While ManiacClown and I have the next installment of Ultimatum Edit to look forward to in the near future, we have, in the meantime, put together another iRiff for you folks.

Now, for those of you who have never seen or heard of Frosty Returns, allow me to explain myself.

Last year, I bought these two DVD sets of Christmas specials. Grinch, Frosty, Rudolph, Mr. Magoo, etc. Fun stuff. They were timeless classics and I was having a ball. Then, after finishing with Frosty the Snowman, I decided to try out Frosty Returns.

It honestly shredded away my holiday spirit. It was that bad. It’s already a bad sign when the animation is trumped by the prequel (if you can really call it that) from several decades prior. It’s the holiday Highlander 2 is what it is.

Understand that whether our efforts are considered good or bad, I had to do this.

So please, enjoy the Hecklevision iRiff of Frosty Returns. It’s only 75 cents. (vote five)

You don’t really have to worry about digging out a copy of the DVD or hitting Netflix. It’s okay. I got you covered.

Here’s a preview:

Check out our take on Superman in Japoteurs too, if you haven’t already. We should be having a very special iRiff up in a couple weeks that I swear to God will be absolutely amazing.

On another note, you know who has a totally kickass Christmas album? Reverend Horton Heat.

This is several days late, but like I’ve said, computer troubles. Read it anyway.

Secret Invasion has come and gone. Skrulls are old news and now the more beloved villains are beginning to step forward, forming their own little Evil Illuminati. Fittingly, they all counter the original Marvel faction in their own way.

– Tony Stark is replaced by a more ruthless businessman/inventor in Norman Osborn, who shares similar ideals on unity among the powerful.
– Reed Richards is replaced by Victor Von Doom, his eternal rival when it comes to his intelligence.
– Charles Xavier is replaced by Emma Frost, who, while heroic, could potentially do some more underhanded things to help her race. Then again, look at who I’m talking about. Xavier’s done some shady stuff already. Bendis originally wanted Magneto for the role, but you know how it is for that guy.
– Doctor Strange is replaced by the Hood, the magical avatar of the Dread Dormammu himself.
– The enigmatic and overly powerful Black Bolt is replaced by the more enigmatic and more powerful Loki, now in a female form.
– Namor, once a proud king able to own the room with his regal presence, is replaced by a meeker, disheveled and more desperate shell of himself.

Norman puts together his own Secret Society concept and tries to sell it onto the others. The two main points of interest are the mystery man – which I will get to in a second – and the suggestion by Doom to Namor that this will all lead into some kind of massive supervillain Civil War in the future.

That discussion is for another time. Let’s discuss the mystery man.

“If you so choose as to even lift a suspicious eyebrow towards me and mine… you and my friend here will have some words. Emma, you’re a psychic, I can feel you poking around in my head now… You read minds… Tell me… Am I lying?”

“No.”

“Something for even a goddess of mischief to think about.”

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There is nothing I would love more than to post the next installment of We Care a Lot or an article on Dark Reign that I was prepared to have up by the middle of today. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, that’s not going to be.

My computer is dead! Murdered! Moltar, serve the first course!

Calling Dell’s support number has proceeded to change me from being the owner of a dead computer to the owner of a dead computer that’s in a million pieces. Then the moron on the other end of the phone decides, after having me take it apart piece-by-piece, “Uh… yeah, your motherboard don’t work too good. That must be it.” Then he dials over me, hangs up and I’m supposed to pay for that shit!

Fuck that guy. I’m taking it to someplace local tomorrow to be fixed up (and be put back together), but I can’t say how long I’ll be without any computer access. But I will be back and I’ll be doing posts with a higher comment count than that list hermanos just came up with!*

*no, I won’t

See you soon. I hope.

If a child ever asks about the logic holes that come from the proposed existence of Santa Claus — such as how he can carry all those presents and travel around the world in one night, breaking into homes with no chimneys and devouring all the milk and cookies without anyone noticing — you just need to tell them one thing:

Santa Claus has both the Power Cosmic and the Speed Force. Problem solved.

Marvel needs to reveal that Santa is really the secret herald of Uatu the Watcher. He’s been watching everyone and knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, and while he cannot interfere directly, he has his jolly herald reward their behavior.

Also, just saw Punisher: War Zone. It’s like Blade in the way that the beginning and end are awesome, but there’s a lot of dullness throughout the middle. It’s like X-Men 3 in the way that characters are named after comic counterparts who barely have much to do with them. But it’s also like the last Rambo movie in being an over-the-top crazy killfest. So if that’s what you want, buy your ticket and enjoy.

Not a comic article today, but hopefully it’s still worth your time.

I have a very healthy relationship with my brothers, Geremy and Justin, though in this site’s 3 years, I never brought either of them up. Justin is currently a schoolteacher while Geremy is… something else. Something else entirely.

He’s always been big into music and his various musical exploits had evolved into a rock group called The Fever, which hung around New York City several years back and released several albums during their tenure. He took the helm as lead singer. Here, have a music video.

He’s moved onto other projects since the band broke up, including the creation of the short-lived MTV advertisement character Chunky Pam. He later created a non-MTV video with her about our homeland, New Jersey. Cameo appearance towards the end by my brother Justin as the Sopranos-esque mystery man at the diner.

Nowadays, he’s got a gig working for Diesel, the jeans company. For their site, he writes and directs short movies that even I have trouble wrapping my head around. But he’s my brother and I love him, so I go with the flow.

The pride and joy of the Diesel video collection is The Rise and Fall of Pete the Meat Puppet. He wrote it, directed it and even performed the overly catchy song. Watch it and enjoy your impending nightmares.

You might be better off just going to the YouTube page for it, since they have it in high def.

Looks like the short is taking off a bit, since it got featured on G4’s Attack of the Show. Sweet.

