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Dollhouse Reveals New Miracle Cure: Punch-in-the-Face

October 21st, 2009 by | Tags: ,

Say what you want about Dollhouse, it makes a compelling case for giving Bruce Lee the Nobel Prize for Medicine posthumously.  There is very little in the human body, mind, or soul that this series hasn’t cured with a good hit to the brain-pan. 

First of all, any soon-to-be parents can throw out those namby-pamby parenting manuals that tell them to spare the rod.  In the pilot, the ‘hero’ of the series is introduced via boxing montage.  As he is pummelled mercilessly, his fight is intersperced with scenes of his superiors telling him to back off investigating the Dollhouse.  After he is beaten to the ground, he gets up to fight once more!  That’s right.  You can smack determination into your kids.  Do it early.  Do it often.

Of course, this might get them feeling a little down.  No problem.  You know what cures suicidal tendencies?  A hit with a chair.  Yes, in episode three, a suicidal pop star is ‘cured’ of her tendencies by being cracked with a folding chair, wrestlemania-style.  No, I’m not kidding.  It wasn’t subtext.  It wasn’t a post hoc, ergo propter hoc situation.  They actually said, on the show, that a ‘brush with death’ helped reignite her desire to live.

But those are just mental conditions, right?  Mental problems are cured in all kinds of strange ways.  Physical problems, however, well – they take something a little more specialized.

Or not.  Four episodes into the series, an evangelical preacher actually beats the blindness out of the main character.  All right, so he only dislodged a chip in her head, allowing her to see.  That, however, was just an open-handed slap.  Imagine what a fist could do.

We only get to see that miracle cure in season two, but let me tell you, readers, it was worth the wait.  In the first episode of season two, we see the boxing-ring hero call on all of his experience and actually beat martial arts ability into the heroine.  On the way, he probably went through the ability to horseback ride, speak other languages, and work as a trained nurse, because she was glitching between multiple personalities until she was smacked into one who could kill all the arms dealers who were surrounding the both of them.

Regardless of the situation, I think that Dollhouse has showed us the way to true health.  Forget vegetables and meditation.  Find yourself a wall and whack it with your head.  You’ll thank me when you’re a ninja.

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3 comments to “Dollhouse Reveals New Miracle Cure: Punch-in-the-Face”

  1. I’m surprised you stuck with the series so long since it seems to suck so very much egg.


  2. “Therapy by Head Trauma” is really just an advanced version of the “Slap of Life” cure seen in plenty of other movies. You know the one: a character is dead, the hero applies CPR to no avail, and then the hero leans in really close and yells “You’ve never given up on anything before in your life! Now fight! FIGHT!” and gives ‘em an open-palm whack square across the chops. Cue the spluttering first gasp of air as the formerly-dead character now lives again.

    Beating wellness into people has been a staple of the entertainment industry since…oh, at least since Gilligan’s Island.


  3. I really enjoy watching Dollhouse, but major complaint about recent episodes is how easy it is to escape it. The last 2 episodes have had serial killer doll and baby lover doll both seemingly walk out of the Dollhouse unscathed. The show just cuts to them walking around outside. What happened to all the damn security? A show in the first season revolved around a group of wiped dolls trying to escape, and it sure wasn’t easy. Maybe it’s racism, now that a black guy is head of security, it’s easy to get out. SHAME. OK, maybe it’s just poor writing.