There are probably spoilers for 52 in this picture, so don’t click unless you want to be spoiled and/or absolutely terrified and have nightmares.

It’s a logic problem. How do you turn a ugly asian stereotype into a believable comic character?

You turn him into a hideous freaking death dealing robot machine thing. Holy moley. I thought Egg-fu showing up was just a joke, but this is an insane inversion of my expectations here. Gone are all the stereotypical features, in are robot death arms and a Mojo-mobile. Whoof.

This was kind of an insanely good week for comics. Seven Soldiers #1 was the event comic of forever, Deathblow #1 featured Brian Azzarello sporting a kind of Batman-esque sense of humor to good effect, Loveless #12 was a shock and a half, 52 was good, Black Panther had a great setup and more than a few great Storm moments… good week.

Too bad Wildcats #2 is pushed back to March!

Okay, I’ve got some room to breathe, so let’s close some tabs and hit you guys off with some knowledge!

Seven Soldiers #1 is almost here! Scope the seven page preview for a look at what is sure to be a great finale to the best megaseries ever. Oh, baby, October 25th can’t come quick enough!

I’ve got a three part interview with Brian Azzarello that is honestly a must-read. Part one, part two, and part three. As usual, 100 Bullets is the best comic ever go buy it blah blah Loveless blah blah Deathblow blah blah awesome. Seriously, Azz writes great stuff, so check his interviews and buy his books. We get confirmation (again, possibly) that DC is going to support 100 Bullets through to the end, so I’m a happy camper.

Lisa Fortuner discusses the uncanny valley in comics and I pop up in the comments feed. This could turn out to be an interesting discussion, but only I’ve commented so far.

Gavok is a stupidhead. That’s not a link or anything, I just wanted to let you know that he’s got a funny face.

Now, I’ve got a personal rule on this site, which I’ve technically already broken by writing about Patriot a while back. I don’t like to talk about comics that I don’t like. I do enough of dealing with stuff I dislike in real life, you know? I don’t hold Gavok or Thomas to this rule, it’s just a personal thing. I don’t like to talk about bad comics unless I can get a laugh out of it or there’s some larger point behind it. Bruce Jones on Nightwing? :loleyes:. Winick on [variable]? 😆 again. Millar on Civil War?

I could say a lot. Instead, I’ll just say this: read Giffen on Annihilation instead. It’s the best “big event” going on right now. Civil War has had some sweet tie-ins (Wolverine, Captain America) but the main series is a joke.

On the other hand, Annihilation has Drax and his young sidekick Cammi, a not-stupid Richard “Nova” Rider, Gamora, planets exploding, Galactus as a weapon of mass destruction, Annihilus with the quantum bands, Annihilus killing Quasar to get the quantum bands, Quasar being killed, Thanos as scheming trickster god, and Phyla-vell. It is excellent and well worth your time. Also, Quasar died in it.

More detailed content later on. I need to take some time to chillax. I updated the sidebar, by the way. Can you tell what’s new?

I’ve seen this in various places (specifically BSS and Newsarama) and I figure it’s worth a bit of wider notice.

You’re publisher at DC for a day. You can change three creative teams, create three new books, and cancel three to make room for the new ones. What do you do? Show your work.

New Teams

Wonder Woman

Heinberg isn’t working for me. In fact, I hate it. His book reads like he’s finally got a chance at the character, so he’s going to throw in every stupid trope ever. The Dodsons are pitch-perfect, however, so they can stay. The new team would be Joe Kelly and The Dodsons. Kelly was the one writer on JLA who made me genuinely and truly like Diana, so he deserves another crack at her. His Diana was a warrior and generally awesome. I’d like to see his treatment of her post-Crisis. If the Dodsons are unavailable, I’d love for Doug Mahnke to take another shot at drawing the Maid of Might Princess of Power Thunder from Down Under— does WW have a catchy subtitle? Mahnke’s “wet-hair Wonder Woman” (so-called by one Thomas Wilde) is the best version of her I’ve ever seen. It worked.

