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And Now, a Look at the Oan Presidential Race

September 17th, 2008 by | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Jack Ryder: And welcome back to You Are Wrong! I’d like to take a second to introduce you to today’s fine guests. First up is Keeper of the Book of Oa and high ranking member of the Green Lantern Corps, Salaak.

Salaak: A pleasure to be here, Mr. Ryder.

Jack: On my right is Lyssa Drak, Keeper of the Book of Parallax and member of the Sinestro Corps.

Lyssa: Charmed.

Jack: Let’s get down to brass tacks. The Oan Presidency is heating up. On one side we have John Stewart, Green Lantern and author of The Audacity of Will, along with his running mate Hal Jordan.

Lyssa: Mass murderer.

Jack: Hey, save it! Stewart is up against war veteran Sinestro, who has recently announced his candidate for Vice President, Karu-Sil. Now, Lyssa, I have to say, this announcement came out of nowhere. We were expecting someone a bit more deserving like Ranx the Sentient City. He is, after all, prophesized to kill Mogo one day. What do you say to the claims that Karu-Sil, who most people haven’t even heard of, was chosen for no reason other than capitalizing on voters angry that Soranik Natu didn’t make it through the primaries?

Lyssa: Of all the sexist—I shouldn’t even have to answer that. Karu-Sil is an experienced Sinestro Corps member and has done far more in her short tenure than John ADOLF Stewart has.

Salaak: Excuse me, but that is NOT his middle name!

Jack: Quiet, both of you! Lyssa, I’ve read up on Karu-Sil. There is nothing going on in Sector 2815 worth note. Sinestro is prone to being killed off, so there’s the strong possibility that she’ll have to step up and take his place. What makes you believe that she’s qualified to step up?

Lyssa: For one, she’s extremely close to Sector 2816, which we all know has been recently troubled by those bothersome Red Lanterns. That should count for something.

Salaak: I cannot believe this. Jack, this is a farce. I shudder to think of what would become of our universe with Karu-Sil in charge. She’s a horrible excuse for a living being. She actually demanded that the Book of Oa be banned from libraries!

Lyssa: Oh, do be quiet! That’s the kind of sexism I expect from someone who supports John ORENTHAL JAMES Stewart.

Salaak: You keep saying that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

Lyssa: Excuse me?! What of John DARKSEID Stewart and his speech about how you can put lipstick on a Bolovaxian, but it’s still a Bolovaxian? Hm? Obviously he was speaking of the great Karu-Sil.

Salaak: How could that possibly be true?! She doesn’t even have lips!

Lyssa: Feh. Next you’re going to argue against her for her so-called lack of experience.

Salaak: That would be a good place to start, yes.

Lyssa: And what of John SINESTRO Stewart? What has he done of note? Nothing. He was the Master Builder, whatever that means, and even then he didn’t accomplish anything. Not like the great Sinestro. Sinestro is a war hero. He was imprisoned in the Power Battery, which makes him both a great hero AND worthy to lead our universe. People are just taken in by John SCHUMACHER Stewart based on a non-canon version of his character. Justice League Unlimited never happened. Without it, he is empty.

Jack: Oh boy. Salaak, keep it going. This is starting to get good.

Salaak: Listen to me. John Stewart’s running mate Hal Jordan is a good friend with Sinestro and even he knows that Sinestro is a foolish choice. You’re just going to get more of the same corruption that’s run rampant for the last eight Earth years.

Lyssa: Foolish Lantern. You know nothing about Sinestro. Sinestro was the first to challenge the Guardians. When Jordan was tasked with bringing him in, Sinestro challenged him as well. Sinestro is a maverick. A maverick is someone you can trust.

Salaak: I can’t believe this… Are life forms really stupid enough to be taken in by this?

Jack: You have no idea.

Lyssa: Let us not forget that John BOSS HOG Stewart—

Salaak: That is definitely not his middle name.

Lyssa: –is indecisive. He is what those Earth sheep call a “flip-flopper”. He was against Jordan during his initial massacre, but only a short time later, after Jordan had restored Stewart’s ability to walk, he was supportive of Jordan. This is your great leader?

