Now that I’ve gotten settled into this list, I thought I should explain the review and ranking process. Over the past several months, I’ve watched all 23 Survivor Series shows, many of which for the first time. I graded each match as well as “The Atmosphere”, which is the term I use for the non-wrestling aspects of the show. Promos, backstage happenings, intro videos, packages, even the arena layouts if they’re anything of note. The Atmosphere counts as one match. Back when I did the Wrestlemania Countdown, I weighed it as two matches, since those segments felt more important than they do here.
Then everything is averaged out. Main events and world title matches count for double. If less than half the matches are elimination style, the elimination tag matches also count for double. I figured that would be fair, since it adds to the importance of the show’s main gimmick. If you’re only going to do the match once or twice this year, you better make it count.
With that boring explanation out of the way, let’s continue with the countdown.
Today’s episode: Shawn Michaels and His Amazing Friends Will Bury You.
21) SURVIVOR SERIES 2006
Date: November 26. 2006
Era: Cena Era
Location: Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Known as: That one where DX and their team completely obliterated the other guys
Elimination Matches: 3 out of 7
Survivor Series 2006 takes place during a very interesting time within the company. While the overall storylines aren’t especially great, it is the last moment when the company considered ECW to be almost on the level of the other brands. It was actually treated as a member of the cool kids table with Raw and Smackdown, even if it did remain Raw’s bitch. So while John Cena’s title reign had nothing going on, the King Booker vs. Batista feud was boring and the D-Generation X vs. Rated RKO feud was too one-sided to matter, we at least had Vince’s attempt to make ECW a worthwhile brand only a week before it lost its promise.
Though as an aside, it’s when WWE’s incarnation of ECW stopped trying to connect itself with the original incarnation that it really took off and became the company’s best show. That’s a discussion for another day.
Things start off beautifully with a high energy intro package that goes over nearly every match to the tune of “Are You Ready?” by Hazen Street. In terms of backstage segments, we have a fantastic King Booker promo about his main event match. Meanwhile, a pre-taped interview is shown of Michael Cole sitting with Batista, who stays completely silent until saying, “I’m leaving tonight as World Heavyweight Champion,” and walking away. Mr. Kennedy has a serious promo about his First Blood Match with Undertaker, which is interrupted by MVP trying to show that he has his back. Lita and Edge have a good promo about their respective matches, especially with how Lita plans to retire as Women’s Champion, as Cryme Tyme are shown sneaking around and coming out her locker room door in the background.
The unfortunate part of all this is how they show several ads for December to Dismember, the outright atrocious ECW PPV that they aired ONE WEEK LATER. The less said about that, the better, I suppose.
The opening match is a four-on-four elimination match of young vs. old as The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky and Mikey) face Ric Flair, Sergeant Slaughter, Dusty and Ron Simmons. The Squad has member Mitch in their corner while the Legends have Arn Anderson. It isn’t the easiest match to watch, not surprisingly. Simmons tosses around Mikey and then proceeds to beat up the entire Spirit Squad until having his leg pulled by Mitch. Simmons chases him around and gets counted out. Darn. Arn gets his hands on Mitch and delivers a spinebuster, but both corner men are told by the ref to get to stepping and hit the locker room. Big, “BULLSHIT!” chant for that.
Nicky bumps like crazy for Slaughter and the remaining faces get their licks in. Slaughter procures the Cobra Clutch, leaving him open for Johnny to kick him in the back of the head. Nicky pins the Sarge, taking him out of the match. Dusty comes in and swiftly puts Nicky away with an elbow drop. A moment or so later, Kenny rolls up Dusty and grabs him by the tights to keep him down for the three-count. Mikey takes it to Flair and punches down on him in the corner. Flair turns it around and makes it into an Inverted Atomic Drop, rolls him up and pins him while putting his legs on the ropes. Kenny comes running in, gets backdropped, is rolled up for a pin and is also sent packing. That leaves Johnny, whose leg is worked over and taps out to the Figure Four. These are mostly just the results, but everyone on Flair’s team who wasn’t Flair or Simmons looked like shit. That’s what you need to know. The lack of uniqueness in the Spirit Squad didn’t help.
