Batman’s life is one of sustained tragedy. His loved ones will suffer, his path will be lonely, his city will see terror and destruction again and again, his friends will pull away from him, and no matter how hard he fights or what battles he wins, crime will always be present in the darkened alleys of Gotham City.

And this is a good thing. We read Batman comics for a certain noir tone, and that means corruption and cynicism and the looming threat of tragedy. When you give that up – well, just look at some of the Batman covers from back in the sixties.

There are other reasons for the fatalistic tone of Batman comics. A huge event happens, Batman plans a counter-attack. He hits it with everything he has, all his allies, all his tech, and wins. And then he sits around sprucing up the Batcave for the next year and a half, while the police easily handle the minor criminals in Gotham and the press cheerily reports the massive drop in crime. Comics are an ongoing form of entertainment, and there always needs to be something more to do, some evildoer left unvanquished.

At the same time, I would like to see a girlfriend introduced and not think, ‘which is it going to be, evil or dead?’ Or see an event come up that means something other than a body count. I’d like to see a few battles unequivocally won. I remember seeing The Batman/Superman Adventures animated series while I was a kid, and I was thinking, recently, how the comics are a little too dark and too traumatic to be labeled as ‘Adventures’ anymore. I think I would enjoy a little less noir and a little more adventure stories, even when it comes to Batbooks.

I also have no doubt that some people want the series to get a lot darker, but I wonder, at what point do you have to break the tone of the series to get a little more variety in your stories?

Remember yesterday when the Fantastic Four pushed a bunch of water back into the ocean and then Reed went after Namor? I don’t either.

Now Reed and Namor’s fight is heating up. Let’s see where it goes.

But first, a warning. You know how I’ve been replacing narration boxes with character theme songs? Well, funny thing, Dr. Doom doesn’t have a theme song. Not unless you count his Capcom fighting game theme, but that doesn’t have lyrics. I had to go an alternate route. Now enjoy the rest of the show!

ManiacClown actually did stuff this time, so I thank him for it. Speaking of he and I teaming up, I got some very good news.

Our Japoteurs iRiff page is finally up! Hells yes!

If you enjoyed Ultimate Edit and what’s done so far of Ultimatum Edit, please give it a look. If you’re a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, definitely give it a look. It’s only a buck and the riffing is embedded into the movie already. C’moooon! Do it!

Back to the Edit, tomorrow we finish up the week with Charles Xavier explaining it all.

Day Seven!

Previously on Ultimate Edit, punk was declared officially dead. Meanwhile, Spider-Man, Iron Man and Captain America each hopped into action. Yeah, guys! Go punch out that storm!

Let’s see what’s going on with the surviving members of the Fantastic Four. Keep in mind that the first page is referring to the Ultimate Fantastic Four/X-Men crossover arc that acted as a prelude to this story. So if you haven’t read it, just be glad you have no idea what they’re discussing.

That last thumbnail makes Reed look like George Bush Sr.

Once again, ManiacClown has been a non-factor what with him being all busy and stuff. Why do I even feel the need to mention him and bold his name? Is it a cry for help?

Tomorrow, we’ll finish off the Reed/Namor fight and take a trip to sunny Latveria. See you then!

Day Six!
Day Seven!

Yesterday saw various baseball games called off due to rain. Plus Human Torch and his dad drowned. Hey, if it means I don’t have to look at Johnny Storm’s ugly hair anymore, I’m for it.

Now, some more devastation.

ManiacClown was too busy with real-life work to help out, but he did insist on making a JFK Jr. joke in terms of Angel flying underwater. Not cool, man. Not cool. Though, to be fair, I was planning on referring to Ultimatum’s disaster as “9/11 and Katrina have a baby”.

Tomorrow it’s all about Reed and Sue with a little bit of Namor tossed in there for you.

Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

There is a book in which Superman helps win the Civil War, saves Lincoln from assassination and then makes his spaceship into a horse and rides it out west to the frontier.

There is a book in which Superman skips the cumbersome spaceship-steed concept altogether, and becomes a centaur. All right, he’s evil, but sacrifices have to be made for convenience.

Read the rest of this entry »

Our last installment showed that New York City is screwed. How screwed are they? Let’s watch.

Maniac Clown and I will return tomorrow to bear witness to even more comic character deaths. Of course, these deaths are only going to be major characters. Millions of innocent civilians are dropping like flies, but they don’t know any heroes, so we don’t need to see their bodies.

Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

Yesterday was literally the calm before the storm, as we got to briefly check in with the Fantastic Four, the Ultimates, as well as Spider-Man and his amazing friends. You know, that’s pretty rare for a Loeb comic. We got FIVE single pages without the sudden, blatant two-page spread. It’s a start.

Now let’s push forward.

Huh. I didn’t intend this, but if you look at those thumbnails, it looks like Thor has suddenly transformed into a big, bald guy.

Thanks to ManiacClown. The second page was more or less his baby. Now it’s stuck in my head.

Tomorrow it’s time for the tragedy to begin. I mean tragedy in terms of the story. I mean… You know what I mean!

Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

If we are here not to do
What you and I wanna do
And go forever crazy with it
Why the hell are we even here?

