7thletter! is in effect

May 2nd, 2007 by | Tags: , , , , , ,

As you may have noticed, David “hermanos” Brothers is off finding a place to live in San Francisco. As I type this, I wonder if I should go for the more classic Northstar reference or just keep it current with something about Wiccan and Hulkling. It’s too late now.

With hermanos gone and Wanderer on a never-ending quest to find a soundtrack that perfectly syncs up with the movie the Stupids, that leaves me in charge. Sure, I could post a series of crappy Photoshops or talk about some comics you don’t care about, but it isn’t that simple. With hermanos’ absence, I have to fill in the void. It’s like the latest She-Hulk arc, “Planet without a Hulk”, only I wouldn’t deny sleeping with the Juggernaut. Think of all the media appearances you can make with that on your record.

Now, then. Here are some posts I figure hermanos would make if he was here:

– Hal Jordan sucks. The only time Hal Jordan doesn’t suck is when he’s a green space dinosaur with his junk hanging out. Thank you, Frank Miller!

– The Flash runs really fast. That’s pretty cool.

Black people.

– What’s the deal with Bulleteer in 52 Week 50 and World War III?

Bulleteer flies? Since when? Note: by bringing this up, I fill the quota for both talking about Grant Morrison and getting the attention of When Fangirls Attack. You should see the hermanos-to-Gavok ratio on articles that get linked on their site. It’s like 40:1.

With that out of the way, I should probably do one of his Who Would Win in a Fight articles. I think I’m going to go in a different direction.

Who Would Win in a…?

Black Adam and the Incredible Hulk. These days, the two share similarities. Due to complicated incidents of debatable action, they have both become great rulers, only to lose both their kingdoms and families for senseless reasons. Black Adam took his anger out on the world, which took much effort from Earth’s heroes to put an end to. In a couple weeks, the Hulk will be doing the same.

It’s World War III vs. World War Hulk! But… no fighting. That’s boring. We’re doing this Billy Madison style, with a superhuman decathlon.

Event One: Chess

If you were to sit down the Green Goliath and the Black Marvel for a civil game of chess, the first reaction would be to give the match to the calmer and more composed Black Adam. But for something as boring as chess, where thinking is key, obviously, Hulk would just revert into Bruce Banner and use his smarts to take the match. Then I remember that Black Adam has the wisdom of Zehuti, whoever that is.

Taking a trip to Wikipedia, I find, “The Greeks further declared him the inventor of astronomy, astrology, the science of numbers, mathematics, geometry, land surveying, medicine, botany, theology, civilized government, the alphabet, reading, writing, and oratory. They further claimed he was the true author of every work of every branch of knowledge, human and divine.”

Okay, then.

Decision: Black Adam

Event Two: Hotdog Eating Contest

Not hotdogs, but you get the point. Ever seen when that skinny hotdog-eating champion went up against a bear? It would be like that. Hell, I bet Adam doesn’t even like hotdogs. “Oscar Meyer” might be the new magic word Captain Marvel implemented to prevent Adam from getting his powers back.

Decision: Hulk

Event Three: Slam Dunk Contest

Green men can jump. Too far. Any attempt at a Michael Jordan impression will end with Hulk hopping into Chicago from New York. Adam, who can fly and has better aim, is able to sink a dunk, but shatters the board because even the NBA must pay for not preventing Isis’ death! And it just looks cool.

Decision: Black Adam

Event Four: Staring Contest

Right. Black Adam spent 5,000 years flying straight to Earth from space and didn’t take a moments rest. Hulk has ADD. By the time it takes Adam to even blink, Hulk would have gone through several personality shifts and smashed through at least three neighborhoods.

Decision: Black Adam

Event Five: Tennis Match

Hm. The problem here is that each guy keeps getting an out with their serve, several miles into the distance. We only brought like four balls.

Decision: Draw

Event Six: Iron Chef!

I know, I’m totally up on the pop culture fads.

The secret ingredient here is pancakes.

The Hulk just rolls up his pancakes into a big ball and eats it himself. Normally, that would disqualify him by default, but I bet Black Adam’s pancakes are fucking terrible. They’re cold and he probably gets sand all over them. The fact that the Hulk wouldn’t eat them is judgment enough of whose cuisine reigns supreme.

Decision: Hulk

Event Seven: Namor Impersonation

Easily one of the more blatantly one-sided matches here. It doesn’t even matter that Black Adam worked as Namor’s stunt double on the old 1960’s cartoon and various Love Boat guest appearances. I just don’t want to see the Hulk wearing a scaly, green speedo. It would make him look like a naked dude with a skin problem on his ass.