Geremy’s warned me about how Pete looks even more messed up in color and showed me a picture to prove his point. It’s… not pleasant.

He was also behind Hair Bath, a series about an attractive woman disturbingly obsessed with your hair.

You can check out more of his stuff, including the further adventures of Pete the Meat Puppet, at Diesel.com. Send in your hair if you can fit it into your schedule and buy… Diesel jeans…? I guess?

(Really, though, I don’t know what the fuck.)

Last time on the Venom Marathon, we discovered that the symbiote is an entity that can extrude itself as a molecular filament and travel along communication cables. In other words, Carnage Unleashed is the greatest awful comic of all time. Yet somehow, Marvel brass decided that Larry Hama should continue writing the series.

Continue he did, with Sinner Takes All. Had they gone with a real numbering system, this would be Venom #31-35, meaning that we’re halfway into his series. I have fonder memories of this one merely because as a kid, I had the entire five issues. Boy were they big issues. The first four came with a Jury back-up story that I’ve never cared about enough to actually read. The fifth issue came with a quick Venom story that I’ll get to after this Sin-Eater business.

The artist here is Greg Luzniak (Ted Halsted takes over for the last issue), who had a really nice art style for the most part. The catch was that his Venom, as you can see, is a little bit overboard.

Yikes. From what I understand, Hama is less into the superhuman and more into badasses armed to the teeth, so this storyline comes more natural to him.

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Um… let’s not make eye-contact. Just move on.

To bring us up to speed, Venom left his life in San Francisco as a Lethal Protector to the secret underground city behind so he could visit New York City and throw down with Carnage. Carnage was already taken care of, so Venom fought the newly-christened Scarlet Spider, who knocked him out and led to his apprehension. Now Eddie Brock and the symbiote are separated and incarcerated by the government.

This brings us to Separation Anxiety (Venom #23-26) written by Howard Mackie and drawn by Ron Randall.

In a bout with splitting hairs, I always found it interesting that they named a videogame after this story. For one, the game’s story isn’t based on Separation Anxiety, but Lethal Protector. Second, the game is meant to be a sequel to Maximum Carnage, even though that story came after Lethal Protector. Third, even though Carnage had nothing to do with Lethal Protector, they toss him in as the final boss for the hell of it. Hey, they did have those sprites lying around from the last game.

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I don’t care much about Mark Millar’s Old Man Logan arc in the pages of Wolverine one way or the other, but I don’t get this part. Logan and Hawkeye drive around South Dakota and pass this.

The Venom symbiote just chilling on the side of a mountain. No reference to it anywhere. It’s just that panel. The hell is that about?

Anyway, before I get into the next Venom arc, we should take a look at Marvel Comics Presents #160-163. There were no Venom appearances in these issues. There were stories involving Tigra, Slapstick, Hawkeye and Vengeance, but nothing with Venom. Why is it so important? Because it introduces a character named Mace.

Mace is a character created by Carl Potts. Through the four issues, he writes an origin for him as basically the Japanese Wolverine. A criminal organization called the Sunrise Society takes the cloned DNA of a skilled martial artist and has it genetically engineered to create the perfect warrior. Since the Society is paranoid and thinks the scientist that created Mace is a traitor, they have him killed. The scientist is quick to destroy all of his notes, making Mace one-of-a-kind. Using his new cyber ninja skills, Mace escapes the Sunrise Society and knows freedom for the first time in his life.

He’s armed with a cybernetic mace, a healing factor, a laser gun that’s fine-tuned to the tattoo on his arm so it only works when he’s holding it, special vision abilities and… you don’t care. I don’t care. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared about Mace other than Carl Potts. That’s why we have Venom: The Mace (Venom #16-18 for those keeping track), featuring the superhero team-up that NOBODY asked for.

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I love YouTube. Did I ever tell you that? Well, I do. There’s so much great stuff to be found within.

The other day, I went on a voyage into its dark underbelly to discover some rather interesting superhero-related commercials. Some of it is too great not to share.

It all started when someone brought up this odd commercial about Ralph Nader discussing kryptonite. I haven’t the slightest clue what this is even about and I suspect nobody does other than Nader himself.

That opened the floodgates.

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You may have noticed that I haven’t been writing too much in the past week or so. After Ultimatum Edit, I needed to take a little breather, which I’ve been using to play the hell out of Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe and lay down my lines for my next iRiffs project. My iRiff for Japoteurs isn’t doing too bad and was at a point listed as the top short on the site. For those of you who bought it, I thank you. For those of you who don’t, c’moooooon!

(vote 5 too)

So, earlier today Esther Inglis-Arkell-Contessa-Louisa-Francesca-Banana-Fanna-Bo-Besca-the-Third posted some nonsense about how badly Bucky Barnes would murder Nightwing. God, this again? It doesn’t really matter. It’s whoever the writer feels would win. Hell, I could write a story about D-Man defeating Galactus if Marvel asked me to do it.

Eh? Hello, Marvel? Anything? No? …Fine.

She even made a post a while back about Superman vs. Batman in a fight. Really? In latter 2008? People are still talking about that?

Come on, people! Superman fighting Batman has been done to death. Goreless, underwhelming and disappointing death that isn’t worth looking up movelists on the internet and… sorry. MKvDC “Heroic Brutality” flashbacks.

We need to move on. The Superman vs. Batman slugfest is old hat. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking Superman vs. Batman…

DANCE OFF!

Yeah! Now, this is like the opposite of the fighting. When it comes to duking it out, Superman has the advantage and Batman is the underdog. At first glance, Batman should have this in the bag. Not only does the cast of Shortpacked think he’s the Dark Knight of the Dance, but Prince wrote a cheesy song about it.

That’s just conjecture. I’m dealing with cold, hard facts.

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