Hey, Dan Slott? You know how angry I was when you basically shat on the Juggernaut during your She-Hulk run?

All is forgiven.

(note: I still boycott Amazing Spider-Man, but I’ve allowed myself to make exceptions for Eddie Brock appearances)

Welp. I’m back to this. It’s been a while since the last We Care a Lot, so let’s do a quick recap. It started off with me reminiscing about how I was introduced to Venom comics and how it led to this site. In the comics, Venom decided that Spider-Man wasn’t so bad after all and they formed an agreement not to go after each other. That lasted for about five minutes. Then Venom went to San Francisco, where he teamed up with and/or fought Spider-Man, Punisher, Juggernaut, Hulk, Morbius, Mace and Vengeance. He then went back to New York City to get punked out by the Scarlet Spider. After dealing with his symbiote children and fighting Carnage inside the internet, Eddie Brock turned his wife into Venom for a few minutes and saved Christmas. All that and he made appearances in other comics.

All caught up? Good. Let’s pick up where we left off with Rune vs. Venom, a one-shot by writer Chris Ulm and artists Greg Luzniak, Mark Pacella and Gabriel Gecko. So who is Rune and why does he get top billing? He’s an alien vampire from Malibu’s Ultraverse line. At the time, they were doing a series of Marvel/Ultraverse crossovers and this was one of them. Fair enough.

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The Royal Rumble was last night, meaning you no longer care about anything I have to say. Yeah, well… shut up, okay?

I thought the event was top notch. Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison is going to make a very fine PPV main event one day.

The Rumble match itself was pretty good. It had a lot of fun spots, but got bogged down by keeping the ring too full. They were so determined to keep every single main eventer in the ring until the end while keeping them scattered on the card that it seemed to blow up in their face.

But the highlight of the Rumble?

MAMA MIA!

(thanks to Jerusalem for the gif)

Let’s finish this off and call it a day.

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Here’s a pointless little experiment. During the 2007 Rumble, they made a big deal about it being the most star-studded Rumble yet. That got me thinking about the different Rumble rosters and which one had the best pedigree to it. So I scoured each list and counted how many world champions it featured. I counted the top titles for WWF, WCW, both WWE titles, ECW, TNA and NWA.

88: 3
89: 6
90: 8
91: 6
92: 10
93: 7
94: 9
95: 4
96: 10
97: 10
98: 10
99: 9
00: 9
01: 12
02: 14
03: 17
04: 17
05: 13
06: 14
07: 17
08: 13

Hm. Well, I guess they were onto something after all. Speaking of that match…

7) Royal Rumble 2007

“Everyone back in the pile!”

“DEY TUK OUR JEORBS!”

“DE TUKRJRBS!!”

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My apologies for the slight lateness. I blame sickness and temporary lack of internet connection.

If I were to come up with a list of the best use of the Royal Rumble in a videogame, it wouldn’t even be fair. We all know that WWF Wrestlefest would be #1. That’s as good excuse to post these gifs I made. Feel free to use them as avatars on your favorite message board.

Damn. 5 of those guys are dead.

I do recall having fun in WWE Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain and the way they used the Royal Rumble in career mode. They base it on the Rock/Big Show feud so that whoever you eliminate last has proof that your feet have touched the floor and that he deserves the Wrestlemania title shot. This leads to a match at No Way Out where you wrestle for the title shot. I remember fixing it up so that D-Von Dudley was my last victim, leading to an incredibly easy No Way Out match.

Then again, neither of the two main Dudleys have been in the Royal Rumble. Maybe I’m selling him short.

Let’s get to the top ten. So far the Rumble matches have been from okay to pretty good. The following ten are very much awesome. They’re just in different degrees of awesome.

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As a goof, I was initially going to keep track of how many times the commentators bring up how the Royal Rumble is “every man for yourself”. That lasted about ten minutes. When you see D’Lo Brown attacking Rikishi and the commentators say it’s because it’s every man for himself, you have to realize you might as well be marking down every punch.

13) Royal Rumble 2006

I bet there are so many confused non-wrestling fans visiting 4th Letter right now.

The set-up: Vince McMahon had been getting on Shawn Michaels’ case for a while for little reason, going so far as to say that he has no chance at winning the Royal Rumble. Meanwhile, the WWE was still reeling from the death of Eddie Guerrero, prompting his friend Rey Mysterio to dedicate the match to him. Other than that… nothing.

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The other night on Monday Night Raw, they started showing a video reel about all the statistics in the Royal Rumble. Most eliminations in total, most eliminations in one Rumble, longest time in the ring, shortest time in the ring, etc. It’s funny how they sidestep some of the information. Like how they say that as many people have won after drawing #1 as those who have drawn #30. They show Michaels, Undertaker and John Cena but seem to ignore a certain murderer. Heh…

They also don’t talk about who’s been in the most Rumble matches. Why? Because Kane has the record and including him on the list would likely bring attention to his old gimmicks of Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel.

Now back to the list, starting with what I feel isn’t going to be a popular choice.

16) Royal Rumble 2000

I don’t know what strikes me as stranger. Undertaker being on there despite having nothing to do with the show or Big Boss Man being featured along with all those main eventers.

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You may have noticed that there are 22 spots on this list and – at the time of this writing – 21 Royal Rumble shows. That’s because there was an extra Rumble match that was so good that I couldn’t help but include it.

I was going to include the Corporate Royal Rumble for the hell of it, but that would have been #23 and that would’ve been pointless. There was a Royal Rumble match in ECW back in late 1996 that I remember, but unfortunately I’m unable to track down footage of it for my rewatching pleasure. The same could be said for a Rumble match they had on WCW Nitro years back, but that one was an epic failure. I recall intervals of about 30 seconds with order that didn’t come close to looking random.