Teen Titans

This book has been crazy downhill for ages and DC needs something relatively childsafe. Put Daimon Scott and Skottie Young on art and let Ty Templeton write. Ty’s old work on Batman Adventures was better than a lot of the more mainstream bat-stories. He can bring kid-friendly stories with adult sensibilities to the table, and Scott and Young bring some hyper-expressive and awesome art… let ’em go wild.

JLA

Meltzer’s run has been wack, just like Heinberg’s on WW. Replace Meltzer with… hm. I’d say replace him with Dwayne McDuffie. He definitely knows the JLA well enough to do a rocking job. Give him Doug Mahnke on art because I love Mahnke. If not Mahnke, make it Justiano for some bright and shiny superheroics.

New Books

ZOOM

The creative team would be David Brothers and Gavin Jasper Geoff Johns on words and Karl Kerschl on art. The idea came from something that Mr. Gavok and I bounced around one night over IRC. Here’s the angle:

Bart Allen, Flash, is in trouble. Gorilla Grodd not only has him on the ropes, but is inches away from killing him. He’s groggy, and Grodd has telepathically turned off his access to the Speed Force and the calming words of Grandpa Barry, Wally, and Max. In short, Bart is in trouble deep. His heart sinks as he hears a voice begin speaking.

“Barrrrrrt Allen. Flaaaash.” The voice pauses. “Fastestmanalive.”

It’s Zoom. Wally’s worst enemy and a man who gave Bart nightmares. He flashes into and out of visibility and time. He is directly in Bart’s face, at his side, and below him, studying him. Grodd laughs and welcomes his comrade. He doesn’t even see Zoom turn before Zoom is right in his face.

“GorrillaGrrrrrrrrrodd,” Zoom says. “Monkey.” Grodd’s face falls and twists in anger.

What happens next can only be described as a dismantling. Zoom takes Grodd apart, shattering almost every bone in his body and putting him out like a light. He turns back to a shocked Bart.

“Hunter Zolomon. Zzzzzzoom. Fastestmanalive. Show me how tobeabetter herrrrrro.”

(I swear, I didn’t do this blog post just so I could post that. Well, not totally.)

After the Crisis and Rogue War, Zoom realizes that he has no one to blame but himself for his troubles. He was not the hero he thought he was, and he lost his wife because of it. He turns to the one man left alive who he can connect with, Bart Allen, Flash. Zoom is going to become a (better) hero and he’s going to learn at the feet of a man who is tied to a heroic legacy, whether he wants to teach him or not.

Fourth World

The team is Grant Morrison and Walt Simonson trading back and forth on writing chores, while Jamal Igle and Walt Simonson handle art chores. I think that working from a Morrison or Simonson script could push Jamal, an already incredible talent, into the stratosphere. Morrison and Walt are the only two who have shown themselves able to properly handle the Fourth World, anyway, so give them the book, let them go wild, and keep Byrne away from it. I see this as a kind of antholgy title, with an A story and a B story, both of which are 16 pages long and written by either Grant or Walt. I want some bright and shiny and incredible Kirby, and those two are the ones to do it.

Gotham Confidential

This would be another anthology, this time starring Slam Bradley, Jason Bard, Eel O’Brian, and Harvey Bullock, or perhaps Montoya depending on how 52 shakes out. In short, the supporting cast of Gotham City. The writers would be Brian Azzarello, David Lapham, Darwyn Cooke, and Will Pfeifer. I’d like to see a rotating team of artists, from Cooke to Lapham to Eduardo Risso to Kano to maintain the noirish feel. Total vanity title here, guys.

Cancelled Books

Outsiders: Wack.
Green Arrow: Wack.
Flash: The Fastest Man Alive: Just so-so, but my idea is better and builds out of this series, so it has to go.

(DC, seriously, I would write ZOOM for free holler at a brothers man c’mon)

No, seriously. This can’t just be me.