Salaak: Now wait just a minute! What about Sinestro?! What kind of feeble-minded so-called leader puts the Anti-Monitor on a team with Superboy Prime? Anti-Monitor ruined that boy’s life! You call that a good decision?

Lyssa: May I remind you that Sinestro is a great veteran? He has been wearing a ring far longer than John DOCTOR LIGHT AND BY THAT I MEAN THE MALE ONE NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE VIDEOGAME SCIENTIST Stewart. In fact, you need a great team like Sinestro and Karu-Sil to protect our universe from having another Coast City happen.

Salaak: Not this again…

Lyssa: You mock Coast City?

Jack: I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to interrupt here. Yes, Coast City was a horrible thing. It’s a tragedy, even if you’re one of those foil-hat idiots who think the Oans were behind it all, but enough is enough.

Salaak: Indeed. If I wanted to hear about Coast City, I’d listen to a Cyborg Superman speech.

Jack: Dear Lord! Did you see his speech at the Qwardian Galactic Convention? The guy tosses “Coast City” around almost as much as he says, “Kill me!” and “For the love of everything sacred, why won’t I die? Why won’t I die?!”

Salaak: Besides, they only bring up Coast City to add to the fear mongering of the public.

Lyssa: Fear mongering? Us? I’ve never felt so insulted!

Jack: Then it’s good timing because we’re just about out of time. Thanks again to our guests Salaak and Lyssa Drak.

Salaak: This debate begs the question. Just who are you in support of, Mr. Ryder?

Lyssa: Yes. Do you choose yellow or green?

Jack: That’s a stupid question. Of course I… heh, yellow and green. Of course I support… I mean. Heh. Yellow and green? Yellow and green? Heheheh. HAHAHAHAHA!! YELLOW AND GREEN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Salaak: ……….

Lyssa: ………..

Jack: …Ahem. Join us tomorrow as I make fun of Karu-Sil for not knowing what the First Law of Oa is. This is Jack Ryder and You Are Wrong! Good night, everybody.

——–

In other news, check out the infinitely funnier Mavericking Maverick Mavericks More.

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16 comments to “And Now, a Look at the Oan Presidential Race”

  1. “Lyssa: You mock Coast City?”

    I laughed hard at this.


  2. Man, both John and Hal are mass murderers. Sinestro all the way. 8-)


  3. As much as I hate to nitpick, it was Kyle who healed John, not Hal. It was back during the time Kyle was Ion. Winick did a great John-centric peace where he finally walks.


  4. I’m pretty certain that in Emerald Night, Hal visited John in the hospital and used his Parallax powers to heal him. I may have to recheck.


  5. John returned to walking twice. Once, during Final Night when Hal visited him as Parallax and left some residual energy. Then, he used up all those energies while saving Kyle from Fatality. During Kyle’s “Ion” phase, he and Fatality revealed that John was mentally keeping himself crippled but that John was actually fine (don’t blame me if that didn’t make sense, it’s Judd Winick’s story) and dandy.

    Two more times and he’ll tie Professor X for most attempts out of a wheelchair.


  6. Did i just read an U.S Election 2008/Green Lantern crossover Fanfic?


  7. Mack: Why do you hate Oa?


  8. because of their freedoms.


  9. Mark Poa: I think John had some residual power that was just enough that since he *thought* he was crippled, it actually made him crippled. Much like how Kyle was defeated in the JLA Tower of Babel story, so it’s not out of nowhere, although I don’t know which came first.


  10. I forgot about Emerald Night. Sorry about that. As for Kyle healing John . . . John was subconsciously holding himself back even after Kyle/Ion cleared up whatever kept him in the wheelchair physically.


  11. my vote goes to Stephen Colbert :D


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  13. Phepp. I haven’t liked John ever since his followers started flinging misogynistic rhetoric at Jade’s supporters.


  14. I, too, hate it when fans of characters do things completely unrelated to the characters themselves.


  15. this is why i vote red lantern


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