When we stand here in a row
Looking like a bunch of heroes
I know that-ah deep inside
Nothing more but bunch of zeros

— “Ultimate” by Gogol Bordello

We couldn’t stay away.

After the job that ManiacClown and I did with Jeph Loeb and Joe Mad’s Ultimates 3, we decided that we would give the follow-up event Ultimatum a shot. When I say we’d give it a shot, I don’t mean that we were sure we were going to target it from the very beginning. More that we were going to give it a shot of being passable and leaving it alone.

As it got closer to the release, we knew that although it was nice to be generous, it was going to be all for naught. Between the Ultimate Captain America Annual that showed Ultimate Black Panther’s origin and the laughable X-Men/Fantastic Four crossover written by Loeb’s Heroes buddies, we could tell that the writing was on the wall. Loeb was referring to Ultimatum as the story that would destroy the Ultimate universe and sadly, he’s already been doing that. Ultimate Spider-Man remains the only thing worth reading.

The Loeb backlash has already started somewhat. He’s been axed from Heroes. From what I understand, those burned by the first six issues of Hulk have left in droves. Don’t they realize that Hulk, who has become Joe Fixit again for no reason, is fighting Sentry, Moon Knight and Ms. Marvel because they’re sort of Marvel’s version of the DC Trinity? That’s compelling stuff! I’m not even sure how well Ultimatum will do in the long run, since it’s not really latching onto Millar’s Ultimates run’s success like Loeb’s last foray. And, you know, there are far better comic events going on with Secret Invasion and Final Crisis. Then again, now that he’s off Heroes he has more time to write comics. Stupid double-edge sword.

Enough rambling. Let’s get down to business.

Join us tomorrow for more exposition!

Day Two!
Day Three!
Day Four!
Day Five!
Day Six!
Day Seven!

I figure I have a reputation to keep up with, so let me get on with it.

Scipio from Absorbacon, on the day after Barack Obama was elected president, had a few things to say. I pulled an excerpt out for y’all:

Sorry to rain on anyone’s parade, and I’m sure this is going to anger a lot of readers, and I’m going to be misunderstood. But here goes….

Barack Obama’s not the country’s first black president; Barak Obama’s not black.

First, let me affirm, and strongly: I supported Obama during the primaries; I voted for him in the general election. I was, am, and, hopefully will every reason to continue to be, a strong supporter.

His election is not just a victory for an individual or a party, but for American democracy and spirit, which it has revivified. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

However….

I am not delighted by the constant characterization of Obama as the first Black president. YES, he certainly “looks black”. Yes, because of that he’s certainly had the experience of growing as a perceived black person in the last 40+ years. And, yes, that is very significant. It’s of great signficance and a great sign of hope for the future that the American people would elect such a man as its leader.

But, for one thing, he’s biracial. That, to me, is more symbolically significant, since he personifies (or could) a post-racial way of viewing the world, one that is the only real hope for social unity in our nation. That’s something that gets swept aside when he’s characterized simply as “our first black president”.

I don’t think that Scipio will be misunderstood at all. His point is clear as day. “Barack Obama is biracial, therefore he is not black.” In his own words, “Barack Obama’s not black.”

The problem is that Scipio is wrong. His opinion is wrong, his point of view is wrong, he’s uninformed whatever whatever. You know what I’m saying. There is actual factual reality and then there is Scipio, over here saying things.

My first thought after reading this post on Wednesday was a Paul Mooney skit. “White folks made up the word ‘nigger’ and don’t want me to say it.” His point is that nigger is not new, and was not created by black people. Was it adopted? Yeah, it was.

“Being black” is similar. Black people didn’t decide who got to be black and who didn’t. One drop rules aren’t from Africa. That’s something we inherited. However, we took the handoff once the ball got rolling. Got free, reclaimed it, and made it ours.

So, basically, you don’t get to decide who’s black or not. Black people got that treatment for a few centuries and now it’s over. It’s our turn. We know who’s black and who isn’t.

Being black isn’t a matter of having two black parents. It isn’t that simple. It’s not about being from the ghetto, or talking slang, or liking rap. It’s not about education. It’s not about status. There are a wide spectrum of experiences that make up the black experience.

Most of all, though, Barack is black because he says so. In his own words: “If I’m outside your building trying to hail a cab, they’re not saying ‘Oh, there’s a mixed race guy.'” He’s said over and over again that he’s black.

Who are you to say that he isn’t, in the name of making him fit your agenda? Being biracial is more symbolically significant than being black when attaining the highest public office? Really?

How about if it’s good for Barack, it’s good enough for me? And you? And anyone else who cares to question his own personal racial identity?

I’m sorry he doesn’t fit into the little box you’ve prepared for him.

So, in the spirit of not misunderstanding–

Scipio says “Barack Obama is not black.”

Barack Obama says he’s black.

No misunderstanding there at all.

A month and a half ago, I posted this interview. Now the conclusion.

Note: Karu-Sil isn’t included in this image because she was off being phone pranked by Ambush Bug. I mean, she was off being a rogue. Yeah.

The universe still has the Rage of the Red Lanterns and the Blackest Night to deal with, but our new Oan President-Elect can get us through it. I hope.