I love outlines. I think that they’re an awesome storytelling trick. I am not a huge Superman fan, but one way to get me interested in a scene featuring him is to put him in all black with only his glowing red eyes or chest emblem visible. The chest emblem makes no sense on a lighting level, yes. I know. I was going to go to art school before I realized that I was good at words, not pictures.

But, isn’t it cool?

This spread is from Ed McGuinness, JLA Classified #2, I believe. The JLA are out in our world, the real world, and have been trying to maintain the status quo. They get info from the new Squire that things have gone bad on DC-Earth. What does the JLA do?

They use a boom tube to get back to their universe.

I love it.

I don’t know why Aquaman is back there, though. You can tell that Ed McG had an awesome scene in mind until he realized, “Oh, wait… Aquaman has to be in here, too! :argh:”

I am still crazy-go-nuts swamped with work. I’ll deliver you guys some content by the weekend, I promise. Tomorrow, all things being equal, we’ll have a guest article, or perhaps a guest reprint up from my old buddy Mark Poa. Stay tuned, true believers!

“I am not what I was before,” the silence says. “I am anger, I am madness, I am the spider. And God help you if you get in my way.”

This is gonna be a long one. Get a sandwich, come back, get reading.

Even moreso than the X-Men and Fantastic Four, Spidey is Marvel’s flagship character. He’s their everyman. Reed Richards is a super genius who has enough game to woo Susan Storm and convince her, her brother, and Ben Grimm that stealing a spaceship to go into outer space is a good idea. The X-Men are a bunch of freaks and outcasts with perfect bodies, and nobody likes the Avengers.

Don’t even get me started on those freaking Avengers, all right?

Spidey is the guy that every relates to and loves. He’s probably the most human out of Marvel’s big characters. He’s had girl trouble, family drama, tragedy, and upswings. He’s led a real life and ended up marrying a wonderful girl. He’s easy to relate to. He’s the guy that we’re supposed to identify with when tough choices come up. His role in Civil War, at least outside of the main (crappy) miniseries, shows this. He is us. His set of experiences are pretty much universal, except for that whole crime-fighting thing. Let’s look at that. The crime-fighting, I mean.

Spidey is a jokester. He’s constantly cracking wise. It’s been pretty well-established that jokes are his way of both coping with the incredible danger he finds himself in every day and throwing villains off balance. I mean, seriously, I can barely stay calm when some jerk is telling me unfunny jokes, imagine if some guy were telling jokes and punching you. Disorienting for sure. The joking is coping because it allows him to maintain control of a sick situation. It takes his mind off the fact that Carnage is about to murder a schoolbus full of children. It lets him focus.

Spidey also believes in the innate goodness of man. I’m reminded of the scene in “Return of the Green Goblin” where he sits down and just has a heart-to-heart with Norman Osborn about his life, their relationship, and Gwen Stacy. He remarks that Norman can never win because Gwen will always be greater than he is. Her smile and her spirit will always overpower Norman’s hate and crazy. Norman killed her, but her memory defeats him. In his heart, Peter believes that almost everyone can be rehabilitated. Evil exists, but it has nothing at all on good. Good will win out in the end, because that is the way it is. That is the way it has to be. Right?

What happens, though, when you push him to the edge? Not in a battle, I mean. When battles get serious, Peter gets desperate. What happens when you make Peter Parker genuinely angry? What happens when he gets close to that breaking point, or possibly just past it?

What happens when the jokes stop?
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I mourn this image, not for the loss of Timothy Leary, but for the loss of Vaudeville Silver Surfer. You’d think that with Keith Giffen writing Annihilation, we’d see him make a comeback.

40) WHAT IF… STARRING SABRETOOTH: SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT!

Issue: Volume 2, #87
Writer: Dan Abnett
Artist: Frank Teran
Spider-Man death: No
Background: Sabretooth was, for a time, a captive in the X-Mansion with Xavier hoping he could mentally fix what’s wrong with him. One time, when most of the team was out on a mission, a power failure in the mansion allowed Sabretooth to escape. He didn’t get too far, though. When he went after Jubilee, Bishop went up against him and knocked him out with a powerful blast. Our story here begins with Jubilee crying over the shredded-up body of Bishop. Uh oh.

