I’ve been asked to comment on the recent announcement about the new WWE Heroes comic on its way. For those who haven’t heard, 20 issues will be released by Titan Publishing, depicting the WWE wrestlers as fighting zombies and leopard men and stuff. I don’t know.

The press release mentions the inclusion of these wrestlers and personalities: Triple H, Undertaker, Randy Orton, Batista, Shawn Michaels, Big Show, John Cena, CM Punk, Kane, Edge, Chris Jericho, Matt Hardy, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Carlito, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler and Kelly Kelly. Wait, Roddy Piper?! What? Why?

Another thing that bothers me is that why are they going to go through the trouble of doing a WWE comic book and NOT include the Hurricane, who is a wrestling superhero? He was born for this role! What is up with that?

I’ve followed the history of licensed wrestling comics. First we had WWF Battlemania in 1991, which I covered in two parts. It was doofy and kiddy, but not overly offensive in the grand scheme of things. A year later, Marvel released World Championship Wrestling, which I reviewed in three different parts. That one was both poorly written and showed the reasons for why doing a month-by-month story based on wrestling that’s written and drawn long in advance is a recipe for failure. At the end of the decade, we were given WWF comics by Chaos. This included comics based on Steve Austin, Mankind, the Rock, Chyna and the Undertaker. I recently reviewed Undertaker in two parts.

So I think I have enough authority to say that this is going to be bad on an epic scale. I can’t wait. I just feel sorry for writer Keith Champagne, who already took a hit for being assigned the job of writing Countdown: Arena. God, what a mess that was.

Let’s look at a mere two panels to see what’s wrong with this.

Here we see that Batista is a reborn version of King Arthur and relives his adventures. This is already pretty silly, considering King Arthur is known for not falling asleep during his battles and he didn’t spend most of the myths on the injury list.

I can forgive giving Matt Hardy a chiseled appearance and not making him look puffy due to his intestines exploding while he spends months pretending nothing’s wrong. I can forgive R-Truth for his sickly skin tone when he’s really one or two shades away from looking like the Void. But where are all their tattoos? They look like Street Fighter headswaps here.

Plus there’s the fact that these guys are supposed to be the good guys. Batista turned heel recently and CM Punk has been heel for months. Hell, has there even been a point in recent history where Punk and Hardy were both faces? Maybe for a week. It just shows the pitfalls that they’re going to run into. What if they’re writing this story and Batista gets himself fired? That’s where the WCW comic went wrong. They’re asking for trouble.

I’m not really feeling this whole mystical reenactment thing they’re going with. If you ask me, if you’re going to toss a bunch of wrestlers into comic books, you should do it the more popular way. By that I mean give them rings and insert them into Blackest Night.

See, I have it all figured out. We have eight different rings in the cosmic spectrum, each representing a different emotion. With all the WWE wrestlers at our disposal, surely there has to be one qualified for each ring. Let’s give it a shot.

Green Lantern: John Cena

John Cena has the uncanny ability to defy any odds against him, no matter how stacked. Put him in a handicap match against the Big Show, Great Khali and the Death Star and after about twenty minutes of taking punishment, he’ll stand back up and shrug off all of that just so he can hit two moves and make the Death Star submit to the STF even though the Death Star is a space station with no limbs or nerve endings. Obviously, that takes some level of willpower.

Besides, the whole prerequisite of being a Green Lantern is that the fans have to argue about how much they love and hate you. “LET’S GO CENA!”/”CENA SUCKS!” is just another form of “LET’S GO RAYNER!”/”BRING BACK JORDAN!”

As Green Lantern, this would be Cena’s oath. If by chance he is serious, you will be able to tell because HE WILL BE YELLING IT REALLY LOUD TO SHOW THAT HE MEANS BUSINESS!

In brightest days, in blackest nights,
I’ll no-sell your offense and win all our fights!
Emerald strength to light our darkest hour,
YOU CAN’T SEE M– wait, no, that don’t work. Light is my power.

Yellow Lantern: The Undertaker

Oh, sure, the Undertaker is supposed to be a zombie and therefore should be a Black Lantern, but going by his comic canon, he’s just a demon janitor who rules Hell’s prison. Technically, he never really died. Nobody else in wrestling has been so linked to bringing fear to their opponents than the Undertaker. Besides, it’s a mercy thing. By letting him fly, he can take the stress off his shoddy knees.

