Archive for the 'Features' Category

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Hope is useless against a superior foe

November 30th, 2008 Posted by david brothers

Sometimes (all of the times that have ever been times in recorded history) Dinosaur Comics is really, really good. This is one of those times.

I’m slowly trying to get back to writing those smarty-art posts everybody loves, but getting b.o.m.b. is tough! I’ve got a few things planned to get back into the swing of things and get it hot in here. I’ve been slacking like crazy lately.

Look for the start of a short series on a very specific Frank Miller-related subject later on this week, and I may try to rope some blog pals into talking about it with me. I’m hoping it has legs, but I’m sure that we’ll find out soon.

You can see my views on Batman #681 over at PCS. I’m not sure why the front page hasn’t updated, but there should be a few reviews going up this week, too.

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We Care a Lot Part 3: The Last Days of San Francisco

November 27th, 2008 Posted by Gavok

I don’t care much about Mark Millar’s Old Man Logan arc in the pages of Wolverine one way or the other, but I don’t get this part. Logan and Hawkeye drive around South Dakota and pass this.

The Venom symbiote just chilling on the side of a mountain. No reference to it anywhere. It’s just that panel. The hell is that about?

Anyway, before I get into the next Venom arc, we should take a look at Marvel Comics Presents #160-163. There were no Venom appearances in these issues. There were stories involving Tigra, Slapstick, Hawkeye and Vengeance, but nothing with Venom. Why is it so important? Because it introduces a character named Mace.

Mace is a character created by Carl Potts. Through the four issues, he writes an origin for him as basically the Japanese Wolverine. A criminal organization called the Sunrise Society takes the cloned DNA of a skilled martial artist and has it genetically engineered to create the perfect warrior. Since the Society is paranoid and thinks the scientist that created Mace is a traitor, they have him killed. The scientist is quick to destroy all of his notes, making Mace one-of-a-kind. Using his new cyber ninja skills, Mace escapes the Sunrise Society and knows freedom for the first time in his life.

He’s armed with a cybernetic mace, a healing factor, a laser gun that’s fine-tuned to the tattoo on his arm so it only works when he’s holding it, special vision abilities and… you don’t care. I don’t care. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared about Mace other than Carl Potts. That’s why we have Venom: The Mace (Venom #16-18 for those keeping track), featuring the superhero team-up that NOBODY asked for.

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World’s Funkiest

November 21st, 2008 Posted by Gavok

You may have noticed that I haven’t been writing too much in the past week or so. After Ultimatum Edit, I needed to take a little breather, which I’ve been using to play the hell out of Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe and lay down my lines for my next iRiffs project. My iRiff for Japoteurs isn’t doing too bad and was at a point listed as the top short on the site. For those of you who bought it, I thank you. For those of you who don’t, c’moooooon!

(vote 5 too)

So, earlier today Esther Inglis-Arkell-Contessa-Louisa-Francesca-Banana-Fanna-Bo-Besca-the-Third posted some nonsense about how badly Bucky Barnes would murder Nightwing. God, this again? It doesn’t really matter. It’s whoever the writer feels would win. Hell, I could write a story about D-Man defeating Galactus if Marvel asked me to do it.

Eh? Hello, Marvel? Anything? No? …Fine.

She even made a post a while back about Superman vs. Batman in a fight. Really? In latter 2008? People are still talking about that?

Come on, people! Superman fighting Batman has been done to death. Goreless, underwhelming and disappointing death that isn’t worth looking up movelists on the internet and… sorry. MKvDC “Heroic Brutality” flashbacks.

We need to move on. The Superman vs. Batman slugfest is old hat. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking Superman vs. Batman…

DANCE OFF!

Yeah! Now, this is like the opposite of the fighting. When it comes to duking it out, Superman has the advantage and Batman is the underdog. At first glance, Batman should have this in the bag. Not only does the cast of Shortpacked think he’s the Dark Knight of the Dance, but Prince wrote a cheesy song about it.

That’s just conjecture. I’m dealing with cold, hard facts.

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Something Light For Friday: Who Would Win In a Fight?

November 21st, 2008 Posted by Esther Inglis-Arkell

We’ve all done Batman vs Superman, and Batman vs Captain America.

How about Original Bucky vs Original Dick Grayson?

It seems like an uneven fight, since Original Bucky fought Nazis while Original Dick Grayson just ran around in a futile effort to make Batman seem less gay, but I’ll be buried deep in the cold, cold ground before I admit a Marvel anything trumps a DC anything, so I’m going to call it for Dick Grayson.