Back to the list.

19) Royal Rumble 1993

Heh. Ultimate Warrior and Nailz were long gone by the time this show happened. Kamala wasn’t at the show either.

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I’m going to go in a different direction for the next week.

Since I was a kid, long before I even got into comics in the first place, I was into professional wrestling. The flashiness, the controlled violence, the good vs. evil and so on caught my eye. As I got older, I grew to appreciate more about it. I was able to tell that, wow, the Ultimate Warrior wasn’t very good and that someone like Tito Santana or Ted Dibiase was more worth my time. Even at its worst over the years, I’ve still followed it on some level. They always have at least a couple things worth watching for.

I started watching in early 1991. I remember this because on the episode of WWF Superstars, they kept going over the upcoming Royal Rumble pay-per-view. I ended up ordering the show and having a bunch of friends over to watch it. I was hooked. Fast-forward to the present. It’s a week away from the 2009 Royal Rumble and I have in my collection the ridiculous 20-disc set of the first 20 shows, as well as the DVD for last year’s event.

I’ve decided to rank them. Why? Because that set was fucking expensive and I want to get as much mileage out of it as I can. Even at its worst, it’s always a fun match and tends to be as unpredictable as you can get.

The rules of the Royal Rumble are simple. Thirty men draw a number from #1 to #30. The men who drew #1 and #2 enter first. Every minute or two later, another guy comes out. The way to eliminate someone else is to throw them over the top rope so that both feet hit the floor. The last man standing is considered the winner. In the early days, the winner would get bragging rights. Later, the winner would get a guaranteed title shot at Wrestlemania. And of course, there was the one time where the match itself was for the championship.

I’m only counting the Rumble matches themselves here, not the shows. Nobody cares about the Hogan/Andre contract signing or Razor Ramon vs. IRS.

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This week gave us the final issue of Marvel Zombies 3, written by Fred Van Lente with art by Kev Walker. Despite the history of the series, I still have to say… this is totally worth reading.

I’m not joking. It’s actually really fun.

The first Marvel Zombies was decent. Not great, but it was a good enough read just because Kirkman had so many toys to play with. He had an entire universe to desecrate as he saw fit. Marvel Zombies: Dead Days was a boring disaster of a prequel that barely answered any of the questions brought up in Marvel Zombies. Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness was better than it had any right to be. And Marvel Zombies 2? Oy.

With Marvel Zombies 2, Kirkman had done away with all of his unending potential, replaced with five issues of writing himself into a corner. I enjoy Kirkman’s work, so I stuck with it just to see where it was leading, but the ending was underwhelming as hell. Finally, even I was done with the series.

Thomas Wilde suggested I give Marvel Zombies 3 a shot based on the first issue. I’m glad I took him up on that. They’ve moved in a very different direction that brings back the potential for fun and over-the-top stories of mayhem. How? By bringing it into Marvel 616.

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I don’t think #1 could have been anything other than The Roots.

I’ve been a fan since Things Fall Apart. I think I got it off the strength of You Got Me and the fact that Mos Def was a feature and man, I got one incredible album for my money. Or my mom’s money. Whichever.

That album introduced me to Eve and Beanie Sigel and Jill Scott, forced me to listen to and gain an appreciation of Erykah Badu (she could miss me with that Call Tyrone business, I was a teenager and not trying to hear that), and pretty much solidified my taste in music. I stayed in that neo-soul/conscious rap vein for years, and never really left it.

(I have a spanish remix of You Got Me called Me Tienes. It’s just as good as the original.)

To say that I’m partial to The Legendary Roots Crew would be an understatement. When added into the mix with the Dungeon Family, Wu-Tang Clan, and Company Flow, you can pretty much decipher why I have the taste in music that I do. The Roots are a pillar for me.

Rising Down is easily their best effort since Things Fall Apart. There are a lot of features, but it isn’t just for the sake of sales. Each feature goes in on their respective verse, resulting in an album full of heavy songs.

One of the highlights is Black Thought’s solo joint, 75 Bars. He’s always been an underrated emcee, even though he’s a beast on the mic. He gets his Beanie Sigel on and delivers three minutes of free association raw rap. He rips it for every second of the three minutes, to the point where picking just a few lines to quote is a lost cause.

Peedi Crakk delivers one of the best verses on the album with his guest spot on Get Busy. Get Busy is also notable because it’s a Philly hometown pride track– DJ Jazzy Jeff, creator of one of my favorite albums from last year, is behind the scratches.

It’s Crakk man, used to back spin
Now I spend stacks and stacks
and Uncle Sam tryin’ to tax all my hard earned raps
Damn! We makin’ Yens, Pesos, Euros, we representin’

Wale, Chrisette Michelle, Saigon, Dice Raw, Styles P, Malik B, and Common are all some of the features on the album, and all are top notch. The actual production is up the the usual Roots quality. The album veers from laid back (Rising Down) to frantic (75 Bars) and it doesn’t hurt it any. The variety gives Rising Down legs, since there’s always a track for your current mood.

I couldn’t pick a favorite track on this album if I tried. It’s full of catchy choruses, great verses, and amazing beats. I sing off-key to Birthday Girl just like everyone else, and Singing Man is another one that brings out that kind of behavior.

It’s just like, man, could these guys be any more talented? Even bad Roots albums are just bad in the context of albums like Things Fall Apart and Come Alive and Do You Want More?!!??!. Why are so many rappers amazingly terrible?

Congratulations to The Roots for embarrassing rappers again. Keep on doing it until they all start coming correct.

The rest of y’all need to buy Rising Down and take notes.

Official videos:
75 Bars
Get Busy
Birthday Girl
Rising Up

(I’m gonna take a day or so and then get back to talking about comics. I haven’t been to the shop since before Christmas.)