« “It shines through your beautiful skin”
I see how it is, Marvel. »
h1

A Serious Post About Serious Issues

May 8th, 2009 by | Tags: ,

I had a post all set to go for today.  You’ll see it tomorrow.  Today I would like to take a moment to discuss a very serious illness that I was recently diagnosed with.

It’s called Tie Up The Goddamn Villain Syndrome, and eighty percent of Americans experience it at one time or another.  Sadly, mine is an extreme case.

For example, when people around me discuss Pan’s Labyrinth, and how it’s such a breathtaking visual achievement paired with a dark, fairytale-like story, all I can think about is how I wished the murderous bastard of a captain had won, because when that idiot maid incapacitated him temporarily she didn’t Tie Up The Goddamn Villain.  For that alone, he deserved to win, and I don’t even care that he knocked a guy’s teeth out with a whiskey bottle.

I have to bite my fist to keep from shouting at screen in every Die Hard movie except the first, because John McClane won’t just Tie Up The Goddamn Villain.

And Dollhouse?  The series I started watching out of loyalty to Joss Whedon, and continued watching because it got pretty good, and then got excited about because it got really, really good, just completely tanked in my eyes, because oh my good god, just when the heroine knocked out the villain, and all was won, she wandered off to take care of something else and then acted shocked, shocked!, when it turned out that unconsciousness was a temporary state.  And so, I leave you with my final reaction to the series.

TIE UP THE GODDAMN VILLAIN!  TIE UP THE GODDAMN VILLAIN, DAMN YOU!  WOULD IT REALLY THAT HARD TO TIE UP THE GODDAMN VILLAIN? 

OH HOLY FUCKING HELL, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOT?  THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T TIE UP THE GODDAMN VILLAIN!  EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT IF YOU JUST TIED UP THE GODDAMN VILLAIN!  JESUS CHRIST I HATE YOU SO MUCH!  

Thank you, and goodnight.

Similar Posts:

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook Post to Reddit Post to StumbleUpon

Posted in comic books, reviews by Esther Inglis-Arkell |

8 comments to “A Serious Post About Serious Issues”

  1. If it’s good enough for Jeph Loeb’s Hulk it’s good enough for Dollhouse.

         by Dane May 9th, 2009 at 00:12 --replyReply to this comment

  2. Heroes don’t do bondage, of course. That’d be against the Code.

         by david brothers May 9th, 2009 at 00:18 --replyReply to this comment

  3. It’s good to know that some of the best heroes are smart enough to tie up the villain.

    And there’s another part of the lesson: tying up the villain leads to sandwiches.

         by Gavok May 9th, 2009 at 00:52 --replyReply to this comment

  4. I do believe that you have identified a trope. Having played video games for far, far too long, I have seen heroes leave an almost-dead villain unbound for far too long.

    I’m talking to you, Mega Man!

         by W4 May 9th, 2009 at 06:27 --replyReply to this comment

  5. @W4: Megaman doesn’t need to tie up the villain. He eats their souls when he’s done.

         by david brothers May 9th, 2009 at 10:57 --replyReply to this comment

  6. Okay… so now I have this wonderful image of a confused Mega Man, covered in blood and gore, saying ‘I tried to absorb Dr. Wily’s powers… but it didn’t work for some reason?’

         by Sake May 9th, 2009 at 12:46 --replyReply to this comment

  7. I’m not saying that Mega Man should blast Dr. Wily (though that might make for an interesting tie-in to “Mega Man X”), but could our blue bumpkin tie up the villain while he’s begging for mercy and plotting his escape?

    And if Mega Man can’t do that, then I would chip in to hire Luke Cage and Iron Fist to go after Wily instead.

         by W4 May 9th, 2009 at 14:51 --replyReply to this comment

  8. I’m often stricken with a different condition entitled, shoot the goddamn villain in the face!

         by mark August 15th, 2009 at 22:40 --replyReply to this comment