bad exhibitions in wrestling history.

Years after this comic, the Warrior would start up his own comic series, which featured Liefeldian art and incomprehensible storylines. Sadly, I’m probably going to pass on reviewing it, since others have done a fine enough job. Snarl.

The various techniques would be shown in comparison to his in-ring battles, showcasing how much they’ve helped him. Here’s a list of his tips:

- Anyone can lift ordinary weights, but the Warrior likes to lift massive, bulky, asymmetrical boulders shaped like people. If he can lift those, he can lift just about anything, including the over-sized Earthquake.

- In an empty football field, Warrior tries to move a mountain of cinderblocks from one side to the other, by tossing them two at a time. This translates into him tossing Ted DiBiase out of the ring.

- He runs down the street (thankfully with pants on) at speeds fast enough to blow a man’s hat clear off his head. With that maneuverability, he has no trouble countering Earthquake’s bulk and strength.

- During his running, Warrior’s nameless trainer sets a dozen or so logs loose down a hill with the intent of crushing the Warrior. Warrior tests his reflexes and agility, allowing him to not only dodge the logs, but to dodge Mr. Perfects attacks from the top rope.

He is taken out of his regiment by the cries on a young boy. The boy, hiding his Ted DiBiase dollar sign baseball cap, tells the Warrior that his aunt is sick and has collapsed nearby. The Warrior runs to her rescue, not realizing that this is actually a trick by none other than Sensational Sherri!


Sensational Sherri

Also referred to as Queen Sherri at the time, Sherri Martel was originally brought in to be part of the WWF’s women’s division, even going so far as to win the title. Once that division was phased out, Sherri was kept on the roster as a heel manager. Over the years, she would hang in the corner of such heels as Randy Savage, Ted DiBiase and Shawn Michaels. Judging from what we see in this issue, it seems she had just become DiBiase’s manager.

Sherri is sick of the Warrior constantly bulldozing through her clients. During the issue, she and her nameless towel boy have been spying on the Warrior, trying to figure out the secret behind his godly power. The kid acts loyal to Sherri, but shows admiration to the Ultimate Warrior. He’s the first in a trend of annoying kid protagonists that plague this series. See the next two stories for more.

THIRTY-SEVEN?! In a row?!

Warrior shows that despite all his physical exercise, his mind can sure use a steroid shot or two. He falls for Sherri’s ruse, but can’t figure out how she would be so frail at such a young age. Sherri says that she exercises and eats right, but it isn’t enough. She needs to know the secret that makes the Warrior so Ultimate.

Before leaving, Warrior explains. “Only from within, from the depths of the spirit can true ultimate supremacy arise. Know yourself, be yourself, and you can do anything!”

Sherri has it figured out. The Ultimate Warrior is like the wrestling version of Gladiator from X-Men. His strength is only equal to his own self-confidence. If they could somehow crush his confidence, then Warrior’s winning ways will come to an end.

She sees her opportunity. The Warrior goes to the beach and allows the overpowering tidal waves to wash over him, to show that if he can withstand something like that, he’ll have no problem shaking it off when Sergeant Slaughter beats him with a chair. Sherri figures that while he’s off doing that, they’ll have plenty of time to screw around with the Ultimate Warrior’s lair.

Sherri spies a table covered in heavy crap.

It’s not certain what’s up, but Sherri has the towel boy bolt the table to the floor. The kid doesn’t think it’s fair, but Sherri just tosses more abuse his way. The kid accidentally drops his wrench, but decides to leave it there, smirking to himself.

Back to the Warrior. He comes home, telling us that his workout is almost done. For his final trick, he goes into the kitchen and tears the sink away from the plumbing with his bare hands. Every training cycle, he takes something big and adds it to that table, making it heavier and heavier. To prove that his power keeps rising, he lifts the table over his head.

This time, nothing. He sweats and strains, but he can’t lift the table. His trainer shows up to find his buddy depressed over his failure. The Warrior sulks about how he’s finished, only to then come across the wrench. From there he realizes that the table was bolted to the floor.

“I’ve been tricked! Treachery! Nothing angers the Ultimate Warrior like treachery! And when the wrath of the Warrior rises… NOTHING CAN RESIST MY ULTIMATE POWER!”

That’s right, the angrier Warrior gets, the stronger Warrior gets. This would one day lead to Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Steve Austin, Triple H and Bret Hart making the controversial decision to send the Ultimate Warrior into space to rid the Earth of his rampages. That, in turn, would lead to the epic World War Hellwig.

Sorry, where was I?

He then lifts the table and tosses it through the wall. Sherri and her goons, in mortal danger, get the hell out of there. Sherri can’t figure out what went wrong, but her towel boy has an idea. As the Ultimate Warrior tears apart his own gym, his trainer talks to us, giving us one final tip: “Oh, and never ever make the Ultimate Warrior angry before a match!”