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“Why you feelin’ sorry for him? He asked for it…”

November 17th, 2008 Posted by david brothers

Listen y’all, here go the moral of the story.

Bonny Blue Beetle is dead and gone. He’s joined the ranks of Firestorm (35 issues), Spider-Girl (130ish issues), Checkmate (31 issues), Manhunter (30-odd issues), Catwoman (82 issues), The Order (10 issues), Blade (12 issues), and dozens of other critically acclaimed victims of the direct market. All of these, excepting I think Catwoman, fell prey to the doom of all comics: low sales. Sales spike every once and a while, but comics generally sell less each month.

Now, the question isn’t whether or not these comics are dead. That’s obvious– they are, and they aren’t coming back. And if they do come back, they’ll just pull a Manhunter and bite it again six issues later.

No, the question is who killed Blue Beetle, and when?

Most people would say DC Comics killed it. They didn’t market it right, they didn’t give it enough of a chance, maybe they should have eaten their losses, maybe so-and-so (Blue Beetle) can join one of the worst written books in the line (Teen Titans), and so on. If only DC Comics had done their job, things would be okay!

I think the answer is a bit more obvious than that. Who killed Blue Beetle? Comic fans did.

Looking at the top 300 books for September 08 tells me one thing. There are exactly two books in the top 20 that fall into the critically acclaimed column– All-Star Batman and All-Star Superman. Those don’t count, though, since they have big names attached and are tentpole titles. I had to drop down to #41 to find another one of those books (Incredible Hercules), #61 for the next (Nova), #69 for another (Captain Britain), and it stays dire after that. Blue Beetle came in at #161, with around twelve thousand sales.

The “Blame DC” model tends to work in the “If you build it, they will come” model. However, DC built Blue Beetle. They made it easy to get into and it tied into a few of their big events (Infinite Crisis, Sinestro Corps, and Countdown). It was fun and funny. They did their job. Why didn’t it work out and go on for 800 issues? (My question is ‘why should it?’ but that’s another post entirely.)

It didn’t work because of comics fans.

Comics publishers push a certain subset of their books as being very Important and Essential and Vital to Understanding the Future of the ______ Universe. “This is the story you need to read,” they tell you. “This is the story I need to read!” you respond.

And that’s how Ultimates 3, a book that I have yet to see one person say was worth the 2.99 online or in real life, sells ten times as many comics as Blue Beetle, a book that everyone supposedly loves.

Every time a new event is announced, comic fans grumble. “Ugh, I have to read all these books to know about the Marvel Universe?” I was in the room at New York Comic-con ’07 when World War Hulk was announced… two days after Civil War #7 shipped. The room didn’t cheer. There were no excited “WHOO!”s going on. There were some polite claps. Everyone was tired of events. “Event fatigue.”

World War Hulk came and went and was a big success. Big surprise there. Event fatigue must be a myth, because people grumble every time one is announced and then it goes on to become a sales juggernaut.

Comics companies have learned that if you say that something will change everything forever, or feature a character death, or kickstart a new and important story, comics fans will eat it up.

Blue Beetle, despite its original positioning, was not Important. It was about a kid from El Paso who was wrestling with a hero’s life. Catwoman was about a morally gray woman who wanted to look out for herself and her child while pulling off some cool heists. Spider-Girl was the last vestige of ’90s Marvel.

They are separate from the main continuity. New Krypton has no ties to Jaime Reyes down in Texas. Selina Kyle doesn’t even know Black Lanterns exist. Spider-Girl can’t factor into Secret Invasion. So, these books are unimportant. You can get the whole story by reading the Important books, why should you bother with these stories that don’t have nothing to do with nothing?

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

Companies realized that comic fans will eat up that continuity porn garbage rather than read an irrelevant story, no matter how good. People would rather see a halfway decent Batman story than a great one featuring anyone else.

New Krypton has so far resurrected a couple of Golden Age heroes (one of them over Grant Morrison’s wonderful Manhattan Guardian), killed Pa Kent, shipped two specials, re-introduced Nightwing and Flamebird (don’t ask who they are, you mean you don’t know already?) and gotten down to tying all of the Superman books together into one tightly packed ball of continuity.

Geoff Johns’s JSA has been talking about Kingdom Come for what feels like eight years already, but that’s impossible because the series hasn’t even been around for two years yet. Final Crisis is setting up some big new status quo that we don’t even know the details of yet, and Secret Invasion is getting us ready for Dark Reign, where Norman Osborn runs SHIELD and Iron Man is on the run.