In shining urn… in shadowed grave…
Your screams of fear are what I crave…
Rest in peace and have a care…
The Dead Man’s light shall soon be there…

Blue Lantern: CM Punk

Yes, I understand that CM Punk is a heel, but at least he shows that wrestlers can be successful without having to succumb to rampant drug use. Even as a heel, his whole mantra is to make everyone better by relying on themselves. With a tiny frame, he’s been able to not only be a multiple world champion, but he’s nailed nearly every WWE Diva. He brings hope to everyone.

In singles match, in TLC,
Become straight edge to rate with me.
With hope in heart and body true,
Behold the might of Pepsi Blue!

Red Lantern: Scott Steiner

Scott Steiner isn’t currently on the WWE roster, but few are known for being quite as a insane with rage as Big Poppa Pump. This is a guy who once tried to strangle Diamond Dallas Page to death backstage at a WCW event and Lance Storm was slow to help because he thought it was a scene until he realized there were no cameras around. The man has succumbed to road rage and roid rage and certainly deserves his spot as a member of Atrocitus’ league.

Ya see! With sweat and blood of crimson red!
Ripped from every toe to top of head!
Ain’t wearin’ no sissy yellow, but yer still gonna fear me!
BIG POPPA PUMP IS GONNA PUKE UP! HOLLA IF YOU’RE NEAR ME!

Indigo Lantern: Mark Henry

Figuring out someone to represent compassion was a hard one. I guess Shawn Michaels could work, since he is a born again Christian and all that, but I can’t shake how much of a dick he was for most of his career. Mark Henry, by all accounts, is one of the kindest and most genuine guys in the business. His in-ring persona has recently been shown to stand up for the little man, such as Verne Troyer, so I’ll give this one to him. Plus he’s a poet, so he can probably come up with a better oath than this:

When splitting wigs, when kicking ass,
I still got time to show some class,
Stay true to others or face my might,
Bow down to the power of World’s Strongest Light!

As long as he doesn’t try rapping this. Because then it would become an embarrassing string of him tripping over his words, not rhyming and telling everyone to wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

Violet Lantern: Zach Ryder

I know, I know. Violet Lanterns are supposed to be female. Thing is, most of the Divas are less than fun to talk about and few even have personality. There is Beth Phoenix, but she doesn’t hit me as being qualified to be an avatar of love. Add to that, I just want to include Zach Ryder on my list. You know it.

I think Zach is capable of even pulling off the Star Sapphire look, but only if he gets to wear a single pant leg on the costume.

At LI beaches or any dumb place,
You’ll gain love’s strength by checking my face!
Wield violet light and you never will fall,
Woo woo woo! You know it! Love conquers all!

Fittingly, love is the emotion I feel for Zach Ryder’s theme song.

Orange Lantern: Repo Man

I was thinking of using Hulk Hogan as the representative of greed and avarice – especially since his orange skin makes him a shoe-in. Then I thought Randy Orton could work, but he lacks the comedic touch that goes with the actual Orange Lantern Larfleeze. Instead, I went back to find the one man perfect for the role.

Hehehehe!
With blackest mask and thinning hair,
I’ll steal your things, no matter where!
Orange light will keep you in line,
For what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine!
AHAHAHAHAAAA!

Black Lantern: Chris Benoit

It’s insensitive to make any joke about a dead wrestler, especially with Umaga’s death being so recent, but there will always be Chris Benoit. He died an asshole, so his jokes will never get old.

Even as a part of the Black Lantern process, Benoit fits in. His very presence would bring forth all sorts of fear, anger and even love and compassion from anyone who gets in his way. Give him time and I’m sure he’ll be able to figure out plenty of ways to reverse any hold into a torn out heart.

In roided rage, in scrambled head,
The Wolverine is risen from the dead,
Emotions fade and death shall rule,
Now feed my dogs, they’re at the pool!

We’ll have to wait until March to experience WWE Heroes, but you know where to find me. I’ll be ready and may even review them one issue at a time upon release.

Special thanks to Matlock for inspiration on the Steiner part.

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Posted in comic books, Lists, Wrestlecomics by Gavok |