Without a doubt, to me, the Ultimate Warrior stories were the highlights of this series. He’s in his own little world, but he’s slightly more down to Earth than what we’re used to. I mean that in the way that I can actually understand what he’s rambling about here. He’s got two more stories, both of them less than awful, but those will be in the next article.

But now it’s time for something that’s very awful.

“Victory at Tea”: An Out-of-the-Ring Challenge!
The Bushwackers vs. The Nasty Boys

Let’s take a look at our two feuding tag teams.


The Bushwackers, Butch and Luke

Luke Williams and his “cousin” Butch Miller spent the late-80’s/early-90’s as the Bushwackers, a team of awkward and energetic New Zealanders with a taste for sardines. Known mainly for their dancing march, where they would swing their arms up and down in an admittedly iconic motion, the Bushwackers existed as fan-favorites who were mainly there to entertain the kids. The scalp-licking duo would never win the tag titles, but remain a staple of the era that WWF Battlemania documents.


The Nasty Boys, Knobbs and Sags

Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags were two over-the-top punks who would thrive on their own lack of hygiene and use it as a weapon. Early in their WWF careers, they had become tag champs and held the straps for about half a year, with manager Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart in their corner. Later, the two would become faces, but that never really got them anywhere. Now the two show up every once and a while on Hulk Hogan’s reality show.

We start the story with Knobbs and Sags tearing apart their local gym, screaming bloody murder about the Bushwackers. Jimmy Hart runs out, asking what’s wrong.

Jimmy recommends that they accept the invitation. And by accepting the invitation, he means go to the restaurant and beat the shit out of them. The Nasty Boys like that thinking and put together a big bag of weapons. None of which ever get used, which is a shame. I wouldn’t mind seeing Sags take Butch apart with an axe. Sadly, these were the days when WWF was family friendly, so none of that.

We’re introduced to our B-story, starring an annoying little douchebag named Stephen. He’s a leather jacket-wearing skater who insists people call him “Slash”. His grandmother takes him to the classy restaurant in order to teach him fine etiquette. This leads to several pages of Slash looking bored while his near-blind grandmother goes on about pinkies and correct forks and whatever. Plus there’s a booger joke tossed in there. My God, this is hilarious!

The Nasty Boys storm into the restaurant and bully the host into directing them to the Bushwackers. They find the duo in full wrestling gear plus little, gray, camouflage bowties. When the Nasty Boys demand an explanation, Butch tells them that where they come from, whenever they have bad blood with someone, it’s proper to sit down, have some tea, binge eat and work out their differences. Knobbs likes the idea, mainly for the binge eating part. Sags slams some food off the table and says that they aren’t here to talk, but to fight.

Butch breaks the teapot over Knobbs’ skull and both sides let loose with a big brawl. This goes on for a while, filled with bad puns, jokes about how bad the four guys smell, quick scenes of rich diners going, “Well, I never!” and the like.

Then back to Slash. He’s still trying to endure his grandmother’s directions on etiquette, only to be shocked out of his stupor by the sight of a screaming Butch flying overhead. Slash sees the Nasty Boys beating on Luke and gets excited. Those two heels are his favorites. He sees Butch doing the Bushwacker march back into the fight and decides to help out the Nasty Boys by spilling coffee in front of Butch and watching him slip on it.

Slash laughs, but Butch grabs him by the arm and places him back at his seat, telling him that it’s safer there. Sags grabs Butch from behind and holds him up, gloating about how he’s smarter. Suddenly, Luke runs out and kicks Sags over the nearby table. This finally gets Slash’s grandmother’s attention, as she hasn’t been able to see all that well throughout the comic. While she goes to find her spectacles, Slash gives some verbal support to Sags and tells him to get up. Sags grabs Slash and gets ready to punch him, regardless. Thank you, Sags. Butch saves Slash and tugs Sags’ arm out of whack.

This next page, I won’t even waste energy to describe. It’s too painful.

I chose to read this, you know. This is all my doing.

Finally, the Bushwackers finish off the Nasty Boys with a double-running clothesline. The manager runs in, furious at all the damage and gives them a bill. As part of the rules of a New Zealand tea party, the losers pay, so Luke shoves the bill into the unconscious Knobbs’ mouth. Their business finished, the two march out of the restaurant.

Slash’s grandmother seems sorry that Slash’s favorites lost, but Slash corrects her by stealing her hat and wearing it. His guys didn’t lose. He’s a Bushwacker fan like her! The two then do the Bushwacker march out of the restaurant together, with patrons wondering what the hell.

I hate my life.

Time for one more story. This one at least has sentimental value, since I had it as a kid.