Green Lantern is busy turning space cats into murderous vomit fetishists and naming villains things like Atrocitus and Kryb and Spacehitlersiegheil so as to set up Blackest Night, where a bunch of dead characters will come back and have their own space laser rings so they can shoot the people with other space laser rings of other colors until Hal Jordan gets one of each ring and becomes the White Lantern, the greatest of them all, and we will all learn a very valuable lesson about controlling our emotions, but not being afraid to feel, at the end of the day.

And all of these stories will sell 100k copies a month while other series die on the vine.

Basically, us comics fans got the comics industry we deserve. Why? Because we care about important books.

This is the industry we’ve built.

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Ultimatum Edit Week 1: Day Seven

November 13th, 2008 Posted by Gavok

Yesterday’s installment featured what was essentially the Ultimate Super-Villain Team-Up getting taken down a peg. Speaking of villains, it’s time to reveal who’s behind the events of Ultimatum. It’s going to be a huge surprise if you ignore every single shred of hype for this godawful comic.

That’s enough for now. Maniac Clown and I will be back next time. Finch is good with deadlines, right? So it isn’t going to take nearly a year like the last time?

Once again, please give our iRiff take on Superman in Japoteurs a look. It’s only a dollar. Scratch that, it’s 99 cents! See? We’re trying to trick you into thinking that you’re paying for something that isn’t really a dollar when it kinda just is!

I think I’m doing this wrong.

Week 2!

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Ultimatum Edit Week 1: Day Six

November 12th, 2008 Posted by Gavok

Remember yesterday when the Fantastic Four pushed a bunch of water back into the ocean and then Reed went after Namor? I don’t either.

Now Reed and Namor’s fight is heating up. Let’s see where it goes.

But first, a warning. You know how I’ve been replacing narration boxes with character theme songs? Well, funny thing, Dr. Doom doesn’t have a theme song. Not unless you count his Capcom fighting game theme, but that doesn’t have lyrics. I had to go an alternate route. Now enjoy the rest of the show!

ManiacClown actually did stuff this time, so I thank him for it. Speaking of he and I teaming up, I got some very good news.

Our Japoteurs iRiff page is finally up! Hells yes!

If you enjoyed Ultimate Edit and what’s done so far of Ultimatum Edit, please give it a look. If you’re a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, definitely give it a look. It’s only a buck and the riffing is embedded into the movie already. C’moooon! Do it!

Back to the Edit, tomorrow we finish up the week with Charles Xavier explaining it all.

Day Seven!

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Ultimatum Edit Week 1: Day Five

November 11th, 2008 Posted by Gavok

Previously on Ultimate Edit, punk was declared officially dead. Meanwhile, Spider-Man, Iron Man and Captain America each hopped into action. Yeah, guys! Go punch out that storm!

Let’s see what’s going on with the surviving members of the Fantastic Four. Keep in mind that the first page is referring to the Ultimate Fantastic Four/X-Men crossover arc that acted as a prelude to this story. So if you haven’t read it, just be glad you have no idea what they’re discussing.

That last thumbnail makes Reed look like George Bush Sr.

Once again, ManiacClown has been a non-factor what with him being all busy and stuff. Why do I even feel the need to mention him and bold his name? Is it a cry for help?

Tomorrow, we’ll finish off the Reed/Namor fight and take a trip to sunny Latveria. See you then!

Day Six!
Day Seven!

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Ultimatum Edit Week 1: Day Four

November 10th, 2008 Posted by Gavok

Yesterday saw various baseball games called off due to rain. Plus Human Torch and his dad drowned. Hey, if it means I don’t have to look at Johnny Storm’s ugly hair anymore, I’m for it.

Now, some more devastation.

ManiacClown was too busy with real-life work to help out, but he did insist on making a JFK Jr. joke in terms of Angel flying underwater. Not cool, man. Not cool. Though, to be fair, I was planning on referring to Ultimatum’s disaster as “9/11 and Katrina have a baby”.

Tomorrow it’s all about Reed and Sue with a little bit of Namor tossed in there for you.

Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

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Ultimatum Edit Week 1: Day Three

November 9th, 2008 Posted by Gavok

Our last installment showed that New York City is screwed. How screwed are they? Let’s watch.

Maniac Clown and I will return tomorrow to bear witness to even more comic character deaths. Of course, these deaths are only going to be major characters. Millions of innocent civilians are dropping like flies, but they don’t know any heroes, so we don’t need to see their bodies.

Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

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