Merry Christmas! We end our penultimate week on a day about Jesus being born, Barney getting his Pebbles, Pre-Crisis Dick Grayson laying an egg and me getting both a Spider-Man chalice and tickets to Spider-Man Musical Deathtrap 2011. God bless us, everyone!

Last we checked, Loki got run over by a reind–er, Thor. Now he appears to be at the Ultimates’ mercy… or is he?! Forgive the lack of punchlines as it’s almost entirely Loki talking here and we really needed to move the plot forward, verbally.

And another issue bites the dust. Thanks to ManiacClown for putting up with my absolutely horrible holiday retail schedule. We’ll be back soon for the conclusion of the Ultimate Holiday Wars. In the meantime, enjoy Iron Maiden doing a cover of a Gary Glitter Christmas song.

Hey, it’s Christmas Eve! Meaning we’re almost done here. For yesterday’s installment, Thor roughed up Iron Man pretty badly. Then Hela and Valkyrie hung out and left their pants at the door. Now it’s time for Thor vs. Loki.

Apologies to ManiacClown, who suggested a couple changes to me, but I kind of forgot what he said. So if this isn’t any good, it’s my fault. Tomorrow, we finish things off with a little more backstory.

Day Seven!

The Holiday Wars Continue! Yesterday, Thor went through Zarda like a hot knife through butter and now it’s Iron Man’s turn. Join us as we take a quick trip to Hela’s place where pants appear to be completely optional for all women.

Man, that “Mila Kunis” running gag really doesn’t have legs past the initial gag. Oh, well. By tomorrow’s installment, Loeb will realize that he really needs to move the story forward and we’ll finally get some Thor vs. Loki action.

Thanks to ManiacClown, who has a better idea than I do about whatever Hela is talking about.

Day Six!
Day Seven!

Yesterday showed that Enchantress is not quite dead after all, but she’s been written out of the story anyway. Loki’s master plan is still cruising along, Thor is slaughtering trolls by the score and Frank Cho was nice enough to sneak in my beloved Sagat Troll yet again. Now it’s time for everyone to remember that Zarda exists.

Thorchantress got some impressive hang time on that decapitation. Check it out, the rain moves but the head and blood don’t.

Thanks again to ManiacClown, who wanted to make Chyna jokes in terms of Zarda. Yeah, I… I don’t want to think about that woman in any capacity if that’s okay with you…

So anyway, we’ll be back next time with Thor’s rampage and surprisingly a scene that does NOT have Thor in it.

Day Five!
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Day Seven!

In our last installment, Thor knocked Captain America into the distance and got all solemn around Valkyrie’s corpse. Let’s see what Loki’s up to during all this.

Me and ManiacClown will continue to join forces tomorrow as Thor continues to be pissed off.

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Day Seven!

The holiday special continues off of yesterday’s intro, where Thor returns from the dead to find Captain America dealing with the dead body of Valkyrie. The last line was, “I care not what Captain America says –” and I hope there’s at least one SNL fan out there who knows where this is going…

Thanks to ManiacClown for his help. Join us tomorrow as Thor is STILL pissed. I’m pretty much going to be saying that for the rest of the week, aren’t I? The issue is 90% “Thor is pissed off.”

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Day Seven!

Welcome to a special holiday edition of New Ultimate Edit. Those of you paying attention may have noticed that Ultimate New Ultimates #4 came out two months ago. Due to scheduling conflicts, ManiacClown and I couldn’t get on it immediately like we’ve done with all the other Loeb/Ultimate stuff. As it took longer for us to get to it, we found that it brought sadness and annoyance to… well, nobody really. Not a single person noticed. Nobody cried foul or asked, “Hey, whatever happened to that thing you guys used to do?”

Not that I blame them. The whole thing has become moot. New Ultimates isn’t even that bad. I wouldn’t exactly call it good, but it lacks the apocalyptic, “How did this get made?!” horror that came from Ultimates 3 and especially Ultimatum. Plus Jeph Loeb has left comic writing behind, at least for the time being. Now he’s hanging out in Marvel’s animation division, meaning that the next issue of New Ultimates is his last.

Still, ManiacClown and I felt compelled to at least finish what we started. There are only two more issues left to cover, then we can lay the Ultimate Edit Trilogy to rest. Considering the holiday season kills my productivity due to having a retail job, this issue being a Thor-centric entry and our habit of writing Thor as Santa Claus, it came natural to save it for the week of Christmas. So here we are.