“Wait Till I Get my Hands On Big Boss Man”: By the Mountie
Big Boss Man vs. The Mountie

In the blue corner…


The Big Boss Man

Ray Traylor was the Big Boss Man, a former corrections officer turned wrestler. At first, he was one of the many large heels brought in to feud with Hulk Hogan and would become a tag team with fellow big man Akeem. Later, he would start a memorable run as a face with a catchy theme song that lasted a couple years. He left for WCW, where he went from gimmick to gimmick in an attempt to recreate his Big Boss Man persona without the WWF screaming copyright infringement. Finally, he returned to the WWF as a hate-filled stooge enforcer for Vince McMahon. Sadly, Traylor died of a heart attack in 2004 at the young age of 42.

And in the red corner…


The Mountie

Jacques Rougeau spent some time wrestling alongside his older brother Raymond as the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers. As a way to tie in with the popular Big Boss Man gimmick, Jacques was repackaged as the Mountie, a taser-using jerk who insisted that, “The Mountie always gets his man!” Apparently, the gimmick was banned in Canada, and a lot of his on-air segments were edited off of Canadian TV. After his feud with the Boss Man, he soon became Intercontinental Champion for a brief run. Later, he would be joined by Pierre-Carl Oulett, to start a title-winning tag team known as the Quebecers. Rougeau currently runs a wrestling school.

Unfortunately, as much as I like the Big Boss Man, he doesn’t really have as big a role as you’d think. No, we get another adventure of some meddling kids. Their names are David, Jimmy and Elaine. Elaine has some awfully goofy hair.

They’re hanging out in the Canadian wilderness, enjoying their treehouse, when the Mountie shows up to be an ass. Because they don’t have a building permit, he’s thinking of taking them in. Then he gets even more furious when he discovers one of them is carrying a Big Boss Man poster. Amusingly enough, it’s the same poster that came with the second issue. The Mountie climbs into the treehouse and finds nothing but Big Boss Man merchandise. He has a fit and kicks the place into splinters.

He screams that he’s placing them under arrest, but David changes the subject by bringing up how the Big Boss Man would whup that ass. Thus begins a back and forth argument where the Mountie would explain how he thinks a fight between he and the Boss Man would go, as opposed to what the kids think.

Stuff like that, basically. Mountie says he’d break apart Boss Man’s nightstick with his cattle prod. The kids say Boss Man would use his nightstick to hit a homerun with the Mountie’s head. Mountie says he’d tie Boss Man up and leave him on the train tracks while hungry wolves come by. The kids say the Boss Man would kick him clear to the Yukon. So on and so forth.

This goes on for a while, and at one point, to show how strong he is, the Mountie picks up a tree and swings it around. (Steroids)

The kids are trying to stall him enough so that they can figure out a way to escape. One of them steals his handcuffs and cuffs the Mountie’s belt to his horse. The kids are a bit too stupid to remember that this guy just lifted an entire tree, so they’re surprised when he chases them down while dragging the horse behind him.

It all lies on Jimmy.

WWBBMD, indeed.

The answer is that if Big Boss Man was Jimmy, he’d smack a horse on the ass. Ray Traylor was kind of weird, man. But hey, it works. The horse goes running off into the distance, with the Mountie screaming all the way. Jimmy’s friends congratulate him on beating the Mountie and all is good.

I’ll cover the other five stories in the next article. The Ultimate Warrior trashes a hotel room, the Legion of Doom beat up a crooked cop and Big Boss Man finally shows up.

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6 comments to “Stone Cold Steve Ditko Presents WWF Battlemania: Part One”

  1. “That’s right, the angrier Warrior gets, the stronger Warrior gets. This would one day lead to Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Steve Austin, Triple H and Bret Hart making the controversial decision to send the Ultimate Warrior into space to rid the Earth of his rampages. That, in turn, would lead to the epic World War Hellwig.”

    Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    *wipes tear* Well done, sir.


  2. Yeah, Sting was angry about that, since he and Warrior were partners back in the day.

    “The Warrior will come back and he will throw you all out of the Royal Rumble and he will be right!”


  3. LOL at the World War Hellwig comment. SHouldn’t it be World War Warrior, though?

    Also, Undertaker should be in the Illuminati.

    Man, this stuff brings back memories. It also reminds me I need to get my hands on Wrestlemania VII so I can see Warrior’s best match ever (Warrior vs. Macho King Randy Savage).


  4. Hmmm so is Sting the Captain America figure in the “Civil Wargames” storyline that lead up to “World War Hellwig?” Where does Ricky Steamboat fit into all of this?


  5. Dollar signs in everything? Sounds like Dibiase took over Richie Rich’s mansion.

    I remember wanting these comics as a kid, but never really buying them because they were pretty expensive over here.


  6. Put Jimmy Hart or some managers