So right now, The Top 100 What If Countdown is winding down. It’s almost obligatory that by the time this is over, I’m going to have to make some kind of epilogue post that includes my own ideas for what could make for decent What If issues. I mean, I’ve read every issue of that thing and spent 3 months so far talking about how many times the Phoenix has gone crazy and blown up the universe. You have to trust me to have some insight here.

Anyway, there have to be some readers out there who are either artists, or know an artist who needs something to do. While writing my own 1-2 paragraph What If concept summaries could possibly be amusing, it would be even better if I can toss in some actual cover images for these made-up issues. Like, for example, the first cover of Power Man and Iron Fist, only Iron Fist running replaced with Spider-Man swinging and Jameson tossed into the background collage. Something like that.

So if there is anyone curious and possibly willing to do a cover or two, email me at jaguartooth (at) gmail dot com.

Jade Reporting looks to do for games what When Fangirls Attack does for comics. Go give them a look. We were linked due to Gavok’s MK article here.

Okay, I’ve got some room to breathe, so let’s close some tabs and hit you guys off with some knowledge!

Seven Soldiers #1 is almost here! Scope the seven page preview for a look at what is sure to be a great finale to the best megaseries ever. Oh, baby, October 25th can’t come quick enough!

I’ve got a three part interview with Brian Azzarello that is honestly a must-read. Part one, part two, and part three. As usual, 100 Bullets is the best comic ever go buy it blah blah Loveless blah blah Deathblow blah blah awesome. Seriously, Azz writes great stuff, so check his interviews and buy his books. We get confirmation (again, possibly) that DC is going to support 100 Bullets through to the end, so I’m a happy camper.

Lisa Fortuner discusses the uncanny valley in comics and I pop up in the comments feed. This could turn out to be an interesting discussion, but only I’ve commented so far.

Gavok is a stupidhead. That’s not a link or anything, I just wanted to let you know that he’s got a funny face.

Now, I’ve got a personal rule on this site, which I’ve technically already broken by writing about Patriot a while back. I don’t like to talk about comics that I don’t like. I do enough of dealing with stuff I dislike in real life, you know? I don’t hold Gavok or Thomas to this rule, it’s just a personal thing. I don’t like to talk about bad comics unless I can get a laugh out of it or there’s some larger point behind it. Bruce Jones on Nightwing? :loleyes:. Winick on [variable]? 😆 again. Millar on Civil War?

I could say a lot. Instead, I’ll just say this: read Giffen on Annihilation instead. It’s the best “big event” going on right now. Civil War has had some sweet tie-ins (Wolverine, Captain America) but the main series is a joke.

On the other hand, Annihilation has Drax and his young sidekick Cammi, a not-stupid Richard “Nova” Rider, Gamora, planets exploding, Galactus as a weapon of mass destruction, Annihilus with the quantum bands, Annihilus killing Quasar to get the quantum bands, Quasar being killed, Thanos as scheming trickster god, and Phyla-vell. It is excellent and well worth your time. Also, Quasar died in it.

More detailed content later on. I need to take some time to chillax. I updated the sidebar, by the way. Can you tell what’s new?

I’ve seen this in various places (specifically BSS and Newsarama) and I figure it’s worth a bit of wider notice.

You’re publisher at DC for a day. You can change three creative teams, create three new books, and cancel three to make room for the new ones. What do you do? Show your work.

New Teams

Wonder Woman

Heinberg isn’t working for me. In fact, I hate it. His book reads like he’s finally got a chance at the character, so he’s going to throw in every stupid trope ever. The Dodsons are pitch-perfect, however, so they can stay. The new team would be Joe Kelly and The Dodsons. Kelly was the one writer on JLA who made me genuinely and truly like Diana, so he deserves another crack at her. His Diana was a warrior and generally awesome. I’d like to see his treatment of her post-Crisis. If the Dodsons are unavailable, I’d love for Doug Mahnke to take another shot at drawing the Maid of Might Princess of Power Thunder from Down Under— does WW have a catchy subtitle? Mahnke’s “wet-hair Wonder Woman” (so-called by one Thomas Wilde) is the best version of her I’ve ever seen. It worked.

Teen Titans

This book has been crazy downhill for ages and DC needs something relatively childsafe. Put Daimon Scott and Skottie Young on art and let Ty Templeton write. Ty’s old work on Batman Adventures was better than a lot of the more mainstream bat-stories. He can bring kid-friendly stories with adult sensibilities to the table, and Scott and Young bring some hyper-expressive and awesome art… let ’em go wild.

JLA

Meltzer’s run has been wack, just like Heinberg’s on WW. Replace Meltzer with… hm. I’d say replace him with Dwayne McDuffie. He definitely knows the JLA well enough to do a rocking job. Give him Doug Mahnke on art because I love Mahnke. If not Mahnke, make it Justiano for some bright and shiny superheroics.