The Spirit Squad regroup back into the ring and beat up Flair after the match. Kenny hits a legdrop off the top rope.
Chris Benoit defends the United States Championship against Chavo Guerrero, which is an unfortunate angle that tries to incorporate Eddie Guerrero’s death as a selling point. It begins with some great aggression from each side, going all out with their respective offense. Early into the match, Benoit slaps on the Crippler Crossface, but Vickie Guerrero puts Chavo’s foot on the rope to break the hold. While I don’t agree with the use of Eddie, that doesn’t stop it from being a very crisp and hostile match between the two. Chavo screams at Benoit and tells him to stay out of his business, misses a haymaker and gets pulled in for three consecutive German Suplexes. Vickie tries to stop Benoit from performing the headbutt off the top, but Chavo moves out of the way anyway. Chavo hits a suplex, follows with a Frog Splash, but Benoit kicks out.
Chavo yells some more at Benoit, but gets grabbed into a Sharpshooter. Before it can be locked on, Chavo punches Benoit in the head. Benoit tries the move again and accidentally gets shoved right into Vickie on the apron. Chavo responds with a School Boy from behind, but it’s turned into a Crippler Crossface from Benoit and Chavo has no choice but to tap. On commentary, JBL is pissed at Benoit being propelled into Vickie because, “You don’t hit a woman!”
Lita defends the WWE Women’s Championship against Mickie James in what is to be Lita’s farewell match. The match is based on Lita holding the offense for most of it, which is both boring and sloppy. I find myself more intrigued by whatever it is Mickie is wearing under her skirt. Is she wearing underwear over underwear or does she have one big tan line? And if it’s the former, than why is she doing that?
Once Mickie gets a couple licks in, she climbs to the top and gets grabbed for a belly-to-back suplex. Soon after, Mickie fights back again with a really sweet kick combo, ending with a roundhouse. That’s really the highlight of the match, in all honesty. Lita later hits a moonsault, but there’s a kickout. She picks up Mickie, drops her with a DDT, but Mickie grabs the rope to escape the loss. There’s a series of nearfalls, ending with a Mickie DDT. She becomes the new champion and things proceed to continue sucking.
Lita cuts one bad promo where she wants the fans to applaud her as the best Women’s Champion of all time and starts crying when they boo her. Her garbling is interrupted by Cryme Tyme, who have stolen a bunch of her stuff from the back and are carrying it in a big cardboard box. What follows is an embarrassing segment and a pretty lame way to say goodbye to one of the longest running names in the WWE’s female roster. They start selling off her panties (including JBL sniffing them first), her vibrator and I believe some vaginal ointment. With nothing left to sell, they make a joke about how they’re selling Lita’s gigantic box.
Watching this and even writing this makes me realize that maybe the WWE going PG isn’t so bad after all.
We get our second elimination match as Team DX (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy) go up against Team RKO (Randy Orton, Edge, Johnny Nitro, Gregory Helms and Mike Knox). This comes from an unfortunate time where Triple H is a mega-face, which is even worse than when he’s a mega-heel. When he’s a mega-heel, his status quo is, “You’ll get some licks in, but at the end of our feud, I’m going to win.” When he’s a mega-face, his status quo is, “I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, feud over.” He and the rest of his team play to the crowd like crazy and due to the chants from the fans, he allows CM Punk to take part of the DX, “Are you ready?” routine. The heels come out and the burial begins.
Triple H checks out Kelly Kelly, girlfriend of Mike Knox. Knox argues with him, turns around and walks into Sweet Chin Music. After the pin, Michaels amusingly acts confused, like he kicked the guy out of principle and wasn’t sure if he’d get in trouble for it. When told that Knox was one of their opponents, Michaels’ eyes widen in realization and he says, “Oh! So that was good then!”