Let’s review, since it’s been a while. Issue one had the Defenders appear with superpowers. They proceeded to steal Mjolnir from Valkyrie and gave it to Loki. In the second issue, the Enchantress mind-controlled most of the women and had them beat up the more high-profile Ultimates as part of Loki’s master plan to conquer Earth. Then in the third issue, the low-profile Ultimates saved the day, Loki’s forces were shot an awful lot and Valkyrie’s death brought the return of a really pissed off Thor.

In tomorrow’s update: Thor is still pissed.

Day Two!
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Day Seven!

This week brought the end to one of the more enjoyable Marvel miniseries of the year in Avengers & the Infinity Gauntlet. Written by Brian Clevinger (of Atomic Robo and 8-Bit Theater fame) and Lee Black with art by Brian Churilla (the Anchor), it’s a very fun and all-ages reimagining of the Infinity Gauntlet storyline. Rather than have a bunch of heroes run headfirst into a gruesome death by Starlin’s second favorite character, only so that Starlin’s first favorite character can be the one to stop him, Clevinger goes a different route. The group of heroes sent to figure out what’s wiped out half the universe is made up of Spider-Man, Ms. Marvel, Hulk, Wolverine, Doctor Doom and US Ace. Yes, that space trucker from the awful US-1 comics of yesteryear.

The real star of the comic is Dr. Doom, mainly because of his dynamics with the rest of the cast. He hates Spider-Man for his lack of respect and penchant for annoying humor. He hates Ms. Marvel for daring to give Doom orders. He hates Hulk for being an imbecile. He hates Thanos for being one level above him in the megalomaniac game. He hates US Ace for being a ridiculous space hick. He hates Wolver… actually, he sort of almost seems to respect Wolverine just because they see eye-to-eye as the straight men of the group.

It’s a fun four issues and I can’t wait to check out Clevinger’s Captain America: The Fighting Avenger in January. But that’s not what this post is about. You see, Avengers & the Infinity Gauntlet has this subplot about the Skrulls and Kree joining forces to destroy Earth (long story). There’s a sequence that shows the people of Marvel Earth from all over the globe responding to this. Nick Fury, Mole Man, civilians trying to stay alive, etc. One panel shows the Punisher trying to fight back against the alien invasion. He’s surrounded by flame and… er… the bad choice of coloring hit me by surprise.

Hey, now! Hm… Then again, the guy’s already killing people on the streets. It’s not like public indecency is going to add that many years to his 329 back-to-back life sentences. Still, be warned: if you mention “Micro” around Frank Castle, you BETTER make sure he knows you mean his hacker sidekick.

I jabbed Clevinger about this and this is what he had to say about the Punisher’s Naked Kill:

😀 Lee and I never got to see a color proof for issue 4, so this panel came as quite a surprise. Looking at it now, I’m not sure if we’d have said anything or not. I mean, we got to include the phrase “meanest mother trucker” and show Wolverine killing a guy on panel in an all ages book. Why not go balls out and have Punisher, uh, go balls out?

It’s nice to see him taking it in stride like this. Since he’s been so cool about me poking fun at Frank’s exposed shotgun and grenades, I thought I’d do him a solid. Right here, right now, you’re getting a 4thletter! exclusive. Cross your fingers, but I’m hoping Marvel could use this for the cover for the Avengers & the Infinity Gauntlet trade.

What courage. I would never allow that thing anywhere near Wolverine’s claws!

…what? I meant the beach ball.

Time to finish off yet another week. Yesterday’s antics saw the Ultimates overwhelm the enemy with their explosive badassitude. Then Hawkeye took Enchantress out of the game with an arrow to the heart. Considering she got shot in the heart and I’m from New Jersey, consider yourself damn lucky that I chose to give this scene a Motley Crue soundtrack instead of Bon Jovi.

After finishing all that up, I instantly got another idea for that death scene, so here’s an alternate take on page 22 for any Morrison fans out there.

As always, thanks to ManiacClown for his assistance. See you again after about three more release delays. Unless you’re the kind of guy who checks out this site normally, which is even sweeter.

Previously on New Ultimate Edit, the Ultimates regrouped after being made to look like buffoons by some monster army from another world. Carol talked to Clint, Tony talked to Carol and Clint and Clint talked to Steve. That’s enough of a breather for them to raid every gun closet in the Triskelion so they can teach those trolls the American definition of “counter-attack”.

I’m sorry, but that song is the king of improving excessively ridiculous action sequences. This guy knows the score.

Tomorrow, we take it home and another character kicks the bucket. Only two major characters dying in a Loeb Ultimate comic? He’s starting to lose his touch.

Oh, and thanks to ManiacClown. I made Shake-n-Bake and he helped.

Day Seven!