New Books

ZOOM

The creative team would be David Brothers and Gavin Jasper Geoff Johns on words and Karl Kerschl on art. The idea came from something that Mr. Gavok and I bounced around one night over IRC. Here’s the angle:

Bart Allen, Flash, is in trouble. Gorilla Grodd not only has him on the ropes, but is inches away from killing him. He’s groggy, and Grodd has telepathically turned off his access to the Speed Force and the calming words of Grandpa Barry, Wally, and Max. In short, Bart is in trouble deep. His heart sinks as he hears a voice begin speaking.

“Barrrrrrt Allen. Flaaaash.” The voice pauses. “Fastestmanalive.”

It’s Zoom. Wally’s worst enemy and a man who gave Bart nightmares. He flashes into and out of visibility and time. He is directly in Bart’s face, at his side, and below him, studying him. Grodd laughs and welcomes his comrade. He doesn’t even see Zoom turn before Zoom is right in his face.

“GorrillaGrrrrrrrrrodd,” Zoom says. “Monkey.” Grodd’s face falls and twists in anger.

What happens next can only be described as a dismantling. Zoom takes Grodd apart, shattering almost every bone in his body and putting him out like a light. He turns back to a shocked Bart.

“Hunter Zolomon. Zzzzzzoom. Fastestmanalive. Show me how tobeabetter herrrrrro.”

(I swear, I didn’t do this blog post just so I could post that. Well, not totally.)

After the Crisis and Rogue War, Zoom realizes that he has no one to blame but himself for his troubles. He was not the hero he thought he was, and he lost his wife because of it. He turns to the one man left alive who he can connect with, Bart Allen, Flash. Zoom is going to become a (better) hero and he’s going to learn at the feet of a man who is tied to a heroic legacy, whether he wants to teach him or not.

Fourth World

The team is Grant Morrison and Walt Simonson trading back and forth on writing chores, while Jamal Igle and Walt Simonson handle art chores. I think that working from a Morrison or Simonson script could push Jamal, an already incredible talent, into the stratosphere. Morrison and Walt are the only two who have shown themselves able to properly handle the Fourth World, anyway, so give them the book, let them go wild, and keep Byrne away from it. I see this as a kind of antholgy title, with an A story and a B story, both of which are 16 pages long and written by either Grant or Walt. I want some bright and shiny and incredible Kirby, and those two are the ones to do it.

Gotham Confidential

This would be another anthology, this time starring Slam Bradley, Jason Bard, Eel O’Brian, and Harvey Bullock, or perhaps Montoya depending on how 52 shakes out. In short, the supporting cast of Gotham City. The writers would be Brian Azzarello, David Lapham, Darwyn Cooke, and Will Pfeifer. I’d like to see a rotating team of artists, from Cooke to Lapham to Eduardo Risso to Kano to maintain the noirish feel. Total vanity title here, guys.

Cancelled Books

Outsiders: Wack.
Green Arrow: Wack.
Flash: The Fastest Man Alive: Just so-so, but my idea is better and builds out of this series, so it has to go.

(DC, seriously, I would write ZOOM for free holler at a brothers man c’mon)

The What If issue where Storm became the Phoenix was a piece of crap, but I still respect it for one reason. It’s the only What If appearance I can recall of this guy:

Though considering his series started around the same time What If ended, it’s not so surprising.

25) WHAT IF THE NEW FANTASTIC FOUR HAD REMAINED A TEAM?

Issue: Volume 2, #78
Writer: Chuck Dixon
Artist: Enrique Alcatena
Spider-Man death: No
Background: Early in the 90’s, a fake Invisible Woman convinced Spider-Man, Wolverine, The Hulk and Ghost Rider that the Fantastic Four had died and that they needed to fill in for a bit. This led to a story involving Skrulls, monsters and Moleman that ended with the revelation that the real Fantastic Four were really alive. The fake Invisible Woman, a Skrull with limited psychic powers, tried to blast the Fantastic Four with some kind of power ring, but nothing happened. Reed had stolen the ring before she could use it. In this reality, the Skrull lady fires a second before Reed can successfully make the steal.

We begin with Wolverine, Spider-Man and Hulk mourning at the funeral and discussing how badly they screwed up. Ghost Rider appears (which Logan appreciates, since he needs to light his cigar) and says that the loss of the Fantastic Four creates a void. They should stay a team and try and fill that void in order to redeem their failure.

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No, seriously. This can’t just be me.

I love outlines. I think that they’re an awesome storytelling trick. I am not a huge Superman fan, but one way to get me interested in a scene featuring him is to put him in all black with only his glowing red eyes or chest emblem visible. The chest emblem makes no sense on a lighting level, yes. I know. I was going to go to art school before I realized that I was good at words, not pictures.

But, isn’t it cool?

This spread is from Ed McGuinness, JLA Classified #2, I believe. The JLA are out in our world, the real world, and have been trying to maintain the status quo. They get info from the new Squire that things have gone bad on DC-Earth. What does the JLA do?