The faces mess around with Nitro until Matt becomes the face in peril. At one point he’s even bleeding out of the mouth. He ducks a punch, hits the Side Effect and tags in CM Punk. With Matt’s assist, Punk is able to lock the Anaconda Vice on Nitro and make him tap out. Edge runs in, attacks Punk and puts him in peril. Helms gets tagged in for a minute and even breaks out the Codebreaker, well before Chris Jericho would hijack it as his own move. Orton comes in and trades punches with Punk. The crowd does the usual, “YAY! BOO!” as the two go back and forth until Orton delivers a surprise RKO and goes for the pin. Michaels runs in to break the count. Edge misses a Spear on Punk and Triple H is tagged in. Triple H squashes Helms, but Rated RKO interfere. Both Edge and Orton are tossed from the ring, with Michaels and Jeff jumping out after them with a couple splashes. Matt gets Helms with the Twist of Fate, Jeff does the Swanton and Helms is eliminated from the match.
Rated RKO, now the only members of their team left, cheese it. Team DX catch them and bring them in. Punk delivers a running knee to Edge, the Hardy Boyz follow with Poetry in Motion and Michaels finishes him off with Sweet Chin Music. Edge is pinned, leaving Orton. He tries to run again, but meets Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and another pin. On commentary, Lawler notes that this may be the first and only shutout in Survivor Series history, which is not only incorrect, but Lawler’s been in two of them!
The Undertaker fights Mr. Kennedy in a First Blood Match. Kennedy comes out to do his self-announcements all intense-like and tears off the corner pads when it’s Undertaker’s turn to come out. During this, Kennedy’s in the middle of a really cool gimmick idea. Instead of simply shoving the guy into the title scene, Kennedy decides that he’s going to go out and beat up former champions like Kane and Mysterio. Even if he wins by dirty means, saying you’ve defeated X number of former world champs makes you seem like a big deal without shooting you straight to the top. So anyway, Undertaker beats the living shit out of Kennedy. He throws him out of the ring and slams his head into every solid thing he can find. Kennedy briefly composes himself by reversing an Irish Whip and sending Undertaker into the steps. Undertaker gets back into things with a superplex and smashes Kennedy’s head into the exposed corner turnbuckles. After enduring some kidney punches, Kennedy rolls out of the ring with blood coming out of his mouth.
Luckily his on-again/off-again ally MVP is there to help out. MVP brings out a towel to wipe Kennedy’s mouth clean before the ref can see it. Then, in an act of revenge for something Kennedy did to MVP a week earlier, he throws him back into the ring so Undertaker can murder him some more. Undertaker stands over Kennedy in the corner and pummels him, but Kennedy shoves Undertaker’s head into the corner. MVP runs in with a chair, shoves the ref and accidentally hits the Undertaker instead of Kennedy. Undertaker’s head splits open. The ref gets up to see Kennedy punching down a bleeding Undertaker and calls the match as a victory for the obnoxious one. Kennedy grabs a microphone and stands over Undertaker’s body while boasting, “The winner of the match: Mr. Ken—” and Undertaker strangles him. After a beatdown, a chair to the head, a Tombstone and more punching, Undertaker finally decides he’s finished and walks away.
Our last elimination match has Team Big Show (Big Show, Finlay, Umaga, Test and MVP) vs. Team Cena (John Cena, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Bobby Lashley and Kane). As the heels make their way to the ring, MVP is paranoid that the Undertaker might show up and exact some revenge, while Finlay is angry to discover that he’s not allowed to bring his shillelagh. The match starts with Cena and Umaga brawling and Cena losing. The crowd here is certainly not on his side. He clotheslines Umaga out of the ring, but Umaga loses control and beats Cena and the other faces with a monitor. Umaga is disqualified, but the damage is done.
The heels work over RVD, but he starts making a comeback and is able to counter every heel when they make a run for him. It gets kind of ridiculous, really. Every time someone else interferes, it’s like someone’s mashing the counter button on their Playstation controller and RVD comes out of it smelling like roses. While he’s busy fighting Test on the outside and the ref is yelling at RVD’s partners, Kane sneaks into the ring, chokeslams MVP and leaves him exposed for a Five Star Frog Splash. RVD pins MVP, gets up and eats a running boot from Test. RVD is pinned and gone. Sabu tries to roll him up, but it doesn’t work and he gets thrown out of the ring. Outside the ring, Lashley Spears Test and once back in the ring, Sabu does a DDT plancha to take Test down. It’s four-on-two now.