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This is a longer one than usual. I just had to rank two two-parters so closely together, didn’t I.

45) WHAT IF THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN HAD NOT MARRIED MARY JANE?/WHAT IF THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN HAD MARRIED THE BLACK CAT?

Issue: Volume 2, #20-21
Writer: Danny Fingeroth
Artist: Jim Valentino
Spider-Man death: No
Background: Peter Parker had proposed to Mary Jane. It was a battle with a Spider Slayer involving them both that convinced Mary Jane to say yes. That’s all well and good for her, but how would things have turned out if that adventure didn’t go so smoothly? In this reality, the Spider Slayer strangles Mary Jane a bit longer than normal and although she’s rescued, she is still injured. Peter keeps having flashbacks to Gwen’s death and can’t bear to see the same thing happen to someone like Mary Jane. For her own protection, he leaves her at the alter.

Look at that last panel. Man. I will never, ever forgive John Byrne for turning Sandman evil again. But enough of that.

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DC News out of Baltimore

A lot was mentioned, including Gray and Palmiotti going DC exclusive. What that means for Heroes for Hire, I do not know, but they’ve got an issue of Supergirl coming up. The important bit, though, was this:

Accepting an audience member’s compliment on The Trials of Shazam, Didio said that originally, series artists Howard Porter was using the style seen in Shazam on a Johnny Quest series he was working on with Joe Kelly, but once DC saw his Quest pages, they realized he was perfect for Shzaam and pulled him off of that project to work with Judd Winick on Shazam.

DC better put him back on that Jonny Quest book quickly or else I’m going to get upset!

Also, dig that groovy Bizarro cover to All-Star Supes! I forgot that Morrison said he’d be treating Bizarro as a disease rather than an entity. Nice!

The rest of the news… maybe I’m just not into DC. It just reads like “blah blah blah wonder woman, blah blah manhunter, blah blah nightwing, blah blah phantom lady,” etc etc. No thanks. When it’s good, it’s good, but when it’s average… I just can’t be bothered to care.

What if I just got straight to the article itself for once?

70) WHAT IF DEATH’S HEAD I HAD LIVED?

Issue: Volume 2, #54
Writer: Simon Furman
Artist: Geoff Senior
Spider-Man death: No
Background: Oh, boy. Where to begin?

There’s a good chance you’re scratching your head, wondering who the hell Death’s Head I is and why he would deserve his own What If issue. First off, stop scratching your head. It’s a disgusting habit. Death’s Head I was a character from the 80’s created by Simon Furman and integrated into the Marvel UK Transformer comics. Death’s Head I was a charismatic and likeable bounty hunter, striking some of the same chords that Deadpool would years later. A robot from the future, Death’s Head I spoke through a voice box on his face, usually turning his statements into questions, like a French guy trying to speak English. Like for instance, he’d likely tell you, “Refer to me a freelance peacekeeping agent, yes?” He was weird like that. It was neat.

Death’s Head I mainly hung out in the year 2020, but had a tendency to time travel, usually leading to crossovers with guys like the Fantastic Four and She-Hulk. During the 90’s, Marvel decided to reboot his image. AIM had created Minion, a powerful robot with the ability to absorb the instincts, skills and knowledge of whoever he destroyed. He’s like an evil Megaman, except he looks like a blatant Predator rip-off. Minion was mainly created to destroy a mysterious threat named Charnal. I’m not savvy on the details here, but Minion ended up going up against Death’s Head I and Mr. Fantastic in our present. He killed Death’s Head I and absorbed his mental workings. It was too much for Minion to handle and parts of Death’s Head I’s personality caused Minion to override into something new. Now calling himself Death’s Head II, he and Marvel’s heroes fought the merging of villain Baron Strucker’s soul and the remains of Death’s Head I’s body. In other words, Charnal. Death’s Head II was victorious and went on to have some extreme 90’s adventures. Yay?

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