They use a boom tube to get back to their universe.

I love it.

I don’t know why Aquaman is back there, though. You can tell that Ed McG had an awesome scene in mind until he realized, “Oh, wait… Aquaman has to be in here, too! :argh:”

I am still crazy-go-nuts swamped with work. I’ll deliver you guys some content by the weekend, I promise. Tomorrow, all things being equal, we’ll have a guest article, or perhaps a guest reprint up from my old buddy Mark Poa. Stay tuned, true believers!

D-Man!

I’m currently swamped with paying work, which is why Gavok is carrying the site right now, but I’m not too tired to hit you with a copy/paste from Wikipedia!

[S]upercop John Spartan, aka “The Demolition Man”, is paroled from the cryoprison for the purpose of apprehending Phoenix. Spartan’s cryoprison sentence came from the fact that as he tried to apprehend Phoenix, he miscounted Phoenix’s cruelty in killing the passengers of a city bus which had somehow ended up in the area. Since he knew he’d done a thermocheck at the beginning of his mission, Spartan couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t detect the bodyheat of any of the passengers. He never thought at the time that they were dead, and therefore weren’t generating any heat whatsoever.

Hmm… that may not be the right Demolition Man.

Whatever! This one is way better and has an actual nemesis. Simon Phoenix is awesome.

This article is dedicated to all the Human Torch and Sub-Mariner fans out there. Why? Because anyone else is probably going to be bored out of their skulls.

30) WHAT IF…? STARRING SECRET WARS: 25 YEARS LATER

Issue: Volume 2, #114
Writer: Jay Faerber
Artist: Gregg Schigiel
Spider-Man death: Yes
Background: The all-powerful Beyonder brought a group of heroes and a group of villains onto a planet he created to battle for his amusement. The storyline is known for introducing the Venom symbiote, putting She-Hulk in the Fantastic Four and for one of the funniest movies on YouTube. Dr. Doom, using his own genius, found a way to steal the power of Galactus and challenge the Beyonder. He then stole the Beyonder’s power too, but things went to Hell and he ended up back to his usual ugly self. So if Galactus is powerful enough to challenge the Beyonder, why didn’t he? And what if the fight between the two ended with both of them dying? Toss in Reed Richards’ death for flavor.

The story begins on the 18 birthday of Balder Blake, otherwise known as Bravado (son of Thor and the Enchantress). As he does every year, he tries to lift Mjolnir, his father’s hammer. He still can’t lift it, despite the support of his friends Crusader (daughter of Captain America and Rogue) and Mustang (son of Hawkeye and She-Hulk). They return to his house to find a surprise party waiting for him. It’s there that we meet his other friends Torrent (daughter of Wolverine and Storm) and Firefly (son of Human Torch and Wasp). As the story goes, the Secret Wars lasted for about five more years with many casualties until the two sides decided to call a truce. Now, for the most part, they and their children live in harmony.

There’s also Symbiote Spider-Man. He acts a bit creepy, talking in “we speak” that Venom was so famous for. Plus he’s a bit anti-social. Curious…

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We’re almost done with the Malibu MK series. When we last left our heroes, Sonya was kidnapped by Kintaro, who claimed Shao Kahn had plans for her. Liu Kang and his new friend Bo defended against ninjas that repeatedly came out of the fucking blue. Johnny Cage and Jax were challenged by Smoke and Jade on an airplane. And Bullwinkle signed a contract to be a lounge singer, not realizing that his agent is really the nefarious Boris Badenoff!

Oh yeah. That too.

Smoke and Jade try to attack Jax and Johnny with their own strategies. Smoke uses the strategy of turning into pure smoke while Jade uses the strategy of having her tights hiked way up her buttcrack. The heroes counter this by making a couple Gone with the Wind references before knocking them through a hole in the plane. That… might make more sense if you read the comic.

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A quickie!

David Mack, (very informative site here), is one of my most favorite creators. Kabuki: The Alchemy is hands down the best comic Marvel puts out and the second best comic being published after my beloved 100 Bullets. His Echo – Vision Quest arc on Daredevil was a high point for the series and for Wolverine in particular.

What I’m trying to say is that David Mack is the man and you would do well to read his works. If anything, pick up the first few issues of The Alchemy. They’re well worth your time and I guess are “deep” comics if you want your pretentious comic artsnob card.

I prefer to call them “good” comics, myself. Mack has a lot of interesting things to say about life and living. Check it out. Also his first name is awesome and that practically makes us brothers (see what i did there?).

(I kind of feel like I’m doing Mack a disservice by not mentioning the art on Kabuki or Echo, but, crap, man. I don’t think I could do him justice. His stuff just works and it all goes toward servicing the story. There is a reason why Kabuki forms her thoughts as a children’s book in a recent issue, and it isn’t because she’s writing one. It’s because children’s books are meant to teach.)