Sabu tries a plancha crossbody on Big Show but all it gets him is caught with a chokeslam and pinned. Kane and Big Show strangle each other and the Little Bastard (Hornswoggle’s old, pre-PG name) runs through them. With the ref distracted, Finlay pulls out another shillelagh and nails Kane with it. Big Show is able to fulfill the chokeslam and Kane is out. Big Show and Finlay work over Cena until he’s able to tag in Lashley. The basic tag structure falls apart here with all four guys going at it, including a moment where Cena, Lashley and Big Show all go down thanks to a triple clothesline. Finlay carries the Little Bastard at one point, leaving him open for a Spear from Lashley while Cena catches the mischievous leprechaun. While Big Show beats on Cena, Lashley gets the pin on Finlay. He and Cena team up on Big Show for several minutes, pooling their strength against him. Big Show chokes Cena, but Lashley makes him break the hold by tackling him. Big Show bounces back against the ropes, is caught by Cena, gets held up and feels defeat thanks to the FU. Probably the most fun match of the night while working in ways the DX/Rated RKO match didn’t.
The main event is King Booker defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Batista with the rule being that if Batista loses, he’ll never get another title shot from Booker. Naturally, that means he has to win, since as a face, Batista is always one of three things: 1) champion, 2) #1 contender (even if he keeps losing) or 3) injured. Teddy Long adds the stipulation that if King Booker gets himself disqualified or counted out, the belt will be awarded to Batista. When King Booker comes out, Batista runs up the ramp and dominates him. He throws him into the ring and almost gets him with a Batista Bomb before Booker rolls out. When Booker has the ball in his court, he focuses on Batista’s throat, mainly because Batista is totally awesome when it comes to selling his throat. It’s his most redeeming factor as a face.
I notice that Batista uses other dudes’ finishers like normal moves, which is kind of weird. Like seeing him do a Jackhammer like it’s only a setup for something bigger. Anyway, there’s a lot of back and forth fighting with Booker carrying the match. Batista at one point does a shouldertackle off the top rope. I’m not sure if that’s the first time he pulled that move off or the second time he did it where Michael Cole still screamed, “I’ve never seen him do that before!”
Batista’s spinebuster isn’t quite enough, so he tries to soften Booker up some more with a clothesline. Booker ducks and turns it into a Bookend. He makes a run at a Scissor Kick, but is met with a kick to the gut and falls prey to the Batista Bomb. Luckily for him, Booker grabs the rope during the pin. Sharmell slips him the title, then climbs into the ring to confront Batista. Batista ponders the idea of giving Sharmell a Batista Bomb, ducks when Booker swings the title belt his way, steals the belt, smashes Booker with it and pins him. Batista is the champion, naturally, and JBL is angered by Batista’s cheating actions.
The thing with this show is that while there were very good matches, there wasn’t a single match that really went above and beyond. A couple B’s but no A’s, is what I’m saying here. With the uglier matches, that only drags the score down with nothing to pull it right back up.
20) SURVIVOR SERIES 1994
Date: November 23, 1994
Era: New Generation
Location: Freeman Coliseum in San Antonio, Texas
Known as: That one where they gave Backlund the title
Elimination Matches: 3 out of 5
Many would consider Wrestlemania X to be one of wrestling’s greatest events. It was a solid show and came out strong during a time when the WWF had a low amount of major stars. It mainly focused on three men: Yokozuna the unstoppable monster, Bret Hart the fightingest champion and Lex Luger the heroic beacon of hope. How strange it is to see this event where all three of those guys are torn down in one fell swoop with only one of them able to claw his way back to where he was a year later. Meanwhile, the backstage group of buddies known the Clique come out of the show looking pretty good…
One thing they did at this show and not the others was start it off by showing each and every team huddled up in their respective locker rooms before the show, going over their strategies. I like that. Then we get a CGI intro animation of a cow skull in the desert because this is taking place in San Antonio. The backstage segments are all pretty solid. After the Bret/Backlund match, Owen pulls off one fantastic promo. There’s a moment where Todd Pettengill shows footage of Bull Nakano winning the Women’s Championship and having an awkward interview where she only speaks Japanese in a callous manner. Then there’s Bob Backlund’s post-win victory speech. Folks, I think this is my favorite wrestling promo of all time.