Decision: Black Adam

Event Eight: Simon Says

We have a problem here. The only Simon I can think of in comics is Simon Williams, AKA Wonder Man. No way are Hulk and Adam going to follow that windbag’s orders.

I’m going to give this one to Black Adam on a technicality. In the Last Avengers Story, Wonder Man killed the Hulk. Yes, Hulk did kill Wonder Man first and was vaporized by Wonder Man’s death explosion (think Captain Atom in Kingdom Come), but let’s face facts. Hulk got his ass murdered by the lamest of all Avengers. Yes, even lamer than Dr. Druid.

Decision: Black Adam

Event Nine: Dance Contest

Ouch. This one is more painful than the green speedos.

Hulk doesn’t really dance too well. If he can pull off rhythm from clapping to the music, he destroys the disco ball and causes an accidental bloodbath with all the flying glass pieces. Most of the time, he only knows how to mosh. That’s nothing special.

Black Adam is Egyptian. As an Egyptian, he only knows one dance. You know exactly which fucking dance I’m talking about. Goddamn Bangles.

Hulk’s moves are at least current. Teth Adam gets served.

Decision: Hulk

Final Event: Rochambeau

Made famous by Eric Cartman and later Deadpool, the rules are simple: take turns kicking each other in the crotch. First one down, loses.

Black Adam gets the coin flip and goes first. The joke of the game is, of course, that whoever goes first will always win. I don’t think that’s the case here. If a super-powered kick to the nuts would drop the Hulk, Doc Samson would have a winning streak against him. Another thing, if you ever kick someone in the nuts and it’s not enough to drop them, you are screwed. I know this from experience. The pain transfers into pure anger, causing the victim to briefly lose sanity due to rage. Think of what a Black Adam kick to the sprouts would do to Hulk.

Adam’s going to be knocked 5,000 light years into outer space yet again. This time, his voice is going to sound more like Mary Marvel’s.

Decision: Hulk

That makes it 5 to 4 in Black Adam’s favor. Unfortunately, due to the final event, our winner is unable to accept his prize. Accepting in his absence is third Flash, Wally West.

That’s right. You won the first trade of Flash: Fastest Man on Earth, starring Bart Allen!


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9 comments to “7thletter! is in effect”

  1. You are sooooo wrong. Dr. Druid is much lamer than WonderMan. And both fail at ultimate lame when compared to Classic Emo Swordsman. I mean at least the new guy has a reason to act all emo, what with his carrying around the skin of his dead sister and all…

  2. I’m a big-time fan of The Flash, but I’ve got no problem with that Bart-Flash diss. None, whatesoever.

  3. Good article, Vok. The funniest part is when you looked up the resume of the bloke that Adam derives his wisdom from.

    In that first panel(where he’s looking straight towards the audience) Zoom looks a bit like someone cheering on his team at a football match, or the horse he’s betting on at a race-track.

  4. New Rule: Gavok must write at least one “Who Would Win…” article a week. And DC, Marvel, Image, Valiant, Tokyopop, Del Rey, Shonen Jump, Reader’s Digest, The National Enquirer, “The Cat in The Hat,” instructions for the iPhone, grafitti art, every third spam email and the bottom of all milk cartons must publish them in all of their uncensored glory.

  5. And Hermanos finds himself justly lampooned. At least, I think. I mean, I only read Gavok’s posts, anyway, so I guess I wouldn’t really know.

  6. Re Bulleteer: Colossus threw her. Wait, that might not be right.

    I wonder if whoever decided to put her in those crowd scenes hadn’t even read Seven Soldiers? The whole point of the character was that she really wasn’t interested and definitely wouldn’t show up for those big superhero get-togethers…

    If “Black Adam versus Hulk” doesn’t get you a guest spot at Comics Should Be Good, I dn’t know what would.

  7. Gavok is an awful person and he will pay dearly for this effrontery, just you wait :colbert:

    That Adam/Hulk picture and feature is drop dead brilliant. They need a “Maiming Characters” contest. And “one lunch” is just cake.

    White people write about comics like this, black people write about comics like this!

  8. I think Wonder Man is the lamest male Avenger. Because I’m pretty sure Tigra doesn’t have cat powers, just a tail and some fur.

  9. […] can check out my other posts on Flash here. It’s all the tagged ones, anyway. This one by Gavok is probably the best, […]