“Sports education”. That’s genius.
The one problem with Survivor Series 94 in this respect is that they focus way too much on calling the hotline. You want to hear Diesel rant and rave after turning face? Too bad, you have to pay for a 900 number while watching the thing you’re paying for.
We begin with The Bad Guys (Razor Ramon, 1-2-3 Kid, The British Bulldog, Fatu and Sionne) vs. The Teamsters (Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Owen Hart, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and Jeff Jarrett). First thing to mention is that Diesel is OVER. People go crazy the moment he walks out. Then it takes forever for everyone in the ring to get squared away so they can start this thing. They start it with 1-2-3 Kid vs. Anvil. Anvil and Jarrett each beat on the Kid until Jarrett takes a second to taunt the crowd. He turns around and eats a roundhouse kick. Then brothers-in-law Owen and Bulldog go at it. Bulldog flings Owen into the face team’s corner with a Slingshot, allowing the other four Bad Guys to slug on him for an entertaining moment. Bulldog fights off both Owen and Anvil, gives Anvil one of his patented suspended vertical suplexes and tags in Fatu. Fatu hits a top-rope headbutt onto Anvil, but is too distracted by having to wear boots that instead of going for the pin, he lets Anvil sneak off for a tag.
Just a reminder, there was a storyline where the savage Headshrinkers were forced to wear boots and couldn’t handle it, causing them to lose matches. This is only like a year or so since they decided to do the gimmick of, “Kamala is a face now, but he’s too stupid to know how pins work, so he loses a lot.” Make them too dumb to win their matches. The fans will eat it up!
Razor beats Jarrett mighty handily and gives the Kid a Fallaway Slam into Jarrett in hopes that the double-team would lead to a pin. It didn’t. Jarrett gets out of there and tags in Owen, who is completely outclassed by Fatu. This is where things get interesting as Diesel blind tags Owen as he bounces against the ropes. Owen DDTs Fatu, but he springs back up and no-sells it. What he doesn’t no-sell is Diesel running at him full-steam and clotheslining the bejeezus out of him. Jackknife Powerbomb, pin.
The Kid takes it to Diesel and comes off looking pretty good until he tries a Sunset Flip. He can’t get Diesel to fall and Diesel grabs the Kid by the throat, holds him up in the air, slams him down, Jackknife Powerbomb, pin. Sionne runs in, pretending that he isn’t the Barbarian by letting Diesel wreck his shit in seconds. Jackknife, pin. The Bulldog is somewhat more lucky, getting sent out of the ring with a boot to the face. He spends too much time fighting Owen out there that he’s simply counted out. Razor is the last man left and goes all out on Diesel. Razor’s Edge is reversed into a backdrop, boot to face, Jackknife, p—wait, no. Not yet. Michaels demands Diesel tags him in. After all, Michaels hasn’t been in this match at all so far.
Diesel reluctantly tags out, but Michaels has this great idea and asks Diesel to come back in. Exhausted and frustrated, he does what he’s told and holds Razor up so he can receive Sweet Chin Music. Razor moves out of the way at the last second and Michaels nails Diesel instead. Michaels starts yelling at Diesel for his incompetence and Diesel has had enough. The others try to calm him down, but Diesel attacks them and advances on Michaels. Diesel gives chase to Michaels up the ramp while the other three follow and they’re all counted out. Razor Ramon is the sole survivor! What an anti-climax. They were doing so well up until this point. If they had Anvil or Jarrett stick around to lose, it would have been better than this.
Directly after this, Michaels gets into his car and cheeses it while claiming that Diesel is a no-good ingrate.
The next match is something that I hold very dear to my heart, even though many others would disagree with me. I’m going to lay it out on the table and say it flat out: I fucking love Clowns R Us (Doink, Dink, Pink and Wink) vs. The Royal Family (Jerry “The King” Lawler, Cheesy, Queasy and Sleazy). It’s my favorite comedy match in wrestling history, even more than anything CHIKARA has produced. For those who aren’t familiar with this match, Doink is joined with three midget clown partners and Lawler has three midget king partners. Zaniness ensues on a massive level.
The first half of the match is based on the Doink team doing something and the King team trying the same thing, only failing miserably. King grabs Doink’s foot, laughs and gets hit with an enziguri to the skull. Doink grabs King’s foot, King laughs and completely misses an enziguri. Doink holds King against the mat with an armbar and all the mini-clowns run in, run over Lawler’s body, taunt the mini-kings, run back over Lawler’s body, the mini-kings run over Lawler’s body to get to the clown corner, then return to their side by running over Lawler yet again. When Lawler tries the same gag on Doink, his teammates only trip over themselves.
Doink messes around by having his mini-clowns try to pin Lawler, only for Lawler to throw them off of him one at a time. Doink would catch them and place them to his side. When things are switched around, Lawler would catch one of his mini-kings and discard them over his shoulder and fall over from one being too heavy. Too mess with Lawler some more, Dink places a Burger King paper crown on his head, inciting a loud, “BURGER KING!” chant from the crowd. Doink puts Dink on his shoulders and the two advance on an alarmed Lawler, who decides the best counter would be by sitting on Sleazy’s shoulders… which leads to Sleazy falling over and Lawler landing on his face. While the mini-kings chase the mini-clowns around the apron, Lawler sneaks in a punch on Doink with brass knuckles and then reverses a crossbody by rolling with it and holding Doink down by the tights for a pin.
Vince on commentary points out the obvious flaw in the match: how are the clowns supposed to win if Lawler’s not allowed to wrestle them? More hijinx are had, but the second half of the match is about the kings beating the clowns in a shut-out. Cheesy pins Wink while Lawler holds them down with his foot with the ref not noticing. While the ref isn’t looking, Lawler drops Cheesy onto Pink and it’s enough for Cheesy to get the pin. Dink does a splash off the top onto Sleazy, but the ref is distracted by Lawler and Queasy sneaks in to roll Sleazy on top of Dink. This somehow works and gets Sleazy the final pin. This is the one part of the match that I’ll own up to being stupid (er, stupid in a head-shaking way, not stupid in a hilarious way). The Royal Family wins without a single casualty, but Lawler refuses to share the spotlight and yells at his underlings until they start kicking him in the shins. The midget clowns join in the fight against Lawler and he runs off… right into a pie in the face courtesy of Doink.
Now, the next match is another one that I can see calling my opinion into question. Bret “The Hitman” Hart defends the WWF Championship against Bob Backlund in a Throw-in-the-Towel Submission Match. The idea is that they’ll each have a corner man with a towel and the match ends when one guy’s corner man decides to throw in the towel to save his buddy from the match. Bret’s corner man is the British Bulldog while Backlund’s is Owen Hart. Some really seem to dig this match and it isn’t hard to notice why. Both of these guys are legends in the ring. I, on the other hand, just can’t get into it.
First off, it’s the rules of the match. Only your proxy can decide who wins. If Bret’s too hurt during the match, the Bulldog can call it quits for him and being his brother-in-law, it makes sense. For Backlund, he’d have to have Owen make the call, which makes the match impossible for Bret. There’s no reason why Owen, a total asshole, would feel that much sympathy for what amounts to an acquaintance. Bret could break Backlund’s legs and Owen would cross his arms and turn away. This isn’t a match where the odds are against Bret. This is a match where he has no chances of winning whatsoever.
To its credit, the two guys are great with the psychology. It just so happens that 90% of the match is restholds. Bret working over Backlund’s knee or Backlund working over Bret’s shoulder. Whenever one goes for his trademark submission move, the other would immediately worm his way out of there. The only submission that has any drama to it is Bret putting Backlund in the Figure Four and Owen naturally refusing to give a damn. Bret eventually gets Backlund right where he wants him with a Sharpshooter and Owen runs in and gets Bret with a bulldog from behind. The British Bulldog gives chase and the two go around the ring until Bulldog trips and smashes his head into the steps. From there, he’s out cold for the rest of the night. Owen freaks out over this development and Bret yells at him from the ring, opening him up for Backlund to put him in the Crossface Chickenwing.
Bret is almost able to escape the move, but it gets locked in and they remain in the center of the ring with Backlund latched onto him. Owen starts apologizing for his actions and acts like Scrooge on Christmas morning, only far hammier than should be allowed. He goes to his parents in the front row and begs his mother Helen to do something. SHE must be the one to throw in the towel.
It’s only on this modern rewatch of this show that it dawns on me: why does this work? Is there a rule in there that if one corner man is unable to compete, the opposing corner man has the right to choose the successor? Sure, the drama is certainly there, but it just doesn’t make sense. Anyway, Bret has been in the Chickenwing for a full nine minutes. Yes, nine minutes of, “Oh no, he’s my BROTHER! What have I done?!” On commentary, Vince seems to realize that this situation is making Bret look like shit, so he amends the rules by pointing out that Bret can end the match by quitting himself, but he won’t because he’s that awesome. Finally, Helen throws in the towel despite Stu Hart’s attempts to stop her. Owen runs into the ring, grabs the towel and celebrates Bret’s loss, showing that it was all a trick. Let’s just get to the next match.
The Million Dollar Team (Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard) vs. Guts and Glory (Lex Luger, Mabel, Adam Bomb, Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) is a very fun match, but fits into my claims that this event is there to tear down Wrestlemania X. Like in the beginning, Tatanka accidentally backs into Luger, which is always a moment for the heel to go, “Oh shit!” and get his ass annihilated. Tatanka just kicks his ass anyway. Eventually, Luger does start to beat up all the heels until Bundy steps in. Mabel steps into the ring to back Luger up against Bundy, forcing the heel to back off. Mabel then tosses Prichard around, performs a crossbody off the second rope (whoa!) and pins him. Del Ray tries to avenge his partner and has very little success, so he tags Bundy in. Mabel and Bundy slam into each other several times until Bundy goes down. He tags in Bam Bam.
Mabel at one point climbs to the top rope, but gets tossed hard into the mat. Bam Bam climbs the top and tries a Sunset Flip, but Mabel merely sits down on him. Mabel clotheslines Bam Bam out of the ring, but it proves to be his undoing. Bam Bam sneaks into the ring before the ref counts to ten, eliminating Mabel. Adam Bomb vs. Bam Bam looks like a really promising match-up, but before it can go long enough, Bundy hits Bomb from behind, Bam Bam does a bulldog, hits a moonsault off the top rope and Adam Bomb is diffused.
Del Ray and Luger mix it up, but it’s ended with a surprise metal-laced forearm shot from Luger and a pin. I’m thinking having such a simple finisher that is also cheating is one of the reasons Luger never reached that top plateau that Vince envisioned. The Smoking Gunns work over Tatanka with several minutes of team-up moves, but it goes south when Bart performs the worst Crucifix and Tatanka turns it into the End of the Trail. Bart’s gone. Lex and Billy Gunn team up on Tatanka, but Tatanka is able to catch Billy and powerslam him. He tags in Bundy, who simply elbow drops Billy and pins him with ease. Luger goes right after Tatanka, but Bundy gets in his way. Luger has a moment of surge where he’s able to fight off the three heels and almost pins Tatanka, but victory isn’t in the cards.
The heels spend several minutes working Luger over. Tatanka hits elbow drop after elbow drop after elbow drop and Luger sells it by… uh… pulling out his wedgy. Listen, sometimes chafing takes precedent over having your face caved in by an evil Native American. Directly after, Luger surprises Tatanka with a Small Package and pins him. Can he possibly defeat the other tw—oh, wait. Bundy walks in and finishes him off with a splash. Never mind. The heels beat up Lex until his partners come out to make the save. And there it is. The end of Luger’s push. Enjoy the tag division!
Our main event is Undertaker vs. Yokozuna in a Casket Match, part two of the Undertaker vs. Scared Fat Dude Casket Match at Survivor Series Trilogy. This is closure for a rivalry that started a full year ago at the 93 Series. Back at the 94 Royal Rumble, the two had a Casket Match that ended with nearly every heel coming out and ganging up on Undertaker until they could put him away. The WWF’s face roster was made up of assholes around that time. “Man, I’d really like to stop that curbstomping, but I really want to earn that Wrestlemania title shot.” Long story short, they finally signed the rematch for Survivor Series and decided that only one man was good enough to make sure there would be no heel interference.
I know it’s old hat, but I feel like I kind of have to take part in this so… Ultimate Warrior didn’t inject himself with steroids, but with trimmings from Chuck Norris’ beard. Eric Bischoff stole the blueprints for Chuck Norris’ kitchen and renamed it the Elimination Chamber. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the burn scars off Kane’s face. Chuck Norris disapproves of his son being a vegan, but was proud of the time he strangled the ring announcer with his own tie. Not only can Chuck Norris see John Cena, but John Cena can regularly see Chuck Norris banging Mrs. Cena. The original plan for Wrestlemania 2 was to have Chuck Norris wrestle three times in three different cities but he decided against it based on his fear of Mr. T.
Okay, got it out of my system. Sorry. The guy does get a pretty badass theme song when he comes out, along with fireworks before that was a regular deal in wrestling. Undertaker also gets a badass intro where the Titantron splits open to allow him to walk out with his casket. Sweet. Though for a non-Wrestlemania match, his entrance takes even longer than usual. I guess they want to hide how Undertaker and Yokozuna most certainly cannot carry a lengthy main event match.
This match is really just the WWF saying, “Hey, Yokozuna’s going to get his shit wrecked this time. We promise. Check it out!” Nobody honestly believes Yokozuna has a chance here. It can all be summed up by the very beginning of the match. Undertaker calmly points to the casket and Yokozuna humorously falls over. Even when Irish Whipped in the casket’s general direction, Yokozuna stops and acts afraid. He’s knocked out of the ring and is stalked by Undertaker until making his way back in. Undertaker hits Old School (wait, does that move have a name for when it’s being used pre-2000?) and Yokozuna doesn’t fall. That’s something, I guess. Undertaker runs into a Samoan Drop, but sits back up. Yokozuna hits various power moves on Undertaker and puts him in the casket. Undertaker holds the door open and drags Yokozuna into the casket with him, where brawling ensues. Mr. Fuji grabs Undertaker by the hair, which only proceeds to piss Undertaker off. The Dead Man gives chase and chops down Cornette when he gets in his way.
Yokozuna gets a lot of offense in for several minutes until it’s time for Undertaker to get back on track and even hit a clothesline from the top rope. With Undertaker’s victory a done deal, King Kong Bundy walks to the ring to confront Chuck Norris. Norris holds him at bay by merely adjusting his belt. Bam Bam Bigelow joins his teammate into confronting Norris, which is only a diversion for Irwin R. Schyster to sneak into the ring, attack Undertaker, put him in a sleeper hold and throw him into the casket. IRS leaves and Yokozuna has things all but won. He pulls down the lid and at the last second, Undertaker springs up and strangles the sumo. Jeff Jarrett runs out from backstage to help and gets a Chuck Norris thrust kick sending him back to the locker room. And so, Chuck Norris’ entire job has been to tighten his belt and kick Jeff Jarrett.
The rest is elementary. Undertaker hits a jumping clothesline, a DDT and delivers a running boot that knocks Yokozuna into the casket. To add an exclamation point, he snatches the Japanese flag from Fuji’s hands, snaps it over his knee, throws it into the casket and slams the lid. So ends the Undertaker/Yokozuna feud. Well, actually, not quite. There was still this many months later.
Undertaker has some